Page 34 of A Game of Survival

“You can’t eat me, Mommy!” he wails between fits of giggles. It’s the best sound in the entire world and if I could bottle it up, I would.

A low cough from behind pauses my movements. “What’s all this noise I can hear?” Max calls from the doorway.

Teddy immediately removes himself from my hold and jumps from the stool. “UNCLE MAX!” he shouts excitedly as he runs over to Max with his arms stretched as wide as they’ll go. Max catches him, swinging him up over his head.

“Tedster, I’m so happy to see you little man. I missed you so much.” Max states, and I can hear the emotion in his voice. While he lowers Teddy back to the ground, I also notice the flash of pain as his face scrunches and he immediately snaps his arm around his midsection. Fool. He’s still healing. He catches my disapproving glare but shrugs it off, kneeling down so that he’s eye to eye with Teddy now. “I’m sorry Ted. I'M SO SO SORRY…” his voice cracks as he pulls him into his body. “This was all my fault.” I hear him croak as he hangs his head, drowning in the weight of the guilt he carries.

Oh no. I’m not having this. He is not going to take the blame for this one and tell Teddy that what happened was all his fault. Over my dead body.

“Max,” I warn, lowering my tone and cutting him off before he says too much. He should know better. But when his eyes meet mine, there is nothing of the man I know lying behind them. He looks empty. The reality of what could have been for both of them overwhelms me with such intense ferocity that I have to steady myself against the counter.

“Are you sad, Uncle Max?” I hear Teddy whisper as Max refuses to let him go.

“No Ted, I’m not sad,” Max sighs.

“Then why are you crying?”

Max sucks in a deep breath of air, turning his lips up into an unconvincing smile as he pulls back and looks into Teddy's face. “I’m just happy to have you back little man,” he sighs, squeezing him again before standing up and lifting Teddy from the floor. He walks over to where I stand, silently watching, holding back all of the emotions that are running riot, fighting to break free from the inner cyclone that's raging inside of me. The anger, the sadness, the resentment, the love, but even more so, the forgiveness. I never for a moment thought that Max could have been involved in something like this. Never doubted his love for both Teddy and myself. And my god, I would have gone to the ends of the world to ensure justice was served if he had never made it out alive.

You know when you hear the quote that it doesn't do well to dwell on the past? Well, maybe it’s right, maybe I shouldn’t be purging myself with thoughts of what if and plotting a revenge so sweet that it tastes bitter against my tongue. I should be enjoying these moments while I can. And so with no effort at all, I embrace my son and my brother in my arms and hold them tight, whispering my love to them both.

Max spent the entire day with us after that, not willing to let either of us out of his sight now that we were all seemingly safe from harm. I hadn’t seen much from Lincoln and literally nothing from Silas though and the small pit of unease in my stomach grew with each passing hour.

“Earth to Lucille,” Max’s voice echoes through my thoughts and I blink myself back to focus.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” I ask, feeling the warmth of the steaming cup of coffee burn through my palms as I nestle onto the couch.

Max frowns slightly, questioning me with his glare. “Have you spoken with Katrina?”

“No. Not yet. She’s been texting me all day though.” I smile, with the thought of my friend being left on read and the knowledge that it will be pissing her off. “I’ll call her tomorrow.” I concede, taking a long sip of coffee to which he simply nods.

“Are you alright?” Max asks, crooning his head to the side.

The question seems somewhat alarming given the circumstances recently and I fail to hide the incredulous tsk that involuntarily leaves my lips.

“Areyoualright?” I counter, knowing full well that he is not. We’re both fighting our own demons, and the way he refuses to look me in the eye after I ask only solidifies that knowledge. “That’s exactly what I thought,” I snap, regretting my tone as soon as I said it. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now. I’m so fucking happy that we finally got Teddy back, but everything else feels so wrong. I don’t know what I’m meant to do now.” I admit, turning my attention to Teddy who sits quietly coloring in some of Alessandro’s books.

“You live, Lucille. For him. You move on. Christ, you pack your shit and get out of town.”

I let the shock of his words slowly sink in, taking a long procrastinating drink of my coffee before I answer. How does he still not understand? “How can you even suggest that to me right now?” I whisper.

“Because it’s what's best for you, and if you can’t see it for yourself, somebody in their right mind needs to tell you,” he states, neither irate nor belittling. I think he genuinely believes this would be the best thing for me to do. To run. “Hell, I will pack your bags for you to get you out of here,” he adds while he begins pacing the room.

“I won't run away from this Max.”

“This is not your fight to face Luc.”

“Not my fight? He took my son Max. He almost killed you because of me. How is this notmyfight?” I scoff.

Max shakes his head in response, noticeably irritated with me now as he runs his fingers through his hair. “What exactly are you planning on doing, Lucille? You won’t ever get one foot out of this place without your boyfriends hot on your tail. You think you will be able to pull the wool over their eyes and you’ll somehow find yourself in a position with Ronan where you have the upper hand? Do you think you’ll be able to pull the trigger when the time comes? He was your father once upon a time. Don’t pretend that doesn’t still mean something to you.” His words are fast and full of more than just anger. It’s fear that riles him so much. I can see it in his eyes and in the way his body tenses as he mentions Ronan's name, but I am not the same woman I was five years ago when I ended up on his doorstep, hell I’m not even sure I’m the same woman I was two days ago. This last week has been the longest, most grueling time of my life and no doubt it has aged me another ten years, but it’s also hardened me in ways I could never comprehend. I cast my gaze to Teddy who currently seems to be uninterrupted by our heated conversation with his tongue sticking out as he concentrates on his drawings.

I snap my head back to Max whose eyes have traveled the path of my own. “I will not do this here in front of him.” I state, straightening my shoulders and raising my chin.

Max opens his mouth to respond but closes it again in quick succession. I can see the clench of his jaw as he battles with himself on what to say until finally he grunts defeatedly and through gritted teeth says, “Just don’t do anything fucking stupid, Lucille,” as he leaves the room.

Come bedtime that evening, I hadn’t seen Lincoln since this morning and was still yet to hear or see Silas. It didn’t take long for me to sing Teddy off to sleep in the same guest room we slept in last night, but my overworked brain was unable to give me the rest I so eagerly hoped for, so I lay awake staring up at the darkened ceiling until I could no longer stand the increasing pitch of the deafening scream that infested my mind.

Making as little noise as possible, I carefully slide myself out of bed and make my way to Silas’ office, hoping I’ll find one of them in there. The house is completely silent and mostly dark, the moonlight through the windows leading my way. But as I push open the door to be met with a dark and empty room, my hopefulness slowly begins to distinguish. Where the heck are they?

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