Page 17 of The Gunnery Sergeant's Ready-Made Family

“Chase?” Stevie’s eyes fluttered open, her voice weak.

“Stevie, thank God you’re okay, I thought...” Chase trailed off, watching as Stevie’s expression changed from Stevie into Kyle and then back again.

“What did you think, Chase? That you had killed me, killed Kyle?” Stevie smiled up at a stunned Chase. “You think it because it is true, isn’t it Chase? You killed Kyle, you took him away from us, and here you are, playing happy families, all the time knowing that you killed him, that you’re the only reason why Finn and Ranger don’t have a daddy anymore, the reason why they are orphans.”

“Stevie, I-”

“How can you stay here any play happy families after you destroyed everything?”

“It was an accident, I didn’t-”

“You traded places with him, it should have been you who died Chase, not Kyle, you.”

“I’m sorry,” Chase whispered as Stevie’s blood soaked through his uniform, as her eyes fluttered shut.

“Tell her.” The body in Chase’s arms spoke, no longer Stevie but Kyle, “you need to tell her the truth, tell Stevie that you killed me.”

“No, I didn’t, no, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Chase could hear the buzz of a helicopter approaching, finally, help was on its way. “Hang on Kyle, hang on, the medics are here, everything will be okay.” The buzzing grew louder until Chase could no longer ignore it, looking over his shoulder to see where the helicopter was, Chase was met with nothing but the cream-coloured wall of the lounge room.

Unable to get back to sleep, Chase rose and dressed quickly, leaving a note for Stevie before heading out of the door for his daily run. He ran further than he had anticipated, and breakfast was in full swing by the time he got home. He nabbed a slice of toast from Stevie’s plate with a wink and went to get ready for work. His day passed pleasantly enough, and on the drive home from work, he found himself absently pulling into the carpark of the church. Chase sat for a while, thinking, before sending Stevie a text to let her know that he would be late.

“Chase, how nice to see you again.” The chaplain greeted Chase’s knock on his office door. “Everyone’s well I hope? Stevie, Finn, Ranger?”

“Thank you, yes, everyone is fine. Stevie's grandmother Nikki arrived on Sunday for six months, which will be a great comfort to us all.”

“I’m glad, the first twelve months of any bereavement are always the hardest to navigate, there are so many firsts.” Chase nodded in agreement at the chaplain's words. “And how about you, Chase, are you okay? I’m guessing that you didn’t just come here to tell me about Nikki?”

“No, chaplain, I didn’t, I was hoping that you might have time to talk, to listen, to me?”

Chase took the seat opposite the chaplain, not quite sure where to start.

“I killed Kyle, that’s my big secret, that’s what I am hiding from Stevie,” Chase blurted out in a rush, feeling the weight of burden lift from his shoulders as he shared his secret, closing his eyes against what he was sure would be the chaplain’s look of pity and blame.

“Chase, Kyle died in battle, serving his country,” the chaplain spoke softly, purposefully, “you didn’t kill him.”

“I did, chaplain, I did,” a sob broke free from Chase as he tried to get the words out. “I was supposed to take the lead, but Kyle offered instead, we’d been walking for hours and my eyes were scratched from the sand, from the constant sun. I agreed to let him, I switched places with him, don’t you see? It’s my fault he was there at all, it should have been me that died, not Kyle.”

“It isn’t your fault, Chase. Kyle was your best friend, you would have done the same for him, he was doing you a favour, he was helping you, no one could have predicted what would happen, it was an accident, that’s all, it was not your fault.”

“I keep seeing it, every night, in my head, I just keep seeing it,” Chase confessed.

“The accident? Kyle’s death?”

“Yes. The whole day just replays over and over again, every time I close my eyes. It used to be only once or twice, but now I have the dream every night. Am I losing it?” He voiced the question that had been worrying him for the past few weeks.

“No, it is perfectly normal to relive events through dreams, it is how our brains process things, especially after trauma. I do think though Chase that you might benefit from talking to other people who have had similar experiences, similar feelings.”

“Counselling? Stevie suggested that too.”

“You told Stevie about your dreams?”

“Not exactly, she knows I have them, but not what they are about.” Chase sighed. “I’m not sure I’m ready for counselling.”

“When you are, let me know, I would be happy to help you get set up.”

Although not prepared to go to counselling, Chase had to admit that he did feel better after he had spoken with the chaplain. That night after dinner, Chase pulled Stevie aside and told her that he had spoken with the chaplain about his dreams and that it had helped. He felt almost giddy when Stevie pulled him into an impromptu hug, telling him how proud she was of him. It was in that moment, Chase would later realise, that he knew he would never refuse Stevie anything if it was in his power to give it to her.

Chapter Twelve

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