Page 136 of The Nanny

“Sophie, I’m so sorry,” I tell her again, wishing I had some way to make this right. “I should have been there. I feel horrible that you had to go through that alone.”

Sophie shrugs. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not, Soph,” I stress, leaning to press my hand to her hair. “I’m supposed to protect you. It’s my job to make sure you don’t ever feel like this, and I didn’t do a good job. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure I never mess up like this again.”

“I’m not mad at you,” she tells me quietly.

I shake my head. “I would be mad at me, if I were you.”

“I’m not,” she assures me. “Promise.”

“But you’re not okay,” I urge. “Talk to me. Let me help.”

She nuzzles into her pillow, shutting her eyes and squeezing them tight as tears collect there. “Wanda was hurt,” she says pitifully. “I didn’t know what to do. I thought she was gonna die.”

“Oh, honey.” I carefully crawl over her, settling behind her in her bed and pulling her back against my chest to hold her tight. She turns to bury her face there, and I rest my cheek against her hair. “You did amazing, Soph. Today was scary. Way scarier than anything you should ever have to go through. But you did great.Sogreat. You saved Wanda’s life. Do you understand?”

I can’t see her face now, but I feel her nodding against my chest. “Is she okay?”

“They told us she’s going to be fine after some rest,” I tell her. “Cassie is with her right now.”

“Do you think Cassie is mad at me?”

“What?” I turn my face down to look at her. “Of course she isn’t. Cassie could never be mad at you. She loves you.”

Sophie’s voice is softer now. “I don’t want Cassie to get mad and leave.”

“Sophie.” I feel a squeezing sensation in my chest. “Is that what’s got you so worried? That’s not going to happen.”

“You promise?”

“I’m going to do my very best to make sure that never happens.”

“I love Cassie too,” she whispers into my shirt.

I close my eyes as I rub her back, leaving soothing circles there to keep her calm and comfortable. It takes a while for her breathing to even out, but I can tell when she drifts off to sleep, her body going limp in my arms as the tension of the morning finally gets the best of her. I keep my arms around her even after she falls asleep, taking advantage of this quiet moment as I think about our exchange.

I can’t imagine what Sophie felt when she was alone with Wanda—unable to reach me or Cassie and not having any idea what to do. The panic she must have felt leaves me a mess inside, racked with guilt and outright shame for not having been there for her. Especially with how amazing last night was, how happy I was up until the moment I saw all of the missed calls. Things felt fucking perfect up until that part. Now I just feel like shit.

There’s an additional guilt on top of everything else for having left Cassie at the hospital, but I hadn’t known what else to do. I’m sure that Cassie understands how much Sophie needed me, how distracted I was by everything going on—but it doesn’t ease the guilt.

And Iris. FuckingIris.

She’s never liked me, not when Rebecca got pregnant, not when we tried to make things work, not when we decided we were better apart—especially not when my life got so hectic after I got my current job. Everything had only gotten a thousand times worse after Rebecca passed and Sophie came to me. Now it’s like Iris’s entire life’s mission is to prove me an unfit parent. And hereI am, having hand delivered the knife she’s been looking for to stab in my back.

What a fucking mess.

I keep thinking about Cassie’s face at the hospital—her crestfallen look telling me that she was blaming herself for Iris going off the rails. I should have done more to assure her, I know that, but with Sophie looking nearly catatonic, all I could think about was getting her home and safe and herself again. I plan to thoroughly apologize to Cassie whenever she makes it back. Not that I have any idea when that will be, since her phone is dead.

I love Cassie too.

It’s the only part of this whole mess giving me any level of happiness. Sophie’s quiet admission. The way Cassie loves my daughter, the way Sophie loves her back—it makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. Makes me imagine all sorts of things I have no business imagining with Cassie after our short time together, evenwithour strange shared history. Still. I imagine them all the same.

I pull Sophie tighter, shutting out the buzzing in my head. There’s time to figure all of this out later, preferably on a day when we all haven’t been put through the ringer. I close my eyes, yawning as I silently assure myself.

We have plenty of time.

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