Page 68 of LOT 62

I climbed out of the bunk and put my wrists out in front of me, familiar with the routine now. I could wander all I wanted during certain times, but whenever I had a visitor, the cuffs came out like I was a death risk.

Pushed to walk ahead of the guard, I got taunted as we passed other cells. Some of these guys never got a single visitor, and I pretty much had one every day or every other day. I didn’t care about the taunts, because without Devon, my parents, my brother, and Nate, I’d have lost my mind in here during the first month. I thought I was tough. Turned out I wasn’t. Maybe trailer park tough and prison tough were two different things.

“Thirty minutes,” the guard said when we got to the visitation area. “Forty if I forget to check my watch for another ten.” He barely grinned at me, but he’d been a good guy since I got here.

“Thanks.”

The tables mostly sat empty, but a few inmates visited with wives, kids, or parents. I wasn’t considered a violent criminal, so I got visits in a communal space with guards all around.

My brother stood, smiling at me with less pain in his eyes than Devon had. “Hey, Madd.” He wanted to hug me, but it wasn’t allowed. “You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit,” I admitted, sitting down across from him.

Xavi put his hands on the metal table, looking as guilty as the rest of them. I didn’t know why they always looked at me like this was all their fault. It wasn’t. But my cellmate had told me it was something like survivor’s guilt. They felt bad for being free when I wasn’t.

“How are you?” he asked.

The exact same as always, only a little darker now. “Tired.” Pissed off, afraid, scared of everything, lonelier than I’d ever been, and depressed as shit.

“Two more days, Madd. Two days.”

“Yeah.” I hoped he was right, but I didn't let myself go there too often.

“I dropped your suit off with the guards. You’re all set for court.”

“What’d you have to sell this time?” I asked. “Who the hell can afford a suit?”

I hated that they sold everything for me. If this trial didn’t give me a win, it’d all be for nothing, and they’d have to start over from zero.

“Dad had one,” Xavi said, brushing that off. His expression turned sombre. “Look, Madd. I gotta tell ya something.”

“What happened?” I sat up straighter.

“Devon…”

“Devon, what?” I leaned forward, panic gripping me. “What about Devon, Xavi? Is he okay?” My heart sank to my ankles and my anxiety peaked.

“He’s okay now,” Xavi said, making my throat clog. “He’s just not doing very well.”

“Tell me, Xavi! Please.” I begged him with my eyes so I didn’t end this visit with anger before I got the chance to find out. The guards would pull me from the room if I so much as raised my voice. “Please.”

Xavi ran his fingers through his hair. “He’s okay. He’s just struggling. He’s been doing so well, you know? Trying to stay focused on the trial and getting you out. But…”

“Xavi,” I cried.Tell me before I fucking break.

“He got really drunk last night. He took some of Mom’s pills, and he ended up in the hospital.”

I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break even more.No. Devon. That clog in my throat stuttered out in a choppy breath that made my lip wobble. “Is he okay?”

“I’m not even sure if it was an OD or if it was alcohol poisoning, but he’s okay. They pumped his stomach and flushed his system, but he’s okay today. He’s back home, but he’s staying with us now. I don’t want him staying with mom anymore. He wanted to come today, but we wouldn’t let him. He needs to rest before tomorrow.”

Devon was out there hurting, and there was nothing I could do about it. My stomach turned queasy and my eyes burned. I needed to win this court case so I could get the fuck out and bitch slap Devon back into shape. I needed to remind him what we had to live for.

“Why wasn’t anyone watching him? There had to have been signs, no?”

“There was. He called Nate the night before in the middle of the night, asking for help. He told Nate that he wanted to drink, so they drove around for a few hours until Devon felt better. I guess… we fucked up by thinking he’d reach out again. I’m sorry, Madd.”

He had nothing to be sorry for.

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