Page 12 of I Was Always Yours

Without warning, Lee shuffles again, only this time he’s getting more comfortable by laying on the sofa, with his head resting on my boob. As his head moves across my nipple, I try to ignore the tingling sensation. He’s not doing anything even remotely sexual, but my body doesn’t know that. When he pulls my arms around him, so we’re cuddled up together, our fingers still interlocked, a strange sense of calm passes over me. It’s like this is how we’re always supposed to be.

I try to push those strange thoughts from my mind. Yes, I do believe in soulmates, but I also think it takes significantly longer to work out who your soulmate is. You can’t tell just based on how relaxed you feel curled up with him on a sofa. But I can’t deny the fact this feels right, like it’s how we’re supposed to end every night for the rest of our lives.

Fuck! I can’t think like this. This isn’t a relationship, and it has an expiration date before it’s even begun. No matter how much I like him, we want different things. He doesn’t want a relationship, and I do. I can be his friends-with-benefits hook up, but at some point, he’s going to want to see other people, fuck other girls. He may even decide he wants to date someone else. Maybe he just said he doesn’t want a relationship, because he knows he doesn’t want one with me. When the right girl comes along, he will walk away, and I’m starting to realise the mess he will leave behind him. My shattered heart will be left in pieces… I just hope I can put it all back together again once it’s done with.

The movie is drawing to a close, and it’s obvious we’re both exhausted. We’ve been taking it in turns to yawn for the last half an hour. He releases my hand to stretch a little, and I try not to look at the way his hard muscles stretch tight beneath his T-shirt. It takes every piece of willpower I have not to look at the patch of skin that emerges between the bottom of the shirt, and the top of his jeans. Fuck it, I look, and I’m not ashamed of looking. He’s got one of those deeply defined V’s that most men crave, and women go crazy over. He also has that little happy trail that makes women lose their minds, and I have to admit, I can feel myself drooling ever so slightly.

As Lee casts his crystal blue eyes over to meet mine, I’m suddenly not feeling all that tired. The way his gaze rakes over my body, I suddenly feel very exposed. His lip creeps up at one side as his eyes darken with lust, clearly happy with what he sees. A blush creeps across my cheeks, and I know he caught me checking him out, and so he was only too happy to return the favour.

I don’t know how he’s capable of making me feel so incredibly sexy with just one glance. Yet, that’s exactly what he does. My core heats and my skin begins to tingle all over, anticipation building as I wonder where this will go. It may have started as an innocent glance, but it doesn’t feel so innocent any more.

Lee shuffles slightly until we’re facing each other, our knees touching. He reaches out with his hand to swipe a stray lock of purple hair away from my eyes, tucking it behind my ear. As he does this, his fingertips lightly sweep across my skin, and it feels like he leaves a trail of fire behind his touch. Instead of dropping his hand, he gently cups my cheek, rubbing the pad of his thumb over my sensitive skin.

I bite my lip to hold back the moan that’s trying to escape, but that doesn’t stop me from leaning into his touch. It’s such a chaste move, but I feel it deep within my core, and I feel myself leaning in without even thinking about it.

Lee must have done the same because before we know it, our mouths are so close I can feel the warmth of his breath fanning across my face. Using the thumb that was sweeping across my cheek, he reaches up to my lip and gently pulls my lower lip free from where I was biting it before running the pad along my lip. A shudder runs through me as my heart starts to race.

As soon as he drops his hand, I lean forward and press my lips against him. Soft, warm, and incredibly inviting, from the first moment our lips touch, I can’t hold back. I try to take things slowly, but it’s like my body is already becoming addicted to his taste, and I can’t get enough.

Thankfully, Lee has no problems deepening the kiss, and our lips crash together harder and more frantic than before. As soon as he requests access to my mouth with his tongue, I don’t even think about hesitating, I open for him.

As his tongue explores my mouth, and I savour every bit of his taste, the need to have him closer consumes me. My fingers rake through his hair, gripping tightly enough to cause him to hiss into my mouth. But it doesn’t seem to bother him. If anything, it spurs him on as his hands that were resting gently on my hips begin to move.

Lee’s hands explore my body, sweeping underneath the hem of my T-shirt to make contact with my skin. Everywhere he touches feels electric, and my skin prickles from his touch. He starts off just exploring my lower back, before moving higher and grazing the underside of my boob, along the bottom of my bra.

My nipples harden with anticipation, hoping he’s going to explore underneath my bra, but he doesn’t. Instead, his hand trickles across my stomach, causing shivers of pleasure to ripple across my abdomen, and I can’t hold back the moan that spills into his mouth.

