Page 139 of The Nanny

“I...” She rubs at her arm nervously. Is it because of guilt? “I’ve been too distracted by all of this. I’ve been messing up at school, and I just... I don’t have time for everything that comes withthis. With us. I love Sophie, I do, but I’m not ready to be anyone’s mother. It’s way more than I signed up for. It’s not the right time in my life for me to try and be what you need.”

Every emotion that has raged inside me from the moment I realized her intention fizzles out and dies. In their wake is a cold, empty void that I find is somehow more terrifying than the idea of her leaving only moments ago. It feels like the end of something. Or maybe it feels like something that never really was.

“Oh.”

I don’t know what else to say. How can I possibly respond to that? I’d deluded myself into thinking that Cassie felt as strongly for me as I’ve come to feel for her. How naive of me.

A dry, hollow laugh escapes me. “Right. I didn’t—” My voice is thick now. “I didn’t realize that’s how you felt.”

“I’m sorry,” she says again.

I’m sorry.

What a ridiculous phrase. Meaningless. How is it that in millions of years we haven’t managed to come up with a better string of words to offer someone whose heart’s being stomped on?I’m sorryfeels like offering a Band-Aid for a shark bite.

Utterly. Useless.

“Don’t be,” I tell her. Now I’m the one who can’t look her in the eye. I don’t know if I’m embarrassed or just numb. “It was my mistake.” I move past her to drop down on the couch to take the pressure of my now-unsteady legs. “I shouldn’t have assumed that we felt the same.”

I hear her choke back a sob, but I still can’t bring myself to look at her. I’m afraid if I do, I’ll lose it.

“Aiden, I—”

“I’ll say goodbye to Sophie for you,” I say hollowly. “Eventually, she’ll understand.”

In my line of vision I can make out her legs moving toward herbag, and I can see her hands reaching for the strap. They’re trembling. I think she’s crying again. I still want to hold her, but knowing that she doesn’t want me to keeps me on the couch, my hands fisted at my sides and my eyes trained on the floor.

“Goodbye, Aiden,” she tells me softly, hardly even a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

I don’t tell her goodbye. I don’t think I’m physically able to make my mouth form the word. Almost like it’s wired shut in rebellion. As if not saying it will somehow make all of this go away.

But I can see her walking away from me, and the crushing realization that she won’t be coming back is a heavy, tangible thing settling on my shoulders. I don’t breathe until I hear the front door close behind her; I think I was hoping during her entire walk downstairs that she would change her mind. I have no idea what I’m going to tell Sophie, just like I have no idea how I’m going to pick myself up off the couch and figure out how to deal with losing Cassie only moments after I found her.

I don’t cry. I think I’d like to, but everything is so numb. Instead, I put my head in my hands, my shoulders shaking as I close my eyes and try to forget the way Cassie kissed me like she didn’t want to go. Even if I already know it’s going to haunt me. I have a terrifying feeling that all of her will.

Part of me thinks I should have told her I love her.

Part of me knows it wouldn’t have made her stay.

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I can’t believe you stood me up.

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CHAPTER 25

Cassie

You know, eventually you’re going to have to stop moping.”

I raise my head from the aged velvet of Wanda’s couch, glaring at her from the living room. “Shouldn’t you be more sympathetic?”

“Why?” she scoffs at me as she stirs her soup. “I’m not the one who told you to go and act like a dummy.”

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