Page 13 of The Gunnery Sergeant's Ready-Made Family

“You can barely remember it?” Stevie stared at the back of Chase’s head, mouth hanging open. “You were screaming the name of your dead best friend, again and again, and you can barely remember it? Seriously, Chase, that’s what you are going to say?”

“What would you rather I said Stevie?” Chase swivelled in his chair to look at her.

“I would rather you told me the truth, Chase, how about that?”

“I see, so you think I’m lying?” His tone was flat.

“I know you are; I just don’t know why.”

“People dream all the time Stevie; it doesn’t always mean anything.”

“So, it was nothing?” Stevie didn’t bother keeping the ice out of her tone.

“It was nothing.” Chase confirmed.

“Which was it, Chase? Was it nothing, or can you barely remember it? From where I sit, they are two different things.” Stevie crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Chase.

“Stevie-”

“I just don’t understand why you have to lie to me,” Stevie cut him off midsentence. You promised you would never lie to me, and yet here we are. What else have you lied to me about, Chase?” Stevie fumed.

“Stevie-” Chase tried again.

“And another thing,” Stevie cut him off again, “don’t you dare ever say that dreaming about Kyle was nothing.” Stevie stood and, pancake batter forgotten, stormed out of the kitchen, leaving Chase looking after her.

Stevie had no idea what had happened, she had been determined to have a nice conversation with Chase, to ask him if he was okay, to listen to any concerns or worries he was having, and yet at the first opportunity she had been mad with him, had refused to let him finish speaking, had accused him outright of lying to her and, worse of all, had insinuated that he no longer cared about her brother Kyle, his best friend, a man who she knew would have given his life to protect his if he could. As Stevie stood outside in the backyard, watering her seedlings and reflecting on her conversation with Chase, she felt embarrassment flood her, mortified that she had acted the way that she had. She knew she needed to apologise, sooner rather than later, and ask for forgiveness. Oh Lord, Stevie bowed her head, eyes closed in silent pray, please help me to see the error of my ways, please help me to not be so quick to judge and condemn, please help me to remember that we are all fatally flawed, and that it is through Your grace alone that we may live. Please help me to help Chase, to listen to him, to encourage him to confide in me, please help Chase to see that I am truly remorseful. Amen.

Returning inside, Stevie found Chase at the stove, flipping the last of the pancakes ton to a plate, and a new feeling of guilt stabbed at her. Chase was a good man, always putting her and the boys before himself, how could she ever doubt his commitment to Kyle?

“Chase?” Stevie tentatively reached out to lay her hand on Chase’s forearm, never realising before just how firm his muscles were. “I’m sorry, I should never have implied that you thought Kyle was nothing, I know that isn’t what you meant, I was overly sensitive. I know that you would never lie to me, certainly not about anything important. I just wanted you to know that if you are worried, or stressed, about anything, you can talk to me, I promise to listen. What happened this morning won’t happen again, at least, I hope it won’t,” Stevie confessed, “I turned it over to God, and I am hopeful that I will do better next time, with His help.”

“Stevie,” Chase finally turned to look at her, his eyes trailing from her face down to her hand still resting on his forearm. She snatched it back, self-conscious. “You have nothing to apologise for. I’m sorry that I disturbed you last night, you were right, it wasn’t nothing, I’ve been having nightmares, ever since Kyle died.”

“Chase!” Stevie couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m guessing they are about Kyle?”

“Yes, always the same dream, the day he died,” Chase answered softly. Stevie nodded, she had suspected as much when he told her the nightmares were about Kyle, what else would the nightmare be about, other than the day he died? “The dream starts off innocently enough, word for word every single thing that happened that day, but it soon turns into a nightmare, one that I can’t seem to escape in my sleep. In some ways, I am not sure that I want to escape them, dreaming about Kyle keeps him alive in my mind, it means that I never forget what happened, and it serves as a constant reminder for me to keep you and the children safe.”

“Chase, is that why you married me? Obligation to Kyle? I’m not sure this is what he would have had in mind.” Stevie smiled at Chase. “You don’t have to keep us safe, Chase, and it is not something that is possible anyway, you can’t keep us safe forever, Chase, anything could happen, it isn’t fair to put that pressure on yourself. What if Finn falls over and hits his head on the corner of the coffee table when he learns to walk? What if a branch from the orange tree breaks off and hits Ranger while he plays in his cubby house? What if I get run over checking the mail?”

“Don’t say that,” Chase groaned, burying his head in his hands.

“I’m serious Chase, literally anything could happen to any of us at any given point throughout the day. You know that. Are you intending to watch us forever? What about work? If something did happen, it would not be your fault. I don’t like the thought of you having nightmares over Kyle’s death. Will you talk to me about them?”

“No!” Stevie flinched at Chase’s unexpectedly harsh tone. “I’m sorry Stevie, but no, I will not make you relive that day as well.”

“What about one of the support groups on base? Or maybe the chaplain?”

“I don’t think so.”

“It isn’t a weakness to talk about things, Chase.”

“I know that Stevie, it’s just that there are still aspects of that day that I am not allowed to talk about, and a few that many would not understand. Besides, there are soldiers worse off than me, that need that support. It would be better used for them.”

“What are you afraid of, Chase?” Stevie looks at his drawn expression, his wary gaze. “You deserve just as much support as the next guy, don’t kid yourself, don’t downplay what you need. Support is there for anyone Chase, it isn’t triaged or applied based on how traumatic your experience was.”

“I know,” Chase nodded.

“Well, what is it then? Does it go on your record? Will it affect your career later on? I thought these groups were anonymous.” Stevie felt sick to think that Chase might be punished in his career if he sought help.

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