Page 31 of The Gunnery Sergeant's Ready-Made Family

Chapter Twenty

Stevie desperately wanted to forgive Chase; she knew his only error was lying to her. She spent the whole night praying, for him, for her, for them. She wished she knew where he was, she wished he would just call her so she knew that he was safe, so that she could apologise to him for acting so badly. A dull ache had settled over her during the night, a feeling that she couldn’t shake, and wasn’t sure that she wanted to. The next day was dismal, both inside the house and out, the weather matching Stevie’s mood. Grey and overcast, with a relentless drizzle, Stevie knew that the boys would be antsy all day, there wouldn’t be much in the way of outdoor play, if any at all. She dragged herself from bed with a sigh and showered and dressed quickly, digging out a sweater from the back of the closet, feeling chilled to her bones. Heading downstairs, Stevie started making a large pot of oatmeal, wanting it ready by the time everyone got up. As it bubbled away, Stevie stood at the kitchen window, looking out, thinking.

Breakfast was a noisy affair as Finn babbled away and Ranger tried to teach him how to say more words, laughing in delight as Finn tried to copy his brother. After breakfast Stevie’s grandmother bathed and dressed the two boys, and the three of them snuggled up on the sofa to watch cartoons. Stevie started a slow cooked casserole for dinner, and then took a mug of hot tea and a book out to the front porch. After twenty minutes she put the book down, having read the same sentence a dozen times, unable to concentrate. She went over what Chase had told her the night before, that he had loved her. She wondered if he actually meant it? It hadn't surprised her, hearing him say those words, had she already known that he felt that way about her on some subconscious level? Stevie went over the events of the past few months, analysing Chase’s actions, analysing her own, looking for any small clue that she missed, looking for a sign that she had known his true feelings for her ran deeper than just friendship and respect, as her grandmother had often said. Stevie didn't find anything inappropriate in Chase’s behaviour, nor in her own, but if she was being honest with herself, she had to admit that they had always had an undercurrent between them.

Why then did she feel so unsettled?

“Lord,” Stevie closed her eyes and let the words of her heart fall from her lips. “Please help me to understand my own feelings towards Chase, help me to understand what it is that I truly desire. Lord, You alone know the desires of my heart, You alone authored my life. Please help me to see that if my desires do not match up to Your plans for me, that there is something better ahead for me, please help me to trust in You and Your plans for my life. Help me to see what Your will is Lord, so that I may follow where You lead me. Please help me to overcome my past hurts, so that I may move on to lead a full and fulfilling life, help me to let go of the notion of what I thought my life should look like, and to embrace my life as it is now, in all its glory. Please help me to live with contentment and to see the joy in every day. Amen.”

As Stevie prayed, she felt a calmness wash over her, and a clarity that she didn’t have before. She loved Chase, wholly, completely. Maybe she always had? Somewhere along the line, her silly teenage crush had become something more, something deeper, without her even realising it. That is why she was so upset that he had lied to her for these past several weeks. It wasn’t the lie itself that was so terrible, she could understand the reason for secrecy, for not wanting to burden anyone else with those terrible images, no, it was the fact that he hadn’t trusted her enough to come to her. It was so clear to her now, that Chase was the reason she agreed to marry him, not for any convenience, but rather for the man himself. She would have been content to remain married to him, platonically, as his dear friend, had he not told her that he loved her. now that she knew, and that she knew her own feelings mirrored his, she was at a loss as to where to go from here. Could she remain married to him, knowing how he felt, how she felt, without anything changing? Could they go back to just being friends? Could their marriage turn into something more? Did Chase want that? Did she? What if everything went wrong and she was left with nothing but the memory of Chase? These questions swam around and around her head for the rest of the day.

“Chaplain, I wasn’t expecting you, please come in,” Stevie opened the door wide.

“Thank you, I hope this isn't an inconvenient time?” The chaplain followed Stevie through to the kitchen.

“No, not at all, Gran has just taken Ranger down to the park for a play and Finn in napping,” Stevie explained, “would you like a cup of tea or coffee?”

“Tea would be lovely, thank you. I wondered if I might speak to you about Chase?”

“Did he speak with you?” Stevie passed the chaplain his tea and took the seat opposite him.

“He did. He’s been carrying the burden of Kyle’s death for a long time now. He asked that I come and see you, he wanted me to let you know that he is so sorry for the way that he told you, the last he wanted to do was to hurt you and the boys Stevie, I hope you know that.”

“I do.” Stevie nodded. “Did he tell you that I was angry with him?”

“Yes, he did.”

“The funny thing is,” Stevie explained, “I wasn’t angry with Chase over Kyle, I was angry with him for lying to me.”

“I see.”

“I don’t blame Chase for Kyle’s death, I never have, I know it was an accident. Chase would have given his life to save Kyle and Kyle would have done no less.”

“So, you were angry that he had lied?”

“Yes,” Stevie took a sip of her own tea. “I had asked him a number of times to tell me how Kyle had died, and Chase lied to me about that, not only did he lie to me about that, but he made up a story instead of telling me the truth. Why couldn’t he trust me? How could he honestly believe that I would have blamed him for Kyle’s death, for an accident? When I realised that he was having nightmares, I asked him about them, I asked him if he wanted to talk about them, I asked him if they were about Kyle, I urged him to talk to me, to talk to someone, but he still continued to lie to me. If I had known what he was seeing each night, I could have helped him, I could have told him weeks ago that I didn’t blame him for Kyle’s death, I never have, that I knew it was an accident. I could’ve told him earlier, and maybe I could’ve helped him, if he knew I didn’t blame him, maybe he wouldn’t have carried this guilt for so long.” Stevie sighed deeply. “I just wish that he hadn’t lied to me, I wish that he had come to me weeks ago so that I could have helped him.”

“When did you realise that you were in love with Chase?” The chaplain changed the subject.

“Yesterday,” Stevie answered unashamedly, “after a lot of prayer and inner reflection.”

“Chase believes that you will want a divorce, it is why he moved out, and why he requested to deploy, he honestly thinks he is making it easier on you and the boys right now, not harder.”

“It’s my fault that he thinks that, when he told me the truth, I was so angry I just got up and walked away. I should have said something, I realise that now, but I just couldn't think straight.”

“Tell me, Stevie, what do you want to happen going forwards?”

“I want my husband to be honest with me, always. I want...Chase. I just want him to come home so we can work this out. I want my marriage to be more than just for convenience, I want it to be real and solid and based on unshakeable foundations. Wait,” Stevie suddenly heard something the chaplain had said earlier, “what do you mean he requested to deploy, he’s supposed to stay here, with us.”

“I’m sorry Stevie, his orders have already come through.”

“When?” Stevie whispered, hardly daring to breathe.

“You know I can’t tell you that.”

“Chaplain, please if he...If anything happened and he never knew how I felt, that I forgave him, I couldn’t live with myself.”

“Ranger loves pancakes, doesn’t he?” The chaplain changed the subject, confusing Stevie.

---