Page 47 of Grand Love

“But I could ask Mason if he needs any help at all, maybe you could have him a day a week if he is ever too busy?”

“Whenever! I told the office I’m more than ready to drop down to three days now. I don’t want you ever having to pay for childcare.”

“I can’t see that ever being a problem.” I laugh, looking over at the people I call my family. “Do you think you can have Ellis next weekend, Mags? It would be overnight, which I know we haven’t tried before, but it’s Elliot’s birthday and Mason will be out with him. I might go too but if not, I’ll have him instead.”

“It’s Mason’s weekend?” she questions.

“Yeah, and he hasn’t asked me to ask, but he can have an extra night during the week or something.”

She puts her hand on her chest and beams at me. “His first sleepover? If Mason doesn’t mind, I’d love to.”

I watch her as she spins and picks up the sieve, her happiness making me smile. I shouldn’t feel sad, but I can’t help the hurt that swamps me. I have so much love around me, and Maggie is the mother and grandmother I always wished Ellis and myself to have. But she isn’t my mother. My mother hasn’t contacted me in months, and even then, it was me calling to tell her she had a new grandchild on the way. I’ve heard nothing since that day.

“What’s that look?” Maggie asks.

I scrunch up my nose in thought. “I think I made a mistake when I left Mason.” A lump forms in my throat.

Did I just say that out loud?

Maggie’s eyes go wide, and she recoils. “Nina. I—”

“I know.” I drop my head, waving it off. “It’s by the by now. I just wish I’d taken more time. I saw the photos and couldn’t see anything but that image when I made the decisions I did. Seeing him again this last week… It’s been odd. He hates me now.”

“I don’t believe that man could ever hate you.”

“I’m nearly thirty. I have Ellis now, and I live mostly off the money I get from his father. I feel like I’m in this weird middle zone of motherhood and trying to find… me again. I don’t know.” I huff. “What if I don’t find someone else?” I bite the inside of my cheek. “Being alone, it scares me.”

“You’ll never be alone, darling,” she soothes, pulling me into her side. “And someone will snap you up. You just have to learn to let them in.” She gives me a pointed look. “And dance, you need to dance again, Nina.”

Maybe she’s right, maybe dancing is the distraction I need to ease the chaos that Mason brings.

* * *

Every weekI tell myself that I will step out of my comfort zone and get the tube, go into Oxford Circus, and do my shopping. I hate relying on Vinny and Joey to take me everywhere; I know they’re both busy. But right now, as I look down at Ellis and watch as he goes red-faced and grunts his way through his ten a.m. poo, I know I should’ve asked someone for a lift.

Do I get off at an earlier stop? It’s busy and people are starting to stare.

“Ellis, what did you do?” I groan as he sits, smiling at me triumphantly.

* * *

Stupidly,I thought we’d be okay. I didn’t get off early and by the time we arrived, it had started to come out of the sides of the nappy.

I roll the pushchair through Mothercare and into their baby changing unit to clean him up.

As I leave the shop, I can smell the stench from the clothes that I placed in a nappy bag, and I know I will have to ditch them. I can’t walk around London with that smell getting under my nose.

Looking up and down the street, I search for a bin, finally spotting one on the opposite side. “Thank god.” I push forward with his stroller at the same time a woman steps past me. She kicks the wheel, causing her to trip, her phone falling to the floor.

“Oh, I’m so sorr—” I cut myself off when she turns, and my eyes zero in on her familiar face.

It’s the girl from the hotel. The one who had been crying. She’s made up now though and is wearing an expensive business dress.

She goes to speak but then stops, dropping her eyes to Ellis in the stroller. Her gaze lifts instantly, darting all over my face, her lips tight as if refraining from saying something. She bends and picks up her phone, then looks down at Ellis again. She pauses for a moment, her throat bobbing. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” She takes off quickly and all I can do is stand, frozen in place, watching as her back gets swallowed up in the crowd.

“It’s her.”

“Da Da Da Da.” Ellis claps.

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