Page 25 of The Cabin

And I hate to be that person, because ew, but the view is totally worth it. Maybe I’ve just been staring at the four walls of my cabin for too long, but it really is beautiful. There are trails up the mountain, like the one I took today, that lead to different overlooks where you can see the entire valley below. I had desperately needed to get outside and as far away from any drawing utensil as possible. This turned out to be just the thing I needed. Although, to be honest, I could’ve definitely gone without the hiking, sweating, and bug swatting, but sitting up here with my thoughts somehow feels easier than trying to meditate back down below.

I feel like I can breathe a little easier up here, like I can think more clearly. There’s less pressure. I put a lot of pressure on my cabin to solve all my problems.

I like being in nature. Just in more of a glamping kind of way. Not to be bougie, but because I am the worst at being uncomfortable. That’s what this trip has been. Uncomfortable. Out of my comfort zone. It’s what I had wanted when I decided to come stay, but saying and doing are two different things. I’ve survived more than one whole week, though, which is a pretty huge feat for a millennial. Especially one who has been using doom scrolling as another one of her coping mechanisms.

It has heated up a bit since I got here, and I am happy that I hiked far enough up to be able to see the sun. It’s always filtered through the leaves in the trees by the creek and I’m enjoying getting to see open, blue sky again.

The creek across from my cabin actually leads into the river that carves out the valley under me, and I’ve just been watching the water flow, now moving quickly from recent rain (that was a fun day, I think I started counting floor boards out of sheer desperation), listening to the birds call to one another, and letting my mind drift. If anything, at least I can say my head has been pulled out of my ass. I feel like that’s a good step. I see things around me. I notice people. I feel real emotions. Anger, frustration, lust, joy, boredom. I haven’t felt real emotions, been anything but numb, for years. Even before the divorce I had gone numb just so I didn’t have to face how bland and sad my ‘happy ever after’ was. I say Joanna would be proud of these discoveries, but truth is, she’d probably be proud with quite literally anything I did because I have not opened up one single bit in all the time I’ve been seeing her. I can only imagine the look on her face when I finally tell her a real thought I’ve had.

Even though the night at the bar comes with a sharp pang of anger (sadness?) now, it feels monumental. Not only did I let go of my insecurities long enough to dance by myself in front of a bar full of people, but I was also brave enough (thank you tequila) to flirt! Sure, I didn’t do a whole lot of talking, but I haven’t touched someone or been touched in eons. I’ve never just gone up to a hot girl and let her take me onto the dance floor. I’ve never twirled around, free as a bird, singing at the top of my lungs. I’ve never even done that alone as an adult, let alone in public. And that totally feels like progress.

If you called my parents and told them about the night at the bar they would literally laugh you off the phone. My mom would cackle a, ‘No me jodas,’ and my dad would laugh, chuckling something like, ‘That doesn’t sound like Sol.’ Honestly, I don’t even really have any friends you could check with. I used to have friends. Kind of. I’m friendly with some of my colleagues. But anyone I was even remotely close with I’ve lost since marrying Brian and the aftermath of my marriage’s freefall back to Earth with no parachute. I all but disappeared off the side of the planet. I didn’t want to talk, to hang out, to be cheered up, anything. I was too embarrassed. I was convinced that if they found out the real reason Brian and I got a divorce that they would judge me. Make assumptions why he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. Think less of me.

I wasn’t even the one to ask for a divorce. It is the thing I feel the most shame about. From maybe my whole life. I wasn’t even going to fucking leave him. I was going to try to, ‘work through things.’ It makes me sick to my stomach even to this day. I am forever indebted to the universe, because the fact that his secretary wanted him to leave me is one of the best things that could’ve ever happened. Thank God she threw a hissy fit and forced him to call the lawyers. Who knows where I’d be now…

The sky is changing to a glowing, hot pink in front of me. There are oranges and purples mixed in and watching as the sunset evolves makes me feel larger than life. Like I’m a part of something bigger than living, getting married, getting divorced, and dying alone. Like there is more to life than working and sitting in an apartment drinking wine until you’re tired enough to sleep. I may have bags upon bags of baggage, but I feel awake for the first time in a long time. And I think that means something. Although, I’m not sure this awakening can be one hundred percent credited to coloring and tequila. I’m humble (stupid) enough to admit there’s been an entirely different source that has gotten me fired up, feeling feelings, and sticking up for myself.

Chapter 10

The construction noises become less and less frequent as the first full week blends into the second. I mean, honestly, what else could he possibly be doing that he hasn’t done already? His truck comes and goes throughout the day. I can see it from my camp chair in the creek when I’m reading my book and I barely feel anything when it happens anymore. Ha, yeah, okay.

I have tried to figure out why he (we all know who ‘he’ is) has affected me so much in such a short amount of time, but I haven’t come up with anything substantial. The only thing I’d maybe consider is the fact that it’s the first time I’ve felt any sort of attraction since the divorce. I am so sick of saying, ‘since the divorce.’ Like my life begins and ends with Brian.

Except…I haven’t been obsessively thinking about Jade and she’s the first person I touched intimately, so…(I use that term loosely, we barely even touched. But for me, it was a Big Deal.)

