Page 219 of The Anti-Heroes Collection
I pick up the envelope.
The familiar handwriting stares back at me.
With a deep breath, I pull it open.
I need to know what he said.
Inside is the kind of lined paper a kid uses at school to draft an essay. I imagine my father in the prison library with a pen and paper, looking down at the lines and thinking about what he was going to write.
The ink looks to be thicker over the T . . . As if he placed the pen down and couldn’t find the words to continue.
Or maybe it was the strength.
Could that be it?
Was he searching for the strength to contact me?
I shake my head.
There’s no use speculating. I have never understood my father. And now, I never will. Instead, I read it.
Trent,
You probably won’t open this. I don’t blame you. I don’t deserve your attention. I don’t deserve anything from you.
Another family visitation week passed today. I was alone, watching from the corner of the rec room because I couldn’t bring myself to miss it. Just in case you came. In case Ivy did. In case your mom did.
I’m a sick bastard for holding on to hope I haven’t earned.
I sat there, just watching. Seeing everything I missed out on and knowing I damn well deserve the misery. I was getting ready to leave after it got to be too much. Had one foot past my table in the corner when a rubber ball rolled forward and hit my shin.
A kid came up to me, hand out. I gave him his toy back. He asked me why I was alone. For the first time, I told the truth.
It’s my fault I’m alone.
It’s my fault I have no one.
It’s my fault I hurt my family.
I am sorry for everything I did to you and your sister. You will never understand the pain I feel knowing I ripped apart my own family.
All I have is time.
Time to think.
Time to regret.
I realize now, I was every bit the monster you said I was. I wish I could go back. I wish I could take the blinders off and realize what I was doing, how warped my view was.
I thought I was in love.
But I was blind.
Blind to the truth.
I have no excuse for what I did to Ivy. Or to you and your mother.
I was a fool.
