Page 73 of Redemption

“I want to punch myself in the fucking face.”

“What are you talking about?” he asks.

Swallowing, he wipes his eyes again. Colt isn’t angry anymore. He’s defeated. “When I was on my knees begging her, I had a taste of what she felt. What I did to her, and I see it now. God, I was such an asshole.”

“What happened, Colt?”

“When I begged her to give us a chance, she had a reaction. My pain hurt her. I told her how she had a perfect opportunity to inflict pain when she cleaned me up, and she said my pain becomes hers. She was so gentle, and I didn’t deserve it. But months ago, she was the one begging me on her knees just to spend the fucking weekend with them at home. She said my kids didn’t even know me anymore, and I said no. I got pissed, and I left. I knew she was hurting, but it made me angrier.”

“Pissed… why?”

“Because she didn’t understand why I needed to go. This is my club, and she of all people should know. But the real reason I needed to go was because of something I never told her. Instead, I left her with all these reasons to question everything about us. About her. God, that kills me more than anything.”

The thought of his daughter-in-law begging his son on her hands and knees to spend time with their family feels like a freight train just rammed into him. That’s not Lex. He looks at Karmen, who just stares at Colt with sad eyes. She really did everything she could to fight for their marriage, and he just let her do it alone. Like he did with his wife. Fuck it if they aren’t two sides of the same fucked up coin.

“Maybe she’ll come around,” Karmen offers.

He shakes his head and chuckles dryly. “No, she has a wall up, and she’s not going to let it down. It’s become too reinforced after all the years of damage we’ve all done to her that I can’t break it down. Not even if I had a damned sledgehammer. I’m just so fucking pissed at myself for not realizing what I was doing.”

“Why were you spending so much time in Black Valley?” TK asks. “You said it wasn’t because of Diane, so what was it?”

Colt licks his lips. “It’s so stupid now.”

“Have you told Lex the reason?” Karmen asks.

“No.”

“Speak,” he orders.

His eyes look up. “Because of Casey.”

Casey? The young kid the Slashers killed. “What?”

“He sacrificed his life to save mine. He was young, but I had kids.”

“That’s what brothers do for each other,” Karmen says. “That’s what Trunk did for Jennings.”

“It’s not just that,” he says and sighs. “He was a year younger than Noah would be right now. And somewhere, it got all fucking muddled, and I couldn’t separate Casey from my brother. I heard their voices in my head telling me all the shit I did wrong. As luck would have it, the moment I realized just how badly I fucked up, the voices stopped. They just delivered the shit I didn’t want to accept.”

He seemed haunted. Karmen was spot on. “Colt, why didn’t you say anything? To me? Or better yet, to Lex? You wouldn’t be here right now if you had.” As he says it, he knows he’s a hypocrite. He always bottles his shit up, too.

“Because I felt guilty and ashamed. Like I didn’t deserve to be spared. And then I found out Casey’s mom is sick, and he joined the club to bring in enough money to help her stay at home and provide her protection. He was her only family, and I was out there making extra money to give her.”

“We would have done that,” his mother says. “Well, the club would have done that.”

The way she corrects herself, clarifying she isn’t included, bothers him. It’s his own fault. He made it clear she was no longer part of the club.

“I felt responsible. He gave up his life for me and left his sick mom alone.”

“Go inside and tell Lex this. Tell her the truth about what happened, and she’ll probably forgive you,” he says.

“No, this doesn’t magically excuse the fact I stopped being the man my family needed. I’m making it up to my kids by being here now, but when you let your kids down, it hurts their mother in a way that’s nearly impossible to fix. I get it now, Mom. Everything you said, I fucking understand.”

Letting out a deep breath, she looks at her hands clasped together in front of her. “I wish you didn’t, baby. I really wish you didn’t. But Lex isn’t me. She’s a hell of a lot stronger than I’ve ever been.”

“That’s kind of the problem. She’s too damn strong. Part of me wishes she would have fucked around with someone. We’d be together right now if she had because we’d be even.”

“No, you wouldn’t. That trust would be broken on both ends, and you two aren’t the type to get over that. You would have broken irreparably.”

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