Page 66 of Stupid Dirty

Maybe I am overstepping by being here. Uncertainty sinks its claws into my chest and refuses to let go. But Cade asked me. Maddi needs me, too. I thought I was becoming part of theirfamily, but this stranger’s stare is making me feel like I’m the outsider here, not her.

“And you are?”

“Silas,” I croak, my voice rough with disuse after all this quiet. “Silas Rush.”

She jots something down on her clipboard. Her tone isn’t accusatory or suspicious, but I’m very aware that I’m being studied. Maddi hasn’t moved, comfortable where she is, although she’s glaring up at the social worker from where she lies against my shoulder.

She’s made it very clear where her allegiance lies.

“And what’s your relationship to the family?” Her pen is poised in the air like a weapon.

“I’m, uh..” Every word in the English language chooses that moment to fall out of my head. And because I’m hesitating over what should be a simple question, whatever I end up saying is going to look like a lie.

Time seems to stretch out infinitely before me while I continue not answering and Rosemary becomes justifiably confused by my silence.

“He’s my fucking boyfriend, okay?” Cade’s voice is like a whip crack through the tension. “He stays with us half the time, and he’s here because he’s part of the fucking family. But I work here, so I’d rather you didn’t spread my personal shit all over this hospital. If you want to interview me, let’s get it over with. The girls will be safe with Silas.”

It goes unsaid that he doesn’t consider them safe with their mother. Cade heads for the door without waiting for an answer, anger and tension obvious in every movement he makes.

Rosemary, at least, seems to get it. Once the pieces fall into place, she gives me an understanding nod and a smile that isn’t forced. A few more scribbles go into her clipboard, and when shespeaks to me before leaving, there’s a lot more warmth in her voice than before.

“Of course. Thank you, Silas.”

Following Cade out, I’m left alone with a silent Maddi, a quietly crying Kris, a sleeping Sky, and the fact that Cade just called me his boyfriend for the first time. I have no idea how to feel about any of it. It would have been less confusing if he hadn’t spit the word out in anger, but that might be too much to ask, given the circumstances.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

My interview probably didn’t last more than fifteen minutes, but by the time I’m done, I feel like I ran a marathon. The amount of stress and fear and shame running through me has wrung my body dry.

A report has already been filed with Child Protective Services. At some point in the next forty-eight hours, we’ll have a home inspection and more interviews for what she called a ‘Family Assessment’. Rosemary assured me multiple times that no one is being accused of anything, and CPS doesn’t actually want to take kids away from their homes. They just want to give us extra support if we need it.

Yeah, right. I’ll believe that never. But I can figure out how to deal with that mountain of bullshit tomorrow.

Tonight, I just need to make sure my family is okay.

It feels like everything has spun out of control so quickly. Just walking back into Sky’s room and seeing everyone in one place, more or less in one piece, makes me sag in relief. Silas is still in the chair, holding Maddi in his arms just like I left him. He looksat me as soon as I step inside, and I have to force myself not to run across the room and fling myself into his lap as well.

I just outed us to this entire hospital, and I didn’t even ask him first. He would have every right to be pissed at me. Seeing the way he slid into that role so easily was confusing. He feels like family. Him being here makes me feel like I’m not dealing with this alone.

That’s really fucking scary.

I’ve survived all these years by expecting to be disappointed by everyone. My parents, the cops, social services; all of them. I don’t expect them to help me, so it’s not a let down whenever they fuck up. But Silas is so strong and steady andthere. It makes me want to trust him, and I’m afraid it’s already too late. If he let me down, it would fucking hurt. It could be enough to break me.

I can’t think about that right now, though. I nod at Silas, but don’t let myself reach out for him the way I really want. Leaning against the door frame lets me wrap my arms around myself and maintain the illusion that I can still handle this alone.

Not that I’ve been doing such a bang-up job. Maddi has been so heartbroken ever since I first spoke to her on the phone. She took every ounce of blame, as if a child could be held responsible for another child’s safety, because a whole-ass adult didn’t feel like being awake.

I know I’ve leaned on Maddi’s practical personality to help around the house. She cooks and cleans and helps keep the rest of us focused on our shit. But I thought I’d at least taken the emotional burden of being responsible for us. I didn’t want her to ever have to feel like she was the parent when she’s barely double-digits herself.

That’s exactly what I didn’t want for her, and somehow it happened anyway. I let myself get so wrapped up in Silas anddirt bikes and finally having a job I didn’t hate; I let too much slip through the cracks at home.

That has to change. Which is just another reason I can’t let myself rely on Silas more than I already do. He’s spent his entire life being neglected by his dad. He doesn’t deserve to be neglected by me as well. Even if my sisters need me more.

“I can hear you thinking from here.” Silas keeps his voice a whisper so Maddi doesn’t wake up.

I give him a wan smile in response, trying to pick the right words to explain how I feel.

Hold me. Promise you’ll never leave me. Be my family and let me be yours. I can only breathe because you’re still here.

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