Page 72 of Stupid Dirty

“I don’t know why that asshole thinks he has the right to yell at you about anything. He’s the one who was responsible for your bike. You were banned for whatever additives they found in your fuel tank. If you didn’t put them in there, they sure as hell didn’t climb in there on their own. Process of elimination tells us exactly who should get his ass handed to him here, and it’s not you.”

Rant over, I go back to seething quietly. I keep holding him tight to me, as if I can hold him tight enough to shield him from things that have already happened.

“I told you, Cade, it was an accident.” His voice is resigned. He’s said this to me so many times, I can’t tell if he really believes it or if he’s just given up caring. “These things happen. Fuels get mixed up. You use the bike for other things. A tiny fraction of something left in a tank from a different event can set off the sensors. I’m not the first person it’s happened to, and I won’t be the last. Honestly, they were waiting for a chance to get rid of us. Between Dad’s constant fights and sketchy shit and my ‘personality’ problems, we weren’t marketable anymore. The league had an opening, and they took it. Dad’s an asshole, but that doesn’t make it his fault.”

It makes sense. If I had to work with Travis Rush year after year, I’d find an excuse to have him banned as well. But it still doesn’t seem like the whole truth. At least Silas isn’t talking about old accidents anymore. That was a weird detour down memory lane, and I still don’t feel comfortable leaving him in the wake of it.

I don’t have a choice, though. The girls need me, and I’ll see Silas at the track tomorrow.

“Okay, I gotta take off before he shows up, because I really don’t want to see him. Get some sleep. Don’t think I’m gonna take it easy on you tomorrow just because you dicked me down so good tonight.”

I kiss him one more time before I crawl up out of his crappy floor mattress and look around for my clothes, and the sound of his laughter warms me all the way down to my truck. Maybe I was worried about nothing.

This place is buzzing with excitement. It’s the start of the season, so everything’s still ramping up and the crowd is small, but the riders are all eager to hit the track and the energy is pulsing.

There’s been one event in the season so far, but it was AML-sponsored, so Silas wasn’t able to enter. I thought it would bum him out more than it did. His license being revoked meant he wasn’t allowed to ride, but there wasn’t anything stopping him from attending as my own personal pit crew, and he actually seemed to get a kick out of it.

He’d been in a great mood the whole time, going over my bike like a pro, then setting me up at the gate with a warm smile

Not to mention, his ass looks fucking delectable in a jumpsuit. Like a peach.

The whole time, he looked like a wet dream. I even got him to wear my battered old pink ball cap for good luck. He’s gotten a deep, golden tan from spending time outdoors without wearing a motocross jersey, and he was all stubbly and grease-smeared. His compulsively short, neat hair has grown out long enough on top to get a little messy, and now I see why he’s so obsessed with raking his fingers through mine. It’s sun-kissed with just a hint of a curl, and I want to touch it all the time. It’s not as long—or as pretty—as mine, but it still feels like a physical reflection of all the ways he’s let himself be free.

Which he gets the credit for. He did the work. But I know I played a role in it, and that fills me with a possessive kind of joy that I’ve never experienced before.

Getting back on my bike with Silas watching me felt like coming home. I only came in third, so the prize money was shit, but I didn’t care. At the end of the race, my little robot was grinning like I’d won the world championship.

Being out in the open with him has caused less drama than I expected, but I still wasn’t going to make out with him in the middle of the Mission Flats Raceway. For all the progress the world has made, there are still shitty people around, and I didn’t want those outliers to beat the shit out of us in the parking lot later. I was more than happy to get off my bike and jump into his arms though, smearing him with dirt and nearly knocking both of us to the ground in the process.

I don’t know if he’d been putting on a brave face to not distract me, or if he genuinely wasn’t upset, but the whole day his smile didn’t waver. I’ve never seen him so happy. It was almost enough to make me think depressed robot Silas was a thing of the past.

Today, I was excited to see that bright, happy version of Silas race for the first time.

Which is why it hits me like a ton of bricks when he shows up, wearing an expression that fills me with a sense of despair.

To most people, he probably looks as serious as he always does. Maybe a little more pissed off than usual. But I know all his faces, and this isn’t him just being focused or robotic.

He looks hollow. He looks like he did when I found him at the quarry, teetering over the edge, talking about how it might feel to fly.

“Hey,” I say, rushing over to him and pulling his face until he’s looking at me. “What’s up? What’s wrong?”

He shrugs and shakes his head, but his eyes shift as he avoids my gaze. A hand comes up to scrub through his hair, tugging at the longer strands.

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. Did your dad do something? Where is that asshole?”

Silas huffs out a laugh that sounds almost pained.

“No, Cade, he didn’t do anything. I haven’t even seen him.”

“What?”

“He’s not here. He never came home last night, and he’s not at the grounds. I texted him and he replied to tell me he’s not coming, and nothing else.” There’s a pause as he looks off into the distance and I realize I have no idea what to say. I think it’s a good thing his asshole sperm donor isn’t here to treat him like shit, honestly, but not if it’s going to make Silas look this vacant.

“Hey,” I repeat, pulling his gaze back to mine. “I’m here. I care about you a thousand times more than he ever did. I’m in your corner. It’s going to be fine.”

I can almost see the moment his expression shutters into nothingness. His voice is completely flat when he speaks.

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