Page 57 of Cluelessly Yours

“I…” I search my mind for the differentiating details of last night or last week or since the moment I started this ill-fated bounce between the two of them. Maybe it’s the hangover or the uncertainty of exactly what the future would hold with either of them or the fact that Noah and I didn’t establish even an inkling of what sleeping together last night would mean, but I come up completely empty. “I don’t know.”

“Well, maybe it’s time to slow down and think about it.”

I frown. “I don’t want to willfully hurt someone, but it feels like I am, and I don’t know how to stop.”

“You aren’t doing it willfully, Sammy. But if you want to stop, you’ve got to look for the answer inside you. There’s a part of you that knows what it wants. It’s time to call it up for a lifeline.”

“Don’t find it, just feel it,” I say, repeating the advice our mom always gave us as teenage girls as we were learning how to navigate the messy world of dating.

Brooke nods. “Exactly.”

I don’t have to find the answer. I just have to feel it, deep inside me, in the part thatknowswhat Sammy Baker, and Sammy Baker alone, wants.

Late Morning, Monday, May 16th

Kendall stretches while her brown Lab, Chanandler Bong, dances beside her with readiness for our run.

Dolly and I, however, have already done our stretching, and after being woken up for an emergency surgery at four this morning, I’m now considering getting a waffle from the Wafels & Dinges truck parked at the entrance of the park instead of engaging in our weekly group exercise.

Truthfully, I’m exhausted. But I’m also amped. It’s this weird combination of feeling tired and wired. My body wants to lie down on the closest park bench and take a nap, but my mind wants to replay last night like some kind of highlight reel.

Fuck. Last night with Sammy was… I can’t even explain it.

It was a culmination of months and months of feelings on my part. A conclusion, if I’m honest, I never thought we’d actually reach.

When I saw her sitting at the bar at Bailey’s, I never imagined I’d end up back at her place. In her bed. Touching her. Kissing her. Exploring her.Making her come.

The sex was explosive. Ten years ago, I would’ve just chalked it up as a night of hot, mind-blowing sex. But I didn’t know my head from my asshole back then.

Bottom line, last night meant something to me. And while I wish I could say it meant something to Sammy too, I’m mostly in the dark about her feelings. She always keeps everything so close to the vest, which I can’t even blame her for. Her life for the last decade has had some serious ups and downs highlighted by a lot of disappointment—courtesy of a shitty ex-husband and the family he left her to take care of all on her own.

And to add insult to injury, I didn’t even get to wake up with her this morning and do something pathetically telling like fawn all over her while I made us breakfast. Instead, I watched Dr. Weller, our lead cardiologist, perform a six-hour triple bypass on a little boy with Kawasaki disease after he came into the emergency department in bad shape.

I couldn’t use or check my phone for the entire morning, and now I’m wondering if she was even truly awake when I told her the reason I left so early.

Shiiit.Does she remember? Or does she think I left in the middle of the night like some kind of dick?

I glance at my watch and see it’s a little after eleven.Surely she’s awake by now.Two seconds later, my phone is out of my pocket, and my fingers slide across the keys as I type out a message.

Me: I can’t remember a better night than last night, Sam. I’m sorry I had to leave so early this morning to go into work.

I hit send, but I also reread it three times, trying to decide whether it’s right. There’s only so much you can convey in a text, you know?

I almost send her a second message, but Chanandler Bong’s impatient whine grabs my attention. I look over at Kendall to find her still stretching. “Be patient, Chan,” she tells her big Lab, scratching the top of his head. “He’ll be here soon.”

“I’m with Bong.” I make a show of dramatically looking at my watch, even though nary a full minute has passed since the last time I looked at it. “Where in the hell is your husband?”

I roll my eyes when Kendall shoots me a glare that suggests I will never, ever know the annoyance she feels.

“Trust me, if I could control his arrival, my life would be a lot different.” She leans over to stretch out her hamstrings. “As it is, my only revenge tactic against his constant tardiness is trying to look as hot as possible so he’ll at least have to worry about other men hitting on me when he’s not here.”

I chuckle. Kendall is a blonde bombshell any guy would be hard-pressed not to notice. But she’s also intimidating. I don’t think half the guys who think about hitting on her even bother with an approach. No doubt her husband Dale knows that.

“Hey, guys!” the man of the hour finally greets, strolling down the path with a coffee cup in hand. “Sorry I’m late.”

“Hey, guys? Hey,guys?” Kendall questions loudly, making me smother a laugh. She’s going to have his balls.

Dale’s eyes dance with amusement. “I mean, hello, beautiful, amazing, brilliant love of my life.”

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