Page 63 of Paved in Hate

I fall asleep feeling so loved and at peace, so when the nightmare jolts me awake, I’m completely unprepared for it. In the dream I’d been taken from Vitaly and forced to live with my brothers again. His dark-haired pet was begging me to help her, but I couldn’t do anything. I was paralyzed with fear and frozen in place, wanting so desperately to get back to Vitaly because I knew he’d make everything better, that I’d be safe if I could just get back to him.

Not wanting to wake him, I slide out from under his arm, and scoot off the bed. The sun is just starting to rise, giving me enough light to see his gorgeous face. He looks so damn peaceful, and I’m not about to interrupt that because I had a nightmare. I do need to purge myself of the images and the oppressive feeling that’s still lingering in my mind, though. Grabbing his shirt from the floor, I slip it on and dig out my smaller sketchpad from my bag in the closet. With my pencils in hand, I sit on the floor near one of the floor-to-ceiling windows and find my next blank page.

I lose myself in what I’m doing. Everything else fades away except the black lines I’m creating on the page. All I can think about is how badly I need to get this shit out of my mind and onto the paper. I draw Konstantin’s pet again and again, trying to capture the way she’d looked in my dream, and it’s not until I hear Vitaly yelling my name that I finally drop my pencil like I’ve just come out of a trance. I turn my head, and the look of pure horror on his pale face scares the fuck out of me.

“What’s wrong?” I quickly jump up, noticing the charcoal smudges I’ve put on his nice, white dress shirt. “I’m so sorry.”

I try to brush it clean, but it just makes it worse, and his shocked, pale face is still scaring the fuck out of me. Finally, he grabs my hands to still them and then nods towards my sketchpad. It opened to a new page when I jumped up, the one where Konstantin’s pet is being dragged off the plane by a leash.

“Why are you?” He starts and then stops, letting out a shaky breath. “Why the fuck are you drawing her?”

“I had a nightmare,” I whisper. “Drawing helps me get it all out. If I don’t, it makes me feel like I’m going crazy.”

“But you’re drawing Alina. How the fuck do you know Alina?”

“What?” I look down at the dark-haired woman with the haunted eyes. I don’t have my colored pencils out, so I wasn’t able to capture the vivid blue-green of them, but I’ve managed to recreate the shape and the pain that’s always shining through.

“I don’t understand,” I finally whisper.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Vitaly says, reaching for the sketchpad, and the pain in his voice has me quickly grabbing onto him. He falls to his knees, and I go down with him, wrapping my arms around him as I try to comfort him in any way that I can. He looks utterly distraught, like a man who’s coming face to face with his worst fears. He lets out a pained groan when he flips through my sketchpad, seeing her naked, beaten body.

“This is Alina, the woman we’ve been looking for. She’s Konstantin’s pet?” His eyes meet mine, and the sight of them makes my own fill with tears. There’s pain and confusion and so much heartache, and it guts me to see him like this. “I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell me you knew where she was?”

“I didn’t know it was her.” I point to the drawing in his hands. “She’s Konstantin’s pet. I never knew her name. I only ever catch glimpses of her. I’m not allowed to talk to her or acknowledge she even exists.” I grab the sketchpad and turn to the beginning, to the drawings I made of the woman I’d tried to help, the one Konstantin had beaten to death in front of me. “I told you that if I try to help them, it only puts them in more danger.”

He’s silent as he flips through the pages, studying each and every one of them, stopping when he gets to the part that’s filled with his face. He meets my eyes, and the pain in his fades the tiniest bit at knowing I’ve been secretly drawing him, but it quickly comes back as he closes the sketchpad and lets it fall to the floor. He scrubs a hand over his face and then shakes his head as if he still can’t get himself to believe it.

“She’s been with him this whole time?”

“I think so. I first saw her almost two years ago, and Konstantin isn’t the type to want someone else’s used pet. That’s not how he does things.”

“Where is she now?”

I rest my hand on his forearm and meet his eyes. “She’s here, Vitaly. She was on the plane with us.”

His eyes widen. “She’s here? She was at the mansion at the same fucking time we were?”

“Yes.”

He stands and starts pacing the room, too pissed off to stand still.

“I can’t fucking believe it,” he yells and then thinks better of it and lowers his voice, but it doesn’t stop the rage from coming through. “We sat there and ate supper with that motherfucker and the whole goddamn time Alina was right fucking there!”

There’s nothing I can say to make this better, so I don’t say anything. I cross my arms over my chest and watch the man I love almost fall apart from grief and anger and hate, and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do to take it away. This is my brother’s fault, but it’s also mine. I should’ve done something to help her. I should’ve found a fucking way. As soon as I start to think it, Vitaly stops his pacing and walks over to me. He cups my face and leans down so I have no choice but to face him. I’m too ashamed to meet his eyes, so I look to the side, ignoring the tears that continue to fall.

“Look at me,ptichka.” His voice is soft and calmer than it was just a few seconds ago. It’s the tender voice I’ve only ever heard him use with me. I force my eyes to his, expecting to see disgust, but there’s only love and sadness in them.

“This is not your fault.” His thumb grazes my cheek, wiping away the tears. “Do you understand me?”

“It is, though. I should’ve tried harder.”

He gives a soft shake of his head. “No, baby. If you had, then he would’ve killed her, and he probably would’ve made you do it.”

I shudder at the image, and when he feels it, he lets me go just long enough to wrap his arms around me and pull me into a hug. He cocoons me with the warmth of his body as he strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head.

“We’re going to get Alina back because of you. If you hadn’t drawn her, then who knows how long it would’ve taken us to realize she’s his pet. We would’ve eventually found her, but it’s just been sped up because of you.”

He sighs and kisses me again.

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