Page 67 of Stupid Dirty

“I’m just tired.” Silas nods and gives me a sympathetic look.

My heart is pounding so hard in my chest, I’m worried he can hear it. If he pushes me, I’ll crack. I know it. I’ll spill my guts out and he’ll see what a disaster-human he’s shackled himself to, and then he really will leave.

I wouldn’t blame him, but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

Anything would feel better than this wild, uncontrollable panic galloping through my chest. I try to force myself to stay calm, but it has the opposite effect. My breathing gets faster and harsher, and the sound of it seems to echo around the small room.

Silas notices, looking at me with a frown. But before he has the chance to ask me what’s wrong, Mom stirs. She’s been huddled in the other armchair, pushed so deep into the corner I almost forgot she was here. As soon as she’s awake and looking at me, I remind myself whose fault this is.

All of my anger from earlier comes rushing back, chasing the anxiety and panic and insecurity from my chest. It feels fucking fantastic. Anger makes my blood rush and my spine straighten. There’s a wild animal inside me, throwing itself against the bars,and I want nothing more than to open the cage door and set it free until I forget I ever knew the meaning of the word fear.

“What did you tell the social worker?” she asks me. The fucking audacity.

My voice is cold when I reply. I don’t want to yell and disturb the girls, so I keep it quiet, but you can practically hear the venom dripping off the words. I want her to be scared, like I was scared. I want her to hurt, like I hurt.

“I told her that this is my fault. If I’d followed my gut and filed for custody the day I turned eighteen, none of this would have happened. Instead, I trusted you when you said you’d change, and this is where it got us.”

I’m quivering with barely contained rage and I can feel the way shock ripples through the room at my words.

Mom isn’t shocked, though. She looks at me dead-eyed. I thought she’d fight back, but she’s more resigned than anything.

“Accidents happen, Cade. I do my best, and you know exactly how much I’ve suffered to protect you kids. Or at least you do whenever you’re not wrapping yourself up in this self-righteous bullshit. They’re my kids, not yours. You use me to feel better about yourself. As if bringing home a paycheck and talking down to me somehow proves you’re nothing like us. Like you’re not just as angry and unpredictable as your father.”

I punch the table, startling everyone in the room with the sound. Only Sky sleeps through it. Maddi and Silas are looking at me with something close to fear in their eyes, while Mom is arching an eyebrow at me like I somehow proved her point.

“Cade, please stop,” Maddi begs, with tears in her eyes.

Sucking in a breath through my nose, I’m able to shove my anger down a little. I love it when it chases away the fear and weakness, but not when it becomes uncontrollable. My stomach clenches with the effort.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe I am just like him. A wave of self-loathing hits me, but I file it away to process later.

Swallowing the lump of rage in my throat, I keep my voice as even as I can.

“Silas, can you please take Kris and Maddi home and stay with them? If Mom wants to prove she’s not a complete liability, she can focus on cleaning every inch of that trailer and herself before CPS shows up for their inspection. Maddi can get some sleep, and she will not be left alone with Mom for one single, solitary second.”

The air still hums with tension, but everyone slowly stands and gets ready to go. Maddi looks exhausted, Mom looks pissed, and Silas is staring at me like he has something to say. Whatever it is, I hope he doesn’t say it. I’m not sure I can handle any kindness right now. I definitely don’t deserve any.

I give Maddi a hug goodbye. Silas hovers awkwardly for a second, but when his hand comes up I flinch, so he drops it. I didn’t mean to, and the look of hurt that flashes across the face makes me sick, even if he’s quick to mask it.

“Call me in the morning when she gets discharged?” He stares at me, like he can somehow hug me with his gaze if I won’t let him actually hug me.

I nod. Mom doesn’t even try to touch me, thank fuck, but I catch her arm before she can go past me. Leaning in close, I whisper low enough that only she and Silas can hear me.

“If there are any drugs in that trailer when I get home, I will take the girls and leave forever, custody or no custody. Understood?”

The stare I get in response is so hard I almost crack. I love her. She loves me. We fight, but I’ve never been cruel to her.

I’ve also never been this scared and angry before. I have to put it somewhere or I’ll collapse in on myself like a dying star.

Silas and I nod at each other one more time, and I pretend not to notice the long, lingering look he gives me as they walk down the hall.

When it’s just me and my sleeping baby sister left in the room, I slump into the armchair. All my anger left the room with mom, leaving behind someone with the structural integrity of a wet napkin. My face is hot and tears are pricking at my eyes, but I don’t let myself cry.

If I cry, I’ll sob. And once I start, I don’t know when I’ll be able to stop.

Instead, I focus on breathing slowly and steadily through my nose. I stare at Sky’s sleeping face and try to match her respiratory rate. I let the darkness and the quiet sink into me, and every time a thought cycles through my brain, I bat it away.

No more thinking tonight.

---