Page 89 of Cluelessly Yours

Children need fathers in their lives; I know this to be true more than anyone else, and there is no way in hell I could allow myself to stand in the way of something this critical. No matter how badly it’s going to hurt.

“Noah, I’m going to go. Let the two of you talk.” They’re the first words I can manage, but they’re the only ones that make sense.

“Sammy, no. Stay. Just give me a minute.”

I shake my head. “Noah, baby, I can’t. You have to face this head on, and you’re not going to do that with me here. We’ll talk later, okay?”

“Sammy—”

I press my lips to his tight and swift, and then I turn on my heel to jog right into a waiting elevator as an older gentleman steps off with two grocery bags in his hand. The doors close on Noah’s sad face, and it’s all I can do not to scream as the cart begins its descent.

For the first time in forever, I finally,finallythought something was going my way. I thought the universe was done smiting me. I thought all the catastrophe had been a poetic lead-up to the trajectory my life needed to get on track.

I thought…I was going to get my happily ever after.

Tears don’t just threaten as I pass the fifth floor, the fourth, and then the third. They fall unchecked down my cheeks like little rivers of devastation, and I can hardly catch a breath.

Why does it feel like I ruin everything?

Why does it have to feel like I’m meant to be alone?

Why does it feel like my life is actually ending?

I don’t look at the front desk manager or the doorman as I speed walk through the lobby of Noah’s building, frantic for the solace of the street. I don’t bother with embarrassment; I’m long past that.

I amshattered.

My shoulders ache with invisible weight, my stomach threatening to lurch cheeseburger and milkshake all over the perfect marble floor.

Shoving through the door before the doorman even has it all the way open, I run straight for the edge of the sidewalk. I’m confused about where I am—naturally, since this is the first time I’ve been to Noah’s apartment and I spent my time on the way here kissing instead of paying attention—and I can’t even make sense of what direction I need to run to go home.

Agitated, I search for a taxi until I find one coming down the other side of the street.

My chest is tight, and the simple task of exchanging carbon dioxide for oxygen feels like I’m trying to compete in an Olympic-level event.

Impatient to flee this scene so I can breathe again, I step off the curb to cross, and a man shouts something from behind me. I don’t even pause. If I don’t get out of here right now—if I don’t catch my breath soon—I’ll die.

Noah

Sammy’s eyes harbor the same kind of wreckage that’s produced when a commercial airliner takes a nose dive into a crowded neighborhood.

And truth be told, I’m feeling just about the same.

As the doors close on the elevator, her face disappearing with them as they do, a vise tightens on my heart. I wanted her to stay. Iaskedher to stay.

But it was a selfish request while another woman stands at my door. A woman whose abdomen is rounded with life and whose lips uttered the words,I’m pregnant.

Of courseSammy chose to go. Who wouldn’t in her situation? A woman from my past, the last woman I actually dated for any extended amount of time, is pregnant.

I’m going to have a kid.

My own son or daughter to upend my life and love like crazy. A little innocent soul to protect and nurture.

Forty-three years of hoping and longing for a life of fatherhood, and I’m finally getting it.

It’s a gift. But I never imagined it would come at the expense of the love of my life.

And holy fucking shit, I don’t want it to.

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