Page 34 of Stupid Dirty

There’s no way for Cassidy to get how fucking cool that truck is, even though she gets to ride in it, probably flirting with him on the way back. Maybe they’ll fool around in the truck once they get to her place.

Maybe they’ll fuck in the back seat, and then Silas will always associate it with losing his virginity instead of getting a piece of hard-won freedom from his shitty dad.

Whatever. It shouldn’t matter to me.

This is supposed to be exactly what I wanted.

Leaning my head against the window, I close my eyes and let the cool glass soothe my throbbing head as Wish pulls out of the parking lot. I don’t want to watch Silas drive away.

I don’t want to think about this anymore.

And God bless that woman, but Wish says nothing the entire drive home. She just puts a soft hand on my knee and leaves it there, like an anchor.

At least I can take comfort in that. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me right now.

Maybe the rest of my jumbled thoughts will sort themselves out in the morning when I’m sober.

Chapter Fourteen

Ihope it’s not too early to be here. I’m sure Cade is nursing a killer hangover after last night, and he’ll want to sleep in, but I spent the entire morning pacing around my house until my (also hungover) father yelled at me to get out before he duct-taped me to an armchair. I couldn’t wait any longer.

The cold air wraps around me as I step out of the truck, and I nestle deeper into my Carhartt. It really feels like winter now. The light is thin and blue-tinged; the earth is hard-packed under my feet and there’s almost an inch of snow covering all the old, rusted-out farm equipment that lies abandoned around the trailer.

It would almost be peaceful if there wasn’t something slick and oily swirling in my chest, dragging me down.

Things are not right between me and Cade.

At first, I thought my possessiveness and neediness towards him was because he was my only friend. Or some sort of pathetic kicked puppy-syndrome—offer me a family and I’ll follow you around with heart eyes for the rest of my life.

The idea of Cade was wrapped up in everything else that was changing: getting distance from my dad, getting a real life, spending time with a real family, no matter how fucked up they might be. It made sense that I would feel intense about all of it.

But after the road my brain took me down during my jerk-off session the other day, I think my weird feelings are also about Cade, specifically.

For someone who’s never been super interested in sex, my entire fucking body lit up like a Christmas tree when I started picturing him finger-fucking himself and jerking off. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that crosses the boundary of being just good bros.

Last night only confirmed that I need to sack up and talk to him about it.

Cassidy was great. I’d walked into that bar with one foot in a panic attack, but once I started talking to her, things got easier. She was sweet and funny, and didn’t make conversations into the insurmountable challenge that most people do. I should have wanted to keep talking to her all night.

But the only person I wanted to be with was Cade.

I told myself I was watching him out of the corner of my eye because he seemed to be in a funk, and I was concerned. Then it was because I saw him getting pretty sloshed. But the truth is, I would have been watching him, anyway.

Even once I knew he was safe with Wish taking him home, I was still thinking about him. Cassidy wanted me to kiss her in the truck, but it didn’t matter that she was beautiful and kind and I could talk to her. The idea of it left me cold.

I don’t know what any of this means.

I don’t know if it had been Cade trying to kiss me in the cab of my truck, I would have wanted it any more than I did with Cassidy. Maybe I don’t want to hook up with anyone, and the jerk-off fantasy was just wires getting crossed.

Shaking the thought out of my head, I pull into the circle of flattened grass in front of the trailer that passes for a driveway, parking my truck off to the side and hopping out. Cade’s rig and bike are here, so he’s still home, at least. And his mom’s beat up old SUV is sitting under the old awning, like usual.

But there’s also a car I don’t recognize, and it isn’t snow-covered like the others. A Supra that was probably a thing of beauty in the nineties, but is currently so rust-eaten and weather-damaged I’m surprised it even survived the drive up the long, rocky driveway.

That’s the only thing I have time to think before I hear the noise coming from the house.

At first, it sounds like indistinct yelling. But Cade says he and his mom can get into the occasional shouting match and they never go too far, so I’m not that worried.

Then I hear a crash, and I cover the remaining twenty-five-ish feet to the house at a sprint.

---