Page 138 of The Nanny

“It already has,” she chokes out. “And it’s going to get worse. They’re always going to point to how this all started. They’re going to use me like a trump card. I can’t be that. You won’twantme to be that. I’ll end up as a burden to both of you.”

I can’t comprehend what she’s saying. How can she actually think that her leaving could be a good thing? Just the thought of her walking out my door right now makes me feel like I’m swallowing water far beneath the surface, struggling to swim upward but suspended far below. It feels likedrowning.

“Cassie. Let’s talk about this. It’s been a stressful morning, and you’re upset. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. If we—”

“I’m not going to change my mind, Aiden.”

I’m months shy of being thirty-two, and I have never in my adult life felt as helpless as I do right now. I can feel her slipping through my fingers, and it feels unfair,unreal—I’ve barely even had her at all, and now I’m going to lose her.

“You’re really leaving. Aren’t you?”

She nods, and I feel something breaking inside.

“I’ve got some of my stuff in that bag”—she nods toward the duffel that I’d like to toss out the window—“and I’ll send someone after the rest.”

She’s going to disappear. Again.

“Sophie,” I say dazedly. “She’s asleep. I should go—”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I think it would be easier on her if I didn’t say goodbye.”

I feel something hot at my neck then, pushing up from the couch as my sadness and my frustration collide with anger. “Easier for who, Cassie? You? Or her?”

“Both,” she whispers, fresh tears springing up in her eyes. She rises from the couch then, hardly even looking at me. “It’ll be easier on her if she hates me.”

“Do you actually believe that? Shelovesyou. She’s the happiest I have seen her since her mom died, and it’s because of you. If you disappear, it’s going to absolutely wreck her.”

Not just her,I want to scream.It’s not just her.

“I know,” she whispers dejectedly.

“You said you weren’t going anywhere,” I remind her. “Why did you let me tell her about us if you were going to leave?”

“I’m sorry,” is all she says, reaching for her duffel. “I wish there was some other way.”

“Thereis.”I reach for her shoulders, turning her towards me before I hold her face in my hands. “Stay. Figure it out with me. I just found you. Don’t throw it all away before we even have a chance.Please,Cassie.”

Her eyes dip to my mouth as her lips tremble, and I feel my restraint crumbling away. She doesn’t stop me as I lean in, and I hear her soft intake of air seconds before my mouth touches hers. The kiss is wet from her tears, only making me feel more desperate, and I try to pull her closer, try to bridge the gap between us that feels like it’s widening by the second.

There’s a moment when she leans in, when I think maybe she’ll fall into my arms and forget this entire conversation—but it’s fleeting, slipping through my fingers just like she is. She pulls away, keeping her eyes shut tight as her fingers wrap around my wrists to gently pry them from her face. She steps away from me, and it’s only a foot of space between us, but it feels like miles.

“I’m sorry.”

Two words, but they’re enough to rip me to shreds. But I’m not ignorant to the look in her eyes. I can see how much this is killing her. How much she doesn’t want to go. How can I let her go, when she’s looking at me like she is? Like she wants me to hold her?

“You don’t want to go,” I say desperately. “You know you don’t. I’m not going to let you walk away for some bullshit reason. Ineedyou.”

She sucks in a breath, eyes widening as her resolve seems to waver. Her mouth closes just to open again, like she’s trying to form words but can’t remember how. Her next breath is shaky, her lips pressing together and her eyes turning to the floor, and for one second I think I’ve gotten through to her. That she won’t leave.

“Aiden, I... it’s not just the Iris thing.”

“Then what is? Whatever it is, we can work it out together. You just have to give me the chance to—”

“This is all too much for me,” she says flatly.

It feels like someone knocked the wind out of me. I feel all my surety and confidence trickling down the drain, having no way to be prepared for the possibility that she might not just be leaving for me but forheras well.

“What?”

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