Page 10 of Protector

I hurt her, and I have to live with that every day of my life. She won’t let me talk to her. I want to apologize, but at the same time, I don’t. Because I know an actual apology will have to include an explanation, and I won’t let myself go there to do that.

So I’m just in this limbo-ish hell.

But I can’t risk losing Adam. I won’t. I just need to get my shit together and stop freaking out.

I want to go over to his place after school, maybe help him out with chores, but my mom’s at work, and Elliot is home, so I need to be there with my sisters. I drive them both home after school, and when we walk inside, the shithead is just sitting on the couch with a beer in hand, watching television.

He doesn’t seem concerned with our presence, so I quickly make a snack for Mary and set her up in her room while Anna joins her, avoiding Elliot completely. When they’re settled, I head into my bedroom, but I leave the door open so I can hear if they need me.

I stay there until it’s time to make dinner—just simple spaghetti because that’s pretty much all I know how to make—but the girls don’t complain. Elliot, of course, does. Grumbling the entire time he piles the food on his plate and then takes it into the living room.

He plops down in front of the television to eat, and I breathe a sigh of relief as the girls and I sit at the table.

I hate this.

I remember dinners with my family when my dad was still alive. He wasn’t really a talker, but his presence was a happy one. He was content to just sit at the table with us and listen to our stories. Listen to my mother as she told him about her day.

I hate that Anna and Mary won’t have memories like that.

None at all.

This is what they’ll remember. Tiptoeing around their own home to try to avoid their asshole stepfather. Trying not to set him off so we don’t have to listen to him rage for the next hour or so as we lock ourselves in our rooms.

I try not to think about it as I shovel food into my mouth, and then my mind wanders to Adam’s face this morning. How he pled with me to tell him what’s going on with me. As if I could actually speak the words out loud.

As if he doesn’t know how shitty my life is. Even without knowing my biggest secret. I’m tired. So damn tired, and I’m only eighteen.

I can’t take the ignorance of the town. The gossip. Shitty father figures and dead dads. Zombie-like mothers. I’m over it all. I’m happy for Adam’s brother—that he got out and he’s truly happy.

And yes, I know that actually hitting the stupid motherfuckers today wouldn’t have done any good and we’d have just gotten into trouble, but every part of me wanted to take out my frustrations on them. I wanted them to feel even an ounce of pain that their stupid-ass words inflict on people, whether they know it or not. Whether they even mean to or not.

At least it would have been doing something. Something to let people know this shit doesn’t fly. That it’s not funny nor is it okay to say things like that. But no. We had to stay silent. Adam had to be the good one. The bigger man.

I’m really tired of being the bigger person. Of keeping my mouth shut and just barely existing.

I can’t take the fact that I’m stuck here. And the fact that having Adam knowing every bit of it—if I unleashed the hell inside me and just spewed every single dark truth that’s bugging me—I know he’d want to fix it.

He’d want to protect me. It’s just who he is. Even if he didn’t understand what I told him. Even if he secretly didn’t like it. He’d still want to protect me. I can feel it deep in my bones.

But he can’t.

Not from this.

Not really from anything.

My reality isn’t something that can be fixed.

I just need to hold on for a little longer and keep it together. Put on a brave face for a little longer and push everything down.

I can do this. I have to do this.

I just hope Adam won’t be too damn stubborn about it and will let me.

SEVEN

ADAM

I haven’t talked to Zach nearly enough this week. I think he’s avoiding me, at least avoiding talking to me. And I can’t stand it. Every part of me wants to corner him and make him talk to me.

---