Page 145 of The Nanny

“Damn right,” she huffs. “But...” She sighs, shaking her head. “I was foolish. Twenty-seven years old, and I still didn’t know anything about anything. I was always looking for the next party, the next big thing, and Henry, surprisingly enough, well... he wanted more.”

I notice the slight furrow in her brow now, the sad quality of her eyes that tells me this isn’t a wound that’s ever healed for her, whatever it may be.

“He asked me to marry him,” she says in a faraway voice. “At the end of that summer. Got down on one knee and everything.He had...” Wanda smiles, but again, there’s a sadness to it. “He even had this ring. It was tiny and pitiful, but I know he had to have saved all summer to buy it.” She closes her eyes, and I can tell she’s remembering this moment like it was yesterday. Like she’s never stopped thinking about it. “He’d gotten this job with a construction company in San Francisco, and he wanted me to come with him. Wanted to start our lives together all the way across the state.”

I know what happened, of course I do, since Wanda is here and Henry isn’t, but the way she goes quiet then tells me that she has trouble talking about it even now after all this time, and I find myself stating the obvious, anyway.

“You said no,” I say quietly.

She nods. “I said no.”

“Why?”

“Why,” Wanda laughs dryly, turning her eyes up at the ceiling and shaking her head. “I thought I needed the party. That I wasn’t ready to settle down and play the housewife. I thought that somehow this life Henry was offering would hold me back.” Wanda breathes in deep just to blow it out, that same sad smile at her mouth. “So he left. Packed his bags and took that job. He left me behind just like I forced him to.”

“Wanda, I—”

“Don’t.” She waves me off. “It was damn near half a century ago. I made my bed.”

“But I had no idea.”

“Because you didn’t need to then, but you do now. Do you know why?”

I shake my head. “Why?”

“Because,” she says. “Eight months after Henry left, I found myself miserable. I missed him so terribly that I could barely get out of bed in the morning. It took meeightwhole months torealize that I had made the worst mistake of my life, and that I didn’t want to keep chasing the parties. I wanted Henry.”

“So what happened?”

“Tracked him down.” She nods. “Yes, I did. I flew all the way to San Francisco with this grand plan to win him back. I was determined to do whatever it took. Grovel, beg... anything.”

“But?”

The pain in Wanda’s expression is palpable, and it’s astounding that it could still be so fresh for her, even after all this time.

“But he’d moved on,” she tells me softly. “He’d married this pretty little thing who was a receptionist at the place he worked. I saw them on one of the job sites I’d run off to trying to find him. She was handing him a sack lunch in a white dress, and they looked... they looked sohappy. I couldn’t even bring myself to confront him. I turned around and went right home.” She looks me in the eyes then, pointedly, like this is the most important part that she wants me to grasp. “And Ineverfelt anything close to what I felt for Henry. Not for the rest of my life.”

“Wanda, I’m—I’m so sorry. I always thought you loved your life.”

She blows out a breath. “I make do. I have fun, I do. And I have you now, and that’s been enough for me. But I see you sitting there, making the same mistakes, and I can’t sit by and watch my life play out all over again with you. Trust me, Cassie. You don’t want to see Aiden someday with his pretty blonde in a white dress. You don’t forget pain like that. You don’t ever forget loving someone that could have been yours if you hadn’t pushed them away.”

I look down in my lap, trying to think of a response. I feel horrible for having spent so much time with Wanda without having any idea about this part of her past; why hadn’t she ever told me about this before now? Maybe if I’d known this story, maybe I’d have been less likely to...

No.

I can’t sit here and try to blame someone else for my choices.I’mthe one who said those things to Aiden, and I’m the one who made the decision for us both that he was better off without me. I could have talked to him, and we could have tried to find a solution together, but I robbed him of that option when I lied to him and told him I didn’t want him. I have no one to blame but myself for the hell I’ve been through these last few weeks. Is this what the rest of my life will look like? Will I always regret what could have been between us?

I already know the answer to that. I know it because even before I ever knew Aiden’s name, before I knew what he looked like or where he came from or about his smiles and his kisses and everything else—I missed him. I missed him for a year when I knew nothing. I know that I will miss himforevernow that I know so much.

“God,” I mutter, hanging my head. “I fucked up.”

“Mm-hmm,” Wanda agrees. “But you still have time to fix it. You can go and apologize. Tell that man you love him and that you’re a complete idiot.”

“Just like that, huh,” I chuckle, peeking up at her.

Wanda bobs her head. “Easy peasy.” She looks at the wall clock, checking the time before she rises from her chair. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get ready.”

“Bingo?”

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