Page 23 of The Gunnery Sergeant's Ready-Made Family

“Of course, it is,” Stevie hissed. “Who else is to blame? I’m the one meant to be responsible for Ranger and Finn, I’m meant to protect them, and look what happened! I haven’t even had them for three months, and already one of them is having life-saving surgery. Kyle and Amanda chose wrong, Chase, they should have named you as Finn and Ranger’s guardian, not me.”

“Stevie don’t say that, it isn’t true. Kyle and Amanda chose right, no one will love and care for those boys more than you do, you know that, you are just emotional right now. What happened to Ryder could happen to anyone, there is nothing that caused it, it just is.”

“I should have listened to you, you said we should take him to the doctor, it was me who said no. If we had brought him in yesterday when we first got home, we might not be here now.

“Stevie,” Chase started, “that-”

“Is it true,” Stevie cut him off, “I should have listened to you. He’s punishing me, I should have listened to you, to my husband, but I chose not to, and this is His punishment.”

“Stevie!”

“I should never have returned to work,” Stevie ignored Chase and kept talking, pouring out her heart, her thoughts, her fears, all the poison that was swirling around in her head. “I should have stayed home with Ranger and Finn, I should have been content to be their aunt, their caregiver, why did I think I needed more than that? Why did I think I needed more than Ranger and Finn to be happy? Why couldn’t I have just been happy, content, with what I had? Seriously, Chase, what is wrong with me? Why am I so conflicted, so lost? Why is it so hard for me to transition from the role of aunt to the role of a legal guardian? Why is it so hard for me?” Stevie no longer cared about the tears running down her face, her heart was aching so much, she didn’t even notice when Chase came to sit beside her, running her into his arms and making soothing noises.

Chapter Fifteen

“Stevie,” Chase’s voice was full of pain, his words sounded scratchy to his own ears. “Please, stop this. You know this wasn’t your fault, it was just one of those things, an accident, a quirk of nature, it just happened, Stevie, it wasn’t something that you caused or could have prevented, please, stop being so hard on yourself.”

“It’s my fault Chase I should have been content, I should have been happy and satisfied with the life I had, instead of wanting to go back to work, instead of wanting more than I had.” Stevie’s voice was full of bitterness, of self-condemnation.

“Stevie, it is normal to want more, to want to better your circumstances. There is nothing wrong with working outside of the home, lots of mothers work outside of the home every single day, and I would imagine that a lot feel some level of guilt. You asked why you can’t just be happy with your instant family, Stevie, you lost your only sibling, you are still in mourning for him, for the life you had before. It is only natural that you would take time to adjust, most people get nine months to prepare mentally, and even then, some struggle, there is no shame in that.”

“I would never forgive myself if something happened to one of them.”

“I know. That is what makes you a mother. For Finn, you will be the only mother he has ever known. While Ranger may call you aunt, in a few years his own memories of his parents will start to fade and it will be your love, and mine, that helps him through life. Would you like me to pray for you? For Ranger?” At Stevie’s nod, Chase began. “Dear Lord, we would ask you to be with Ranger, be with the surgeons who operate, give them the skills and the knowledge needed to successfully treat Ranger, so that he may continue to live and grow in Your image. Be with Stevie, help her to see that she is not to blame, that she did not cause this. Let Your peace and love fill Stevie’s soul, let it wash through and heal her heart, help carry her burdens Lord, give her wisdom and guidance to navigate this life she has been thrust into, and fill her with Your peace. Amen.”

“Thank you, Chase, I’m sorry I freaked out,” she attempted to smile at Chase, although somewhat wobbly.

“You can freak out anytime, I won’t judge you for it.” Chase smiled back. He could only imagine what she was going through, not just tonight with Ranger up in the operating theatre, but every single day, as she woke up and spent the day taking care of everyone. She never complained, not once since he returned with Kyle’s body. She just got up and got on with it. He felt guilty now, for everything that she did for him, had done for him, and he hadn’t realised. Love went into everything she did, without question or fanfare, quietly, with strength and dignity. It was no wonder that she had panicked, she had been carrying a heavy load, by herself. Chase promised himself that he would make more of an effort to discuss the smaller things with her every day, not just the big changes or decisions. She wouldn’t need to carry everything by herself anymore. Chase chastised himself for not noticing her struggling earlier, he shouldn’t have just presumed that she was okay.

“Do you think something causes appendicitis?”

“No.” Chase was adamant. “I mean, obviously something causes it, but nothing human, bacteria or something.”

“That’s what I thought,” Stevie shook her head slowly. “It’s just so hard, trying to do everything right for Finn and Chase, and yet things like this can still happen.”

“At least it happened now when we are all at home, and not when I was stationed overseas, or when Ranger was at school, and they might have just thought he had an upset tummy. We can be thankful for small mercies.”

“That’s true,” Stevie sighed, “I wonder how much longer they will be?”

“I guess it is hard to know, I’m sure they will come and find us the second they know anything. Would you like me to make you a cup of coffee? We might be up for a while yet, or maybe I can dim the lights in here and you can stretch out on the sofa and have a nap, I promise to wake you if anything happens.” In the end, they both sat there, flicking through the television channels, not focusing on anything they saw on the screen.

“Stevie?” Chase nudged her shoulder with his.

“Hmm?” Stevie’s eyes flicked to his face.

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Chase, we’ve been over this, those boys deserve the best,” Stevie justified.

“Ranger and Finn love you regardless. You are their aunt, their only aunt might I add, they have adored you since they were born, and you first held them. Remember how annoyed Kyle was when Ranger smiled at you first?”

“He always maintained that it was just wind, that it wasn’t a smile.”

“That’s right, I had forgotten that.” Stevie and Chase shared a laugh at the shared memory. “See, that’s what I mean. Ranger adores you, as will Finn when he is old enough to realise how insanely cool you are.”

“You think I’m cool?” Stevie sounded surprised.

“Of course, you are,” Chase confirmed. “You forget that I know all about your rebellious activist days,” he joked.

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