Page 68 of Lost Boy

“She is,” Buck says softly. “And, Cade, it’s okay to walk away for a few minutes if you need to. It’s all right to need time to cool off. But what isn’t all right is shutting everyone out. Okay?”

I am so confused as I stare at him.What the fuck would I need to cool off about?

“Buck, I forgave her for telling her brother and Watson weeks ago. I’m not going to get mad.” I lean back, resting my hands onmy backward hat. “This is fucking weird. You’re acting fucking weird.” I look at my parents. “All of y’all are.”

After a few moments, Haley walks in. Even though it hasn’t even been three months since the last time I saw her, she looks different. More beautiful even. Her face glows, but her eyes are heavy with emotion. An emotion I can’t really place, but I know it isn’t good. Her baggy sweatshirt hangs from her tiny body, and I love that she didn’t dress up but instead just went with something comfortable.

Haley might come from money and a family who cares about their image, but she’s nothing like that. Hell, I swear her wardrobe is basically made up of crewneck sweatshirts, leggings, and hoodies.

“Hi,” she squeaks, holding her hand up in a wave. Her eyes fill with tears when she takes me in.

I can’t stand it. I need to go to her. Breathe in her sweet smell and hold her close to me.

“Hey,” I say.

Standing, I walk over to her. Unable to stop myself, I put my arms around her and pull her against me. It’s like feeling at home after weeks and weeks of feeling lost. But I notice right away that she feels different. And when I pull her closer and her stomach grazes mine, my eyes fly to hers. I stumble back and look at her abdomen.

“Cade,” she whimpers, protectively moving her hands on her belly. “Please, don’t freak out.”

She’s pregnant?

“You’re pregnant?” I blurt out, putting my hands on top of my head. “When did you get pregnant?”

I whip my head toward Buck. “You thought … what? It would be a good idea to have the girl you know I’m fucking stupidly in love with visit me in rehab, just to tell me she’s going to have another motherfucker’s kid?” I can’t breathe, my lungs sting,and jealous rage fills every blood cell pumping through my body. “What the hell, Buck?” I grunt, looking away. “Why torture me like this? What the fuck is the point?! I thought you wanted me to stay sober. Not drive me to the point of wanting to use!”

A million thoughts run through my head. But mostly, one sticks.She’s been pregnant with someone else’s baby the entire time we’ve been writing to each other.

She’s moved on. I know it’s what I wanted. I know it’s why I pushed her away. I thought no way should an angel like her be with a lost motherfucker like me. But, fuck, deep down, I thought she’d be mine one day. Really, truly, wholeheartedly mine. It’s part of the reason I’ve stuck it out in rehab. To be better for her.

She steps closer to me, putting her hands on my sides. “Cade, just listen to me! God, would you just listen?!” she pleads. “I’m not having another man’s baby.”

“I don’t … I don’t understand,” I say, sucking in a breath. Damn near on the edge of a full-blown panic attack. “What are you telling me, Haley?”

“Do you remember that night, um,” she says before stopping and glancing nervously at Buck and my parents, “after that party, the one when Watson and I picked you up while you were walking home?”

When I finally grasp what she’s telling me, my mouth hangs open, and my eyes must be the size of dinner plates. “Are you—” I stop, losing my breath. “Are you telling me it’smybaby?”

Her eyebrows furrow as she looks up at me. “Yes! Who else’s would it be?”

“I just thought …” My voice is strained, and a lump forms in my throat as I look down at my biggest reason for getting me through rehab. Thoughts of her. Imagining being betterforher. That’s what has kept me here. It’s why I’ve tried to trust this process and do what I need to. “I didn’t know if you had movedon. And I don’t have any idea how far along someone would need to be to be showing like … that.” I wave toward her stomach.

“Cade,” she whispers, and I know she’s trying her best to talk candidly, like there aren’t three other people watching us, “even if I wasn’t carrying your baby, I wouldn’t have moved on.” Tears pool in her eyes before running down her cheeks. “I told you that I love you. And I meant it. Istillmean it.” More tears come now even though I know she’s trying her best to be strong. “I’m s-sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I was just …” She pauses, glancing at Buck before her eyes move to mine. Her lashes are soaked with tears. “I was so scared it would put too much stress on you. And that—”

“I’d relapse?” I whisper, barely audible.

She gives me a tiny nod. “It’s not that I don’t believe in you. Because I do. I believe in you with my whole heart, Cade. But a baby … I know it’s a lot.” She sniffles. “And I didn’t—I don’t ever want you to feel trapped with me. Please, please know that. I really just want you to be happy. And healthy. Even if that doesn’t include me and you. All I want is the best for you. I’m so sorry for not telling you,” she sobs. “I just didn’t know what to do.”

“Shh, it’s okay. I promise,” I say, taking her hands in mine. “I’m okay.”

Buck stands, speaking to us both. “I’ve grown really close to Cade. So, I felt a deep responsibility to be here for him when he got this news. To make sure he was all right.” He looks between me and Haley. “But I think, now, you two can have some time to discuss things alone. If you’d like that, Cade.”

I give him a nod, letting him know I would. And seconds later, he’s ushering my parents outside the room.

“Do you hate me?” Her lip trembles.

“What? No!” I say quickly. “To be completely honest … I was way more upset when I thought you were pregnant with anotherman’s baby.” I stop, letting the words really soak in. “Is that crazy?”

“No,” she whispers. “I just … I want you to be okay.”

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