Page 68 of Stupid Dirty

I don’t sleep, but it puts me into a sort of meditative state for a while, deep enough that I jump the next time a nurse comes in.

It’s a guy in his mid-twenties that I recognize from when I work night shifts. He nods at me politely before quietly going about his business, checking vitals and hanging a bag of IV antibiotics.

I’ve noticed him before because he’s one of those guys that seems to wear his sexuality without a hint of a question mark. The way he walks, the way he talks, even the dainty rainbow drawstring on his scrub pants. There’s no hiding his queerness to anyone he shares space with.

That shit seems brave to me. The idea of taking this intimate part of yourself that you know some people hate and putting it on display 24/7. I can’t imagine how much bigoted shit he’s had to deal with in his life, and it makes me feel like a fraud.

Silas and I have this incredible thing between us. But we’re so scared of what people might think that we’ve only told our closest friends, at least until tonight when my hand was forced.And we both still walk around like living, breathing, macho dirt bike stereotypes.

I wonder if this guy would think I’m a coward. If he had someone as incredible as Silas, I’m sure he wouldn’t hide how he felt.

“You’re Tristan’s partner, right?” He interrupts my weird shame-spiral, whispering across the room while he charts on the computer in the corner. The screen is the only light source in the room, casting an eerie glow over his face.

“Yeah. Cade.” I sit up a little and try to remember what facial expressions people make when they’re not having an existential crisis. “I thought I usually saw you in ER, not inpatient.”

He shrugs. “My name’s Micah. I don’t think we’ve officially met. They floated me tonight. Short-staffed. I guess it’s a break from the drama.” He keeps typing, but I catch him sneaking a look at me out of the corner of his eye, as if he’s scoping me out for something. “Although you seem to have plenty of your own drama in here tonight.”

I snort. “You could say that. I can’t tell you how much fun it is for everyone I work with to watch me fight with my drunk mother and get interrogated by social services. It feels very professional. I can’t wait to be back here in a few days, dropping off patients to you guys.”

Micah shrugs again, looking unperturbed. “Hey, it’s emergency med. We’re all fuck-ups and chaos junkies. Show me an ER nurse who doesn’t have some kind of trauma in their past and I’ll show you a liar. How else do you learn to be the only calm person in the room when the world is on fire?” He smiles to himself, but it’s a weird smile. Almost vicious. “At least your friend was here to help. He seems nice. And oh-so-handsome, if you’re into men who glower.”

My lips lift in the closest approximation of a smile I’ve made tonight. Silas does love to glower, and he looks damn fine doing it.

But this conversation feels like fate. A few seconds ago, I was wondering if I was a coward for not being open about Silas. Everyone we’ve told is because they caught us or we had to. Never just because.

It doesn’t matter if I correct this random stranger in the grand scheme of things. And the thought of having to constantly correct everyone I meet for the rest of my life when they call Silas my friend is already exhausting. Even if that’s getting way ahead of myself.

But in this moment, I want to correct him. Because Silas is fucking awesome, and everyone should know. Taking a deep breath, I look Micah in the eye while I say the words. It feels important.

“He’s my boyfriend. And yeah, he’s the best.”

It shouldn’t feel good. It’s not even the first time I’ve said it tonight. But something about saying it because I want to, not because I have to, makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Like my lungs can fill with air a little more. I have a sudden prickling sensation behind my eyes, but that’s ridiculous, so I push it down.

Micah just smiles at me softly. He hums, and for a second I feel like I’ve passed some sort of test. “Like I said, yummy. Good for you.” There’s a pause while he gathers his stuff back up and looks me up and down. “You should get some sleep. She’ll be out all night, and I’ll be in to check her vitals every hour. I’ll wake you up if anything changes. Your family needs you rested, too.”

He sweeps out of the room without waiting for an answer, but leaves me feeling a little more settled in his wake. I sink back into the chair, determined to sleep.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The cold is making my hands stick to the metal frame of the patio chair. My breath fogs in front of me, and I can’t stop shivering as the first tendrils of sunlight snake over the horizon. It’s not even 6am yet. But I can’t bring myself to go back inside.

It took the three of us a while to get the trailer looking presentable, in case CPS decided to show up at an ungodly hour. Then, while Maddi was in the shower, Kris handed over her small stash of prescription pills to me with a defiant expression.

I threw them down the garbage disposal, along with the scribbles of weed I knew Cade kept stashed in his bedroom.

After everyone was showered and settled, I couldn’t get to sleep. Cade’s tiny room still felt huge and hollow without him in it. I slunk outside to pace on the porch like an alley cat instead, waiting for him to call and ask me to come pick him and Sky up from the hospital.

He hasn’t texted. Which is fine. Hopefully, he’s sleeping, and then I’m sure there will be paperwork and other bullshit to getthrough when she’s discharged. At least Sky’s nurse had the foresight to grab us as we left last night, asking Kris to sign a form that would let Sky leave in Cade’s custody in the morning so she didn’t have to go all the way back in and cause more family drama in front of everyone.

Logically, I know there are a million reasons Cade hasn’t texted. But none of that has stopped my mind from spinning out, playing through endless scenarios that all spell disaster.

It caught me by surprise just how right it felt when Cade called me his boyfriend to the social worker. He said I was part of the family, and I felt it. For one bright, shining moment. Then he locked up and pulled himself away from me more than he ever has since the day he saved me at the quarry.

I’m trying to rationalize it. I’m trying not to feel hurt. But I have no idea what it all means.

Cade saying the words out loud made me realize I want to be part of his family more than anything. I already feel like part of his family. But based on how much he withdrew as soon as he said it, I’m scared that it made him realize the exact opposite.

Maybe he realized that he misses girls, and this is all a pit-stop on the way to the real, normal family of his own that he’ll have one day. Just the thought of it makes my stomach churn.

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