Page 58 of Redemption

He crosses his arms over his chest and leans back. “Now I need to know what happened. Because I’m not sure I want to be part of this club if you walk.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do. You’ve saved our asses on more than one occasion. Don’t you get it, Lex? I owe you. You saved me. You’re the one who gave me the ability to redeem myself when I’d gotten so far off track no one else would’ve done that.”

Laughing, she looks at the table. “I think you’re giving me too much credit.”

“I’m not.”

“Don’t you think this might be part of the problem? I’m so sick of being on this damn pedestal, and it’s so high, I can’t stay on it any longer. At some point, I have to fall. No, I have fallen. I’ve broken my face and all my bones, and it hurts. It really, really hurts.”

“We don’t put you on a pedestal.”

She glares at him, her eyebrows raised. “Really?”

“Okay, maybe we have more expectations for you than we do others, but-”

“It’s inevitable I fail. No one can maintain the perfection expected of me. And with what happened with my marriage, it came sooner than I expected. I knew it was bound to happen. I’ve been thinking about it for so long, and it’s not something that’s maintainable.”

His eyes widen. “You’ve been thinking you want to leave even before Colt fucked you over?”

Chuckling, she looks away. “I never planned to leave. Up until all this shit went down, I was going to die for the club. Who am I kidding? I probably still will. But I knew I needed to step back. It’s too much to try and do, and I keep getting reminded that I’m not a patched member.”

“I don’t even know what to say right now.”

“You don’t have to say anything. And you don’t get a say in this, Shep. I’m sorry.”

“It’s like you’re a completely different person now.”

The air escapes her before she thinks about it. “Yeah, that’s probably true. I’m someone I never expected to be. I’m in a position I never thought possible. But I’m here. And I’m doing the best I can.”

“By your own choice!” he whisper-shouts. “You made this decision. You can choose a different outcome, but you’re too damn stubborn.”

Her eyes widen as he stands and walks towards the door. “I saw my childhood in Calla’s future, and I couldn’t do that,” she blurts out. “Not to my little girl.”

He turns and stares at her. “What are you talking about?”

“I always came second. Or third. Zane and the club always came before me. You know I don’t celebrate my birthday because of Zane. And I can’t tell you how many times VP let me down with reasons that always came down to the club.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Calla didn’t even recognize her own father, Shep. He was gone more than he was home, and when he was home, she was scared of him. Colt was a complete stranger to his own daughter.”

He sits back down. “What?”

“If it was just about me, this would be different. You know that. I’d either suffer until I went crazy, or I’d be gone in Arizona. But with my kids, I can’t risk my childhood being theirs. I just can’t.”

“Lex-”

“Noah kept asking why Daddy didn’t love us anymore. Why he didn’t want to spend time with us. And when he asked me if it was his fault, I knew it was time to start making decisions because something had to change. I had to make some really tough decisions.”

He gapes at her. “I had no idea.”

“No one did. He missed my birthday. Once we were married, he’d always do something special for the two of us to remind me it wasn’t all bad, and he was in Black Valley this year. Then he forgot our anniversary. Didn’t call when he was late, then he showered and passed out. And how about Noah’s birthday? He did make it home for his actual birthday, and he luckily gave him a present big enough to make him forget his dad missed his party. But then he missed Calla’s. Her first birthday.”

“I remember he wasn’t here for it.”

“He stopped answering my calls. The number of hours he was home in the last six months before I left comes to maybe two days total. And that’s being generous. But what kills me is the person I became. I begged him to stay for a weekend. Two whole days. On my hands and knees, begging, and he still walked away. God, it’s so humiliating to realize how low I got. What I was willing to do to try and save our family.”

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