Page 83 of Stupid Dirty

I buzz again and give him a minute.

When the door finally opens, Silas looks worse than I had feared. His movements are sluggish, like I did just wake him up in the middle of the afternoon, and his eyes are dim. He looks at me like he’s not sure if he’s dreaming still.

“Cade? Did I know you were coming over?”

I had a plan. I was going to go in and then I had a whole speech sketched out with pros and cons and a long lead-in about why he should consider moving in with me, but how I wouldn’t pressure him if he wasn’t ready.

As soon as I see him looking so drawn and exhausted, my anxiety gets the better of me and the rational plan goes outthe window. Instead, I word-vomit on him, right there on his doorstep.

“Move in with me.”

He freezes, the look of shock on his face the only sign that he heard me.

“What?”

“Move in with me. Leave your dad and this fucking house behind. It’s killing you, and watching it happen is killing me. I know the trailer is a shithole and comes with a lot of noise and drama attached, but I want you there. So do the girls. The first time you stayed there was to take care of me, and I was so grateful. Now I’m begging you to move back in so I can take care of you.”

I want to tell him the rest of it, too. That this is meant to be the start of our life together. That we belong together, no matter who is taking care of who. That we’re a family.

But those words are a lot harder to get out.

I expect him to look shocked, or maybe confused, but as I step closer to him and take his face in my hands, his expression crumbles into something closer to heartbroken.

It’s only for a second, though. He pulls his neutral robot mask back in place before I have the chance to kiss the misery off his face.

“Cade, I can’t.”

“Don’t say that. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. I promise. You don’t owe your dad shit. Please, baby, you belong with me. With us.”

He takes my hands in his and gently pulls them away from his face.

“Cade, I’m leaving.” I don’t hear him. My breath hitches in my chest while my stomach bottoms out because Silas’ words came at me too garbled to make sense. “I’m leaving town to restart my career. In Canada. Dad arranged everything with some friendthat owes him a favor or something. He tried to tell me last night when he was drunk, but he wasn’t making sense. Today he explained it for real. He wants to leave tomorrow.”

“But we have plans tomorrow…” I say, like a dumbass. Like someone whose heart isn’t tearing apart in their chest.

Silas exhales, and his body sags so much that for a second, I think he might collapse to the ground. When he looks back at me, his eyes are vacant. His mouth keeps moving as he speaks, but his voice is toneless and dead. It’s like he’s not even in there anymore. Like I’m looking at the husk that used to hold Silas, but the essence of him is gone.

“I’m sorry, Cade. I was going to tell you. Dad says we don’t have much time.”

Stepping into the doorway, I grab his shoulders hard enough to send him back a step. I want to shake him. I want to scream. I want to do anything that gets him to snap out of it and look like himself again, instead of this hollowed-out version that’s about to blindly follow his dad to Canada and leave me alone forever.

“Silas, stop. This isn’t what you want. You don’t have to do anything he says, you can just stay here. Stay with me. Tell him no. I will help you tell him no. All he’s ever done is make things harder for you and force you to do shit that you don’t want to.” I’m trying to stay calm, but his eyes are still glazed over and I can tell my words aren’t penetrating whatever shell of numbness is wrapped around his brain right now.

I pull him into a hug, squeezing tight enough to hurt. When I speak again, the words come out in a sob. “Baby, please. Don’t go. I can fix everything, as long as you stay. Don’t leave me.”

Silas pulls back and untangles himself from my arms. I can feel tears on my face, but I’m so far past caring about my dignity. All I need is for him to listen to me.

When he looks at me this time, I see a glimmer of the real Silas underneath all that blankness, and it almost gives me hope. Until he speaks.

“Look at me, Cade. You look after everyone in your life. You deserve so much more than getting saddled with me, too. Dad can—” He swallows hard, and I can see the blood rush to his face, like he’s fighting off a surge of real emotion. “Dad knows how to handle me. You shouldn’t have to.”

I’m speechless. Of all the twisted up logic in the world, I don’t understand how he convinced himself this is what I deserve.

I don’t deserve to be abandoned by the person I would fucking die for.

My mouth opens to tell him as much, again and again until it gets through his thick skull, when we’re interrupted. Travis is home, after all.

“What’s going on, Silas?”

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