Page 30 of The Gunnery Sergeant's Ready-Made Family

As the day of his deployment grew near, Chase went through his pre-deployment checklist, making sure that everything was taken care of should anything happen to him while he was deployed. He had told his parents of his plans, that he was leaving all he had to Stevie and the boys, and they were in agreement, his father pulling him aside and telling Chase that should anything happen, he himself would make sure that Stevie and the boys were taken care of, as would his mother, as long as it was in their power. As Chase drifted off to sleep the night before his deployment, he wondered if he would ever see Stevie again.

Chapter Nineteen

Stevie was a hypocrite. Here she was, angry that Chase had lied to her for the past three months, yet when Ranger asked her this morning where Chase was, the lie was out of her mouth before she had time to think about her words.

“He had to go away for a while, he’ll be back soon.”

“He said we could go to the park today,” Ranger’s bottom lip wobbled, “he promised.”

“I’m sorry honey, he didn’t know he had to go away when he made that promise,” Stevie pulled Ranger in for a hug, “I’m sure he’ll be back as soon as he can. We can still go to the park if you want to, maybe we can take a picnic with us?” Satisfied with the compromise, Ranger ran off to play with his toy cars.

“When exactly is Chase coming back?” Stevie’s grandmother fixed her with a steely gaze.

“Gran” Stevie’s voice held a warning.

“Stevie, I have sat back and watched the two of you dance around each other for weeks now, then this morning, suddenly, Chase has left. I'm not deaf either, I heard you crying last night, why don't you tell me what happened between the two of you?”

“Nothing happened gran.”

“Stevie, you have never been a very good liar, it is to your credit my darling, now,” her gran patted the sofa seat beside her, “come and tell me what happened.” Stevie sighed and sank into the seat beside her gran, debating about what exactly to tell her. She wasn’t prepared to tell her grandmother everything, she wouldn’t betray Chase like that, she wouldn’t disclose his secrets or his burdens, not even to her grandmother.

“I can’t tell you everything Gran, there are some things that Chase has told me in confidence, and I won't break that trust, I hope you understand.”

“Let’s start with the obvious, where is Chase?”

“I don’t know,” Stevie admitted softly, hating the wobble she heard in her voice. “When I came downstairs this morning, he was gone, as was all of his belongings.”

“Did you two have a fight last night?”

“Not exactly,” Stevie hesitated, wondering just how much to reveal to her grandmother, “Chase confided in me about something, something important, and I’m afraid that I didn’t take it too well.”

“Oh, Stevie, what did you say?”

“Nothing, nothing at all. I just could not believe what he had told me, I was stunned, I just sat there for the longest time, and then I got up and left and went upstairs. When I came down this morning, he was gone.”

“I see. His confession must have been pretty serious if it left you speechless.”

“It was,” Stevie nodded, remembering Chase’s words from the night before.

“You know sweetheart, I had my reservations from the beginning, I always felt that there was more than just friendship between you and Chase. Do you not return his feelings?”

“What?” It took Stevie a moment to realise what her grandmother was saying, what she had inferred from their conversation. “No,” she shook her head, “I mean, that is not what Chase’s confession was about, not really.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just presumed...I mean, you have never wanted to marry, have you? You always said you would never marry or have children, I thought that perhaps Chase’s feelings had changed on the matter while yours had remained the same.”

“No, Gran. At least, that isn’t all of it,” Stevie sighed. “His feelings haven’t changed, although he did confess that he was in love with me, apparently, he has been for some time. I can’t tell you everything, so I realise that this won’t make much sense, but he has been lying to me, to Ranger, to Finn, to you, to all of us, and he has been for the past few months,” Stevie shook her head. “He has lied to us every single day, again and again, and what’s even worse is that I asked him several times if he was okay, if he had anything that he wanted to tell me, and each time he said no, he just lied over and over and over again, and I don’t know how to get past that, no matter how he feels about me or how I feel about him.”

“Would you like my advice darling?”

“Yes, please Gran.”

“Turn it over to the Lord, lay it in His hands and watch what happens.” It was good advice and something that Stevie turned over in her mind as she went throughout the rest of the day. It was advice that she knew would work, so why was she hesitant to take it? Why had she spent the night crying in her room last night instead of turning her troubles over to the Lord? While she had given her heart and her life to the Lord as a young teenager, there were still times when she struggled to hand over the semblance of control over her life, it was an issue she prayed about frequently. Once she had finished tucking Ranger and Finn into bed, Stevie bid goodnight to her grandmother and shut herself away in her bedroom. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she hung her head in shame, a heavy sadness weighing her down. She knew that Chase couldn’t possibly have been responsible for Kyle’s death, there was just no way, he would never have hurt Kyle, he would have died first.

No, Stevie didn’t blame Chase for Kyle’s death, but she knew that he probably thought that she did, or that she would, otherwise why would he have left last night? She had waited all day but still hadn’t heard anything from him, she really thought that he would have at least sent her a text message to let her know that he was okay, that he was safe. Stevie considered calling around the local motels and asking if he had checked in but stopped herself. Surely if he had wanted her to know, he would have told her himself, wouldn’t he? Stevie wished that she had spoken to Chase last night, she should never have just left him standing there like that on the porch, she should have said something, anything, to let him know that she didn't blame him for Kyle’s death. Stevie felt sick to her stomach at the thought that Chase might actually think that she blamed him for Kyle’s death, or worse, that she might hate him, that she might not want him around. She buried her head in her hands. Was that why Chase left without saying goodbye? Did he think he was doing her a favour? Stevie wished she could see him so that she could explain why she left, so she could apologise to him. He had trusted her and she repaid that trust by leaving. She felt horrible.

Stevie knew that she had some serious decisions that she had to make. If Chase was serious about the way he felt, what would that mean for their relationship? He was carrying a burden that was not his to carry, he had blamed himself for long enough, how could she help him to let that go? Did she want to help him to let it go? After all, he had lied to her for months, could she trust him going forwards, did she want to try? Stevie knew the only way to move forward was to forgive Chase and she knew that in order to do that, she would need God’s help.

“Dear Lord,” Stevie bowed her head and prayed, “please help me to forgive Chase, as you forgive others. Your only Son loved me enough to come to earth and be punished for my sins so that I could be forgiven. Your mercy flows to me in spite of my faults and failures, please help me to demonstrate unconditional love and mercy, even to those who hurt me. I understand that even though I feel scarred, my emotions don’t have to control my actions. Father may Your sweet words saturate my mind and direct my thoughts. Help me to release the hurt and begin to love as Jesus loves. Let the peace that comes from Christ rule in my heart, keeping out doubt and questions, not just today, not just this week, but always. Let me forgive in words and in actions, help me find the compassion that comes with true forgiveness. And when I see Chase, please bring this prayer back to my remembrance, so I can take any ungodly thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. Amen.”

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