On one of my morning walks, I noticed my car had finally been towed. Well, either that or one of the serial killers I’ve come to know so well stole it and went to go stalk other people in some other woods. Kinda rude. What ever happened to fidelity? Feels like what we had wasn’t that special, ya know? Apparently our ‘break’ is permanent. Deja vu.

I guess I won’t be hitching a ride with the tow truck after all.

I haven’t heard anything about my car’s status, although I’m not really sure how the hell they’d contact me anyway. I’m also about to officially pass my two-week staycation deadline, but I find I’m not that worried about either of those things. This has slowly been turning into a different kind of peace than when I’m sitting at home wallowing. Sure, my apartment is technically peaceful with literally nothing happening except wine drinking and dead silence, but I don’tfeelpeaceful there. I feel sad and lonely and stupid and numb.

Here, I’m beginning to finally feel…calm. Not numb, but safe to feel and to listen to myself and to get a sense of what I want, what I’m truly like. I have been extremely bored. But I’m starting to adjust to the one on one time I’m getting with the stuff going on in my head. I am discovering new things about myself everyday by just pausing to listen instead of shoving away until all my thoughts bottle up and cause a spiral.

I’m learning that I like to read, that I’m attracted to confidence and want to rebuild my own. I’m realizing I have way more feistiness than I’ve given myself credit for and I wanna show it to the world. I’m finding I actually really like teaching, but I need to make an effort to grow my support system there. That I want to break the lease on my apartment and move closer to a river or lake or pond. I want to call my old friends and tell them I appreciate them even though I never showed it. I think I want to start new hobbies. Dancing, or horseback riding, or cooking. I’m interested in maybe dating. I don’t think I’d want anything serious, I’m not ready. But I’d like to cultivate these newfound desires. I’d like to flirt and talk about life and touch and find out what traits I’m looking for, what warning signs I need to watch out for. I need to do some practice rounds before I get back in the ring fully.

There’s only one issue in my little haven here that’s starting to become a very big problem. I have exclusively been sponge bathing off a rainwater spigot for a week and a half. I am approaching disgusting. I mean, I’m doing the best I can, but still. So, I am unfortunately up at the crack of dawn, in hiking boots, ‘ready’ to walk down the mountain and to the YMCA. It is going to take hours and I haven’t really figured out what I’m going to do after. I mean, what’s the point in showering if you have to hike for five hours afterwards? I’m hoping I can stop by Bob’s on the way, check on my car, and ask for a ride. Not that I’m particularly keen on asking for a ride, but it’s really my only option.

I am attempting to be mentally strong. To control my fatigue and discomfort and keep it in a box in some far-off corner of my brain. I am unsuccessful and I have barely started. I’m just past the point of my usual walking route and my body has decided that we’re done now. Not really how that works. So I push forward, wishing I at least had music to listen to or something. Maybe an inspirational podcast. My plan had been to at least charge my phone in my car every once in a while so I could pull up my playlists or beat a level of Tetris, but, sadly, that didn’t quite work out.

The crunch of tires on gravel breaks me out of the battle happening in my brain. I look over my shoulder to see Grayson’s truck. Because,of course,who else would it be? Especially when I am so outrageously gross I can’t even begin to explain. That’s exactly when the universe sends him my way. Why is it that every damn time I’m on a mission trying to get down this mountain, he magically appears?

“Sol?” he queries, brows knit together, as he slows the truck and puts down the passenger side window.

“Hey. You’re up early.” I smile, trying my best to act casual and normal (new one: take a shot every time I say casual or normal) even though I feel itchy and…yeah, star struck. Jade was like a quick high. Grayson is such a slow, warm, burn. He’s always simmering right under my skin. No matter how long it’s been since I’ve seen him. I’ve been getting better at being honest with myself and I can admit I have a crush. These feelings kinda suck, though. Mostly because he kinda sucks.

Okay, I don’t think that’s fair. He’s lost and dealing with something and isn’t the best version of himself right now and that’s okay. But it’s becoming an issue that I’m thinking about him all the time. Most of the sides of him I’ve seen, I really like. Sides that bring out sides of me that I really like. Looking at him now is like getting hit by a bus. Why does he have to be so handsome? Why did he have to show me how fun and kind he is? Why did he have to awaken urges and instincts in me that have been dormant until now? It would’ve been way easier if he had been a turd the whole time.

“Yeah, I needed some things from the town over. What are you doing?”

“Oh, um, just taking a walk, gonna have a picnic.” I say, motioning towards the backpack on my back.

“You need shampoo for a picnic?” He raises a brow. Shit. I look back to see the shampoo I shoved in the side pocket in my rush to get out of the cabin.

“Well, you never know. Hope your travels are safe today!”Oh god, Sol.Could you be any weirder?

“Sol, are you hiking into town to shower at the Y?” I know my face blanks. I can feel the heat on my cheeks. I don’t get the chance to even try to lie before Grayson says, “Get in the truck.” Yeah, no. That’s not happening. I am so, so gross, and I’m very annoyed to find out that over a week was not enough time for him to get rid of the caveman act.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.”

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