Page 106 of Mafie Queen

Will I end up just like him? Does everyone blame me?

I’m the one who should have seen all of this coming. He was so ruthless, so power hungry.I should have seen it. I should have known.If only I would have killed him when he first started forcing me to fight. We both knew I could have taken him after training with Dimitri, but I allowed him to beat me senseless like always

In fact, I remember Dimitri asking me why I didn't fight back, but I couldn’t answer him. Maybe my father brainwashed me too. He certainly made me believe that he was better off alive, and that should speak for itself.

The cold starts to set in around me. I’m only wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of flannel pants.Did I even put on shoes?

One glance down at my feet, I realize I did remember. Whose shoes I took from the front door, I don’t know. My body feels numb as I look down at the ground.

I shrug and keep walking, just one foot in front of the other. That’s what Dr. K says. We have to keep thinking and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I don’t know how long I walk for, but my feet are now making a path on the snow covered ground. It’s still dark out, so I know I haven’t been out here too long. We got to Boris’ around three in the morning. It can’t be later than five if it’s still this dark out.

I see a lamppost in the distance and something tells me to head towards it. I have no idea why, but as I get closer, I see a figure in the distance.A perfect little shadow.

It’s moments like this where I know she’s made for me. I wanted to get lost, stay lost, and let the weight of what my father did slowly consume me until I’m as bitter as he is. Except, I think maybe, all I really needed was to be found.

Evie approaches me steadily, tossing a jacket around my shoulders and a scarf around my neck as I shiver. I bend down for her to reach me and she smiles.

“Hey there, Sunshine.” Her hand cups my face as her thumb moves some of the hair and snow from my cheeks. “You had me worried.”

“H-how long have I been out here?” My voice stutters as I realize how badly I’m shaking.

“A little over an hour. I had to send Havoc out with his drones to find you.”

Her warmth on my cheek radiates light to my body, but I can’t help but fear it’s a light that I don’t deserve.

“You should have just left me,” I say quietly as I let my eyes close.

“Damien.” Evie takes my face with both hands now. “No one blames you, so you can’t blame yourself.”

“Easier said than done, Little Shadow. If only I had figured out what he was doing earlier, or just killed him out of spite years ago, then this never would have happened.”

I open my eyes to see Evie holding back a laugh.

“That’s cute,” she says.

Puzzled, I stand up straight, making her hands fall from my face and feeling ten times colder in a second.

“How is that even remotely cute?”

“Sunshine, your father isn’t the only player here. In fact, he’s not even that significant of one if we really think about it. If you had killed him, then Adrik wouldn’t have had anyone holding him back.”

I think about that for a minute. We know who was manipulating Bryce, and we know all of the areas he failed at that had such a huge success window it was even more surprising he missed. A chuckle bubbles out of me and Evie joins in. We’re unable to contain ourselves.

“He really is an idiot,” I say as I wipe away tears of laughter.

Evie takes my hand and threads our fingers together.

“And you’re not. So don’t go thinking about the what if’s, okay? What does Dr. K always tell us about the past?”

I squeeze her hand and let my thumb rub up and down hers.

“It’s there for a reason, and it’s pointless to focus on what could have been.”

“And what does that mean?” She asks it with a gentleness that forces me to acknowledge out loud that I’m being irrational.

“The past made us who we are today, wishing for it to change is as helpful as staring at a penny and hoping that with no work, it will turn into a million dollars. We can only change ourselves in the present and strive for a better future.”

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