Page 57 of Redemption

Laughing, she shakes her head. So damn dramatic. “Trust me, it’s not even close to the worst thing that’s happened today.”

“I just really thought if you were reminded of the love you had for him, you’d reconsider.”

“Trust me, I wish it was that easy.”

“Why can’t it be?”

Her hand reaches out and takes his, his eyes meeting hers for the first time since he arrived. “Do you really believe I’ve forgotten how much I love him? I barely get through each day because I miss him so damn much, but I have to find a way to be happy without him.”

“Why?”

“Because loving him like I did made me stop lovingme. No relationship should ever take you away from who you are at your core, and that happened. I lost myself and became someone I never wanted to be.”

“No, it didn’t. You’re still you. You were still always you. Hell, you punched Kandi and broke her nose a few months back. There’s nothing more Lex than that.”

Licking her lips, she looks at their hands together on the table. “It’s not as simple as that.”

“Tell me what makes it so damn complicated. I want to understand, Lex. I really do.”

“No, I don’t want to create issues. It’s best if you just trust me. You saw me that night he forced me into the clubhouse and humiliated me. That’s all you need to know.”

Pulling his hand from hers, he stands. “I thought we were friends. Hell, I consider you my best friend, and I thought you felt the same.”

The hurt in his voice stabs at her chest, and the bleach she used to clean up earlier assaults her nostrils as she breathes deeply and churns her stomach. “You are my best friend, Shep. One of the only ones I have left these days.”

“Then why can’t you talk to me? Maybe if you’d been a little more open about what happened with Colt, I wouldn’t have tried to get you two together at the wedding. It’s clearly something terrible, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. When did I end up being one of the people you can’t trust?”

She takes a deep breath and blows the air out slowly. “It’s not that I don’t trust you-”

“Then talk to me!”

Her finger flies to her lips. “The kids are sleeping, remember?”

Flinching, he lets out a breath and shakes out his arms. “Sorry. I’m just… it hurts. It hurts to know I’m not in the circle of trust anymore.”

“It’s not that simple, and you know that. You’re part of the club. He’s part of the club. The entire family is part of the club.”

“The club doesn’t come before this,” he says, his hand moving between them. “I can’t believe you’d think that. Not after everything we’ve been through. Hell, I may not be with the club if it wasn’t for you.”

If only he understood how much she wants to believe the club doesn’t come first when it comes to them. How her entire body yearns for it to be the truth.

“But it does, Shep. I love you, and I trust you with my life. But the issues with Colt run deep, and it all ties back to the club. You either end up in a position where you have to choose a side, or you let what happened between him and I alter how you feel about him. Which can have deadly consequences. You know this.”

He looks at the ground. “I just thought you had more faith in me than this. That you knew me better to know this wouldn’t be an issue.”

“Tell me, after that scene in the clubhouse, when our dirty little secret came to light, did you hold a grudge against Colt?”

“Well, yeah-”

“And how does that affect the club?”

Sitting, he sighs. “You’re more than the club to me.”

“I’m not in the club anymore, and it’s all different now. It’s not something that can just magically fix itself one day. We aren’t going to go back to being happy and one big family overnight. I don’t think we ever will.”

“You’re not part of the club anymore?”

“I can’t be.”

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