Page 40 of No Regrets

“Ultimate black ops, Dawson.” Sam grinned.

“The other team? They’ve been in play a year?” He was damn curious who was on that team.

“Yes.” Sam smiled. “No, I’m not telling you who they are. Not until you say yes. The less people that know, the better.”

Sam stood and held out his hand. Dex rose to shake it.

“Give it some thought. I look forward to hearing from you, Commander.”

DEX HAD FORGOTTEN HOW much he enjoyed fishing with his old man. It had been way too long since they’d been out together. The afternoon went by fast. Both avoided talking about the elephant in the boat. Instead, they shot the shit about the baseball season, Matt’s recruitment tour, and general idle chit-chat. He’d relaxed a little. Getting away, even for a couple of hours, had been a good idea.

The sun was just starting to go down when they headed back to shore, back to reality. Dex was quiet, lost in thought as he busied himself packing up the fishing reels and starting the engine.

“Anything you want to talk about before we get back to shore, son?”

Dex looked out at the ocean, the rolling deep blue waves, highlighted by the orange glow of the setting sun. So calm and peaceful, unlike his mind. As the boat moved closer to land, a thousand thoughts ran through his head. He undertook the toughest of assignments, the most dangerous, and rarely lost any sleep. But these past few weeks had been hell. The brave face he’d been putting on was slipping. He hated feeling this way. In training they were taught to compartmentalize, put things in a box so they couldn’t affect performance or put your team at risk. Thoughts and emotions got people killed. As team leader, he always remained in control and calm, no matter how much pressure he was under, he had to be. That was the way he liked it.

He looked over at his dad then back at the water. Could he admit this? He warred with himself about admitting his imperfections. “For the first time in a long time, I feel out of my depth,” he admitted finally.

“Because of the hearing?”

He dragged his gaze from the ocean to his father. “Yeah, but more Kelly. I miss her so much.”

The sound of the engine and the gentle lapping of the water echoed in the boat before Matt spoke.

“She’s the one person you always turn to, to discuss things like the hearing with.”

“Yeah, I do. It’s not just that though. I didn’t realize just how much she meant to me. I haven’t handled things well. I was so frustrated and angry that she wouldn’t see me. It hurt. God, when we found her...That image haunts me. I’ve seen some shit, but that, the way she didn’t even realize who I was. I’m still struggling to deal with her not letting me in.”

“That’s understandable. But right now, however much it hurts or however angry you are, Kelly is where she needs to be, getting the help she needs. It’s not personal, Dexter, she wouldn’t even see me. There is nothing you can do for her right now. She knows where you are, and when she’s ready she’ll reach out.”

“I hope so. On the one hand I feel like I pushed too hard, trying to see her, badgering Sophie. Then on the other hand, I don’t feel like I’ve done enough.”

“Dex, this is a unique situation. It’s OK not to have all the answers. One day at a time. You will see her. You will speak to her. Don’t be impatient. She reached out, writing that email. She didn’t have to. Clearly, she cares. But there’s no rule book on how to recover from what she’s been through. Everyone does it differently. Perhaps you should stop searching for answers. They’ll come in their own time.”

Dex steered the boat toward the marina. Pops made a lot of sense. Maybe he needed to take a step back, wait and let her come to him.

Deciding to change the subject, he said, “I had coffee at Sunshine Diner with Sam Harrison today.” He watched for his father’s reaction, but Matt gave nothing away.

“The Sam Harrison? How is he?”

“Do you know him personally?”

“Not really. I know his reputation. He came up quite a few years behind me, our paths crossed a few times.”

“He worked for NSA for a while.” Matt raised his eyebrows to that. He probably wasn’t meant to share that information, but this was Pops.

“I can see that. What was he doing on the island?”

“He wanted to meet with me.”

If Pops was surprised, he didn’t show it.

“Look, I’m probably not meant to tell you this as it’s classified, but I need to talk to someone about it. Obviously, I trust you, but are you OK with me talking to you about our conversation?” With his Pops respect for procedure, it was always better to be honest and ask.

Matt smiled. “If it was a conversation in a diner, it can’t be of too much risk to national security, so yes, I’m OK with you sharing it with me.”

“Sam wrote the statement.”

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