Each touch has me more excited, and our mouths continue to crash against each other until we have to pull away, desperately gasping for breath. I drop my hands from his hair so he can move back slightly, his chest heaving as he tries to pull in the oxygen he needs. I’m panting just as heavily, but he doesn’t move his hands from my body, and they feel hot against my back.

A mischievous smile spreads across his lips, as his stunning, crystal blue eyes sparkle at me. “I know we said this would be a friends-with-benefits type situation, but that doesn’t mean we have to go all the way tonight. We can take things slow, if you like?”

I give him a small smile, grateful for his words. I’m not sure if he’s saying it because he wants us to go slow, or because he thinks that's what I want. Is it what I want?

Fuck, I have no idea what I want. If this thing between us had the potential to be a relationship, then I probably would want to take things slow. I’ve had too many bad fucking experiences where I’ve slept with people too early on, and it’s never gone anywhere. My mum always used to say if you give them freebie snacks the moment they arrive, they are going to fill up on those, and they’ll never order from the menu. I hate the analogy, but she’s probably right. Fuck, I hate saying that, but it’s true. My mum is right a lot more times than I would like to admit.

But with this situation, it’s different. Lee has made it clear, no matter how much I may want it, this will never be a long-term thing. He doesn’t do relationships, and even if he suddenly decides he does want one, it won’t be with me. I don’t really know how the fuck I should take that. Most people would tell me to walk away, and in fact, that’s exactly what my friends have told me to do. But I can’t. There’s something drawing me to Lee, something telling me that even when he’s trying to push me away, I need to hold on.

I guess that’s what makes this decision so hard. If all we’re ever going to be is friends-with-benefits, then we might as well get to the benefits part sooner rather than later. Hell, it may be that we don’t connect in the bedroom. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had high hopes for a guy, only to be let down drastically when the clothes come off.

Fuck it. I’m gonna have my cake and eat it too, since the cake supply could stop at any moment. I just need to check if Lee’s on the same page or not. “Is that what you want? To take things slow?”

My breath hitches as I wait for him to respond, while I try to ignore the way his fingers are drawing circles against the skin on my lower back. I want to reach out to touch him the way he is me, but my hands are frozen on my lap. Just waiting for his response.

“I don’t know,” he replies, barely above a whisper, and a short sharp laugh escapes my lips.

“Well, that doesn’t help me much,” I mumble, trying to hide how disappointed I am. It’s fucking typical. I decide to throw my carefully crafted rulebook out the window, breaking all the rules, so I can fuck him on the second date, only for him not to feel the same. I mean, he’s already gutted me by saying we can never be anything more, the least he could do is act like he wants to fuck me.

Is it too much to ask to find a guy who is so fucking attracted to me he can’t contain himself, he’s desperate to rip my clothes off and throw me onto the bed? Who the fuck am I kidding, things like that don’t happen to girls like me. I’m far too curvy for anyone to be throwing around. I don’t even want to see myself naked, so why should a guy as hot as Lee.

I can feel my body physically deflating with each negative thought that floods into my head. I thought I’d been able to chase them away, to push them down for the night so I could enjoy my time with Lee. I should have known my demons weren’t too far away. They never fucking are!

Lee must notice the way my face falls, my eyes dropping to look at the way my fingers are picking at the skin around my fingernails, my whole body deflating. He removes one of his hands from my back, and brings it around so that his thumb and finger are holding my chin. He tilts my head up until my gaze is locked with his blue eyes. I’m taken aback at first as the normally glistening blue is darker, his eyes hooded with what looks to be lust.

“Hey… don’t look away from me. I’m saying that I don’t know if we should take things slow because I want to do this right with you. I know we’re not gonna have a relationship, but I’d still like for us to be friends. To me, that’s the most important thing. I don’t connect with people very often, but with you, talking is easy. We have a laugh together and you just get me. I don’t want to mess the start of a good friendship up by rushing into something. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex with you right now. You really do have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?”

His words shoot straight to my heart. When he asks if I know how beautiful I am, I can’t help but look away. He’s right, I don’t think I’m pretty. But the way he says it, with such conviction, I can feel my resolve wavering. My heart races as I think about how sure he sounds. He really does want to fuck me, he’s just unsure about messing up the start of our friendship. It almost sounds unbelievable, but I can hear it in his voice. I may not have known this guy for long, but I’m certain he’s telling the truth.

Shaking my head, I confess something I’ve never admitted aloud before. “You’re right. I don’t think I’m beautiful. I think that’s the reason I’m not in a real relationship. Guys are happy to be my friend, or have the odd fuck, but it never leads to more. In fact, most of the guys I fucked in the past, they either preferred I just blow them, or they wanted doggy, most likely because they didn’t have to see my naked body. So, I get it, Lee. You don’t have to try being nice to me.”

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