Page 19 of Stupid Dirty

Wish nods, giving me an indecipherable smirk before wandering back into the crowd. I know I could follow her, but there’s a five-foot bubble of emptiness around me right now and it feels like a relief. I’m going to take advantage of the peace and quiet, leaning against the wall and letting my gaze trail over the room.

They all move around so smoothly, leaving one small group to join another without causing so much as a ripple of friction in the air. I guess that’s what happens when you hang out with the same group of people for your entire lives. These would be my friends if I hadn’t left, I guess.

Not that we were friends before I left.

Dad had a general ban on anything that didn’t involve training. He also specifically warned me against partying, although his warnings were always vague and stiff, but in that tone that told me follow-up questions would not be tolerated.

“Your mother was quite the party animal when I met her, Silas. You take after her too much already. Stay away from all that, or it’ll sink its claws into you and you’ll end up just like her. And stay away from pit bunnies, or you’ll end up just like me. Riding is what matters. Winning. Getting out of this shithole.”

I snuck out once. Only once. I was sixteen, staring down the barrel of a long, lonely career on the road, and I wanted my chance at a normal high school experience before we left.

It didn’t take long to learn there was a reason I was never invited to those parties.

A bunch of people were having a bonfire out in the woods. I figured it would be open enough that I could sneak in without drawing too much attention to myself. By the time Dad waspassed out enough for me to slip out of the house unnoticed, and then get to the party on foot, it was late.

I expected everyone there to be shit-faced by then. I was not expecting everyone to be sucking face. My naivete crashed into me like a tsunami and I nearly choked on embarrassment as I wandered around people who were almost entirely coupled off, trying to decide whether it was more obvious to turn around and go straight home, or pretend like I had been here the whole time. There were still a few people drinking and having quiet conversations around the fire. Maybe it wasn’t too late to have at least one normal human interaction before I abandoned my life for good.

After I helped myself to a lukewarm beer I found lodged in the dirt, I looked around for anyone that seemed approachable. Instead, I saw Cade. He had a girl wrapped around him who I vaguely recognized from my AP American History class, but couldn’t name in that moment. She was giggling and whispering something in his ear while he traced his fingertip down the line of her jaw.

They were both cast in flickers of orange and black by the bonfire in front of them. Every movement was slow and syrupy sweet, and I was totally entranced by the gentle way that Cade was touching her. I saw him ride every week; I knew the level of fierce intensity and passion that he had in him. I wouldn’t have thought he also contained this kind of softness, too.

At the same time, I’d noticed a bruise around his eye, dark and sallow-looking. I wondered who had put it there, and how anyone could hurt someone as charismatic as Cade. Everyone always wanted to be closer to him. Even me, and he never spoke to me.

That was as far as I got before he noticed me looking. Cold, steel-gray eyes took me in, tension hanging between us for a long time before he finally broke it.

“This isn’t a peep show, Rush. If you want to get your rocks off, I’m sure your dad has plenty of hookers on speed-dial.” There was enough slur to his words to tell me was half-wasted, and when the girl in his lap giggled at his comment, he gave her a sloppy smile in response.

For whatever reason, the sight of it made loneliness grip my heart and squeeze so tightly I thought it might burst. Tighter than it had in years. The feeling kept me frozen in place, staring at Cade like I had something—anything—to say in response.

But I didn’t. The only noise inside my head was the white noise of panic and fear. I tried to pull myself together enough to leave, but it was too slow for normal people, apparently.

“What the fuck are you still standing there for? Fucking go. Get out of my face.” Cade didn’t move from his spot by the fire, but there was an edge of threat to his voice that made my feet finally pick up and move. I turned around and stepped away, but I wasn’t far enough away to miss the conversation they had as I left.

“What’s wrong with that kid, anyway?” Cade’s girl asked, also slurring and still giggling through her words.

“I don’t know. He’s always like that. Why do you think we don’t invite him? He’s fucking weird. His mom must have dropped him on his head as a baby or something.” Cade’s tone was light. He was joking around with her, and I’m sure the memory of the confrontation was already fading from his mind.

That didn’t stop his words from cutting through me like a hot knife through butter. I made it fifty feet into the woods before I kneeled down in the leaf litter and puked.

It wasn’t fair. That’s all I could think, the whole way home. Other kids got to have parties and make-out sessions and tease each other. I got to have a prison-guard instead of a father, and a trauma hair-trigger that wouldn’t let me ignore a stupid joke.

My stomach clenches at the memory. It takes some effort, but I drag my mind out of the past and back to the present. Wish’s party, where I am very welcome. Watching Cade laugh, and not make out with anyone, secure in the knowledge that he won’t tell me to fuck off at any point. The rest of the memory will continue to fade until it feels like a bad dream, as long as I let it.

I blink until the world comes fully into focus and swallow past the lump in my throat. It’s all just a memory. It doesn’t mean anything now. Move past it.

When I see someone wander close to where I’m leaning, I take advantage of the moment to say hello. I’ve been wallowing in my isolation for long enough.

Chapter Nine

It’s nice to catch up with people and be in charge of fuck-all for once. I’m pretty relaxed. But I’m keeping a close eye on Silas all the same, which is why I clock the moment his social battery hits the red zone.

Watching him tonight has been a series of contradictions. Honestly, I’m starting to feel like I want to put this guy under glass and study him like a bug.

When we were on our way, he was like a little kid being forced to eat his vegetables. And I could tell he was genuinely nervous. I left him alone to see how he would do, and a part of me was convinced he would have some sort of meltdown. But he didn’t.

Instead, it was like a switch got flipped.

He was still Silas. Strong, quiet, serious Silas. But he acted like a normal person. He shook people’s hands and smiled and moved around the room like he wanted to be there. He made conversation and never once looked like he was about to panic or dissolve into the wallpaper.

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