Page 29 of Stupid Dirty

Everything in my life has changed so dramatically, it feels like tectonic plates shifting beneath my feet. No matter how still and quiet I stand, all the other pieces of me are getting sucked down and shifted with the rest of it, whether that’s a good or a bad thing. Whether I want it to change or not.

I have no idea if the fact that I’m constantly horny now is a good thing or not. But it is annoying. If this is how most people feel all the time, then I have no idea how Cade managed to give up hook-ups as a conscious choice.

It’s not like it could have been hard for him to get girls’ attention. He was always popular in high school, and since then he’s only gotten more attractive. The sharp edges of his face pair well with his pouty lips, and his hair is just curly enough that it constantly looks messy. Like he just got out of bed and doesn’t own a brush. It’s infuriating, and the neat, orderly part of my personality is always itching to run my fingers through it to tame it.

And those tattoos. Fuck. I’d never cared about tattoos before, but something about the intricate tendrils of black creeping over every dip and curve of muscle is breathtaking. I can see now why people consider them a work of art. Girls must go crazy for them, wanting to trace every inch, study all the intricacies of where his muscles have been made to look like a machine. How they travel down his back and then sweep over his lats like wings, almost inviting someone to grab on.

Heat prickles in my neck and my groin, and when my pants start to feel uncomfortably tight, I realize that even the thought of Cade’s hypothetical anonymous hook-ups is turning me on. If constant humiliation is what a high sex drive buys you, I’ll pass. I can’t stop myself from blushing at the realization, and it fucking sucks.

This extra embarrassment means my answer to Cade’s question comes out even more flustered than it would have, anyway.

“I don’t know, man. I wouldn’t know where to start. I don’t… I’ve never…”

I rub the back of my neck, avoiding Cade’s eyes and trying to will my face to return to its normal color.

Staring at the floor doesn’t stop me from noticing Cade watch me though, and I can see him trying to pull the subtext out of my babble. I can’t decide if I want him to figure it out on his own so I don’t have to say the words out loud and we can be done with this humiliating conversation, or if I want him to stay clueless so we can stop talking about it and never talk about it again.

Of course, Cade is like a dog with a bone once he gets an idea. The fact that we’re friends is proof of that.

“You’ve never dated? It’s not a big deal, Silas. I can help, if that’s what you want.”

He’s so earnest it makes my heart crumble a little.

Taking a deep breath, I decide I might as well tell him. It’s not like he isn’t already aware that I’m a freak.

“I’ve never done any of it.”

“Oh.” Cade’s eyes go comically wide. “Oh.You’re a virgin?”

This is mortifying. Groaning, I shove my face in between my knees so I don’t have to watch him stare at me wide-eyed anymore.

“Any of it, Cade. Dating, sex. I’ve kissed like… two girls in my entire life. Do you remember seeing me at any parties back in school? Because it didn’t get any better when dad made me drop out to go on the road with him. Not a lot of girls want to come back to a shitty motel room you share with your drunk, snoring father.”

My voice is muffled by how deeply I’ve curled into my own body, but even though I can’t see Cade, I can feel him movingcloser to me. I’m always aware of where he is. As if his presence is too big for my body not to notice.

Strong arms wrap around my shoulders, and then Cade is pressing his forehead into the back of my neck, which is probably the only piece of me he can get to. His chest is against my back, warm and solid, and I’m surrounded by the familiarCadesmell of wood smoke and pine trees that shouldn’t be comforting, but is.

The tension slips from my body in a way that I could really get used to.

Cade is like a puppy, all boundless energy and wanting to be in your space. It was weird going from never touching anyone to having him constantly around. He’s such a tactile person. Grabbing my arm, tapping me on the shoulder, hugging me, high-fiving me, tugging on my sleeve to get my attention like a toddler, poking at my face when he’s bored, also like a hyperactive toddler. It doesn’t matter. It took me a minute to adjust to it after a lifetime of nothing more than the occasional handshake, but I’m here for all of it.

It’s more Cade, at the end of it all. I’ll take what I can get.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I’m an insensitive asshole.”

He’s still hugging me as he speaks, so the words are mumbled into the back of my neck. I can feel his lips brush against my skin and even though his breath is warm, it leaves goosebumps in its wake.

Pulling my face out of the knee-cave, I turn to look at him, folding my arms so I can rest my head on them and still stay hunched in on myself. Cade leans back enough to meet my gaze, but keeps his arms around me. He’s sitting with his long legs stretched out on either side of me and I have to resist the urge to turn around, burrow into his chest and never come out.

Nothing has ever felt as solid or safe as the arms of this guy I barely know, but I’m not going to question it. It’s a fucking gift.

“Nah, I’m sorry. I’m just being melodramatic. It’s embarrassing, but it’s not the end of the world.”

Cade frowns. “You’re like the least melodramatic person I’ve ever met. You’re allowed to have a fucking feeling. I was-”

“It’s fine.” I cut him off, because I can sense him ramping up for a rant, and I don’t think I have the energy for it right now. He still looks concerned, so I try to sell it with a smile.

“Fine,” he says begrudgingly. Which means a lecture about being honest about my feelings or whatever is being filed away for me for later. For a few seconds, Cade squeezes me so tightly I can’t breathe, then he presses a noisy kiss to the side of my head, ruffles my hair the way I hate, and stands up, offering me a hand to do the same.

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