Page 57 of Canadian Boyfriend

“What do you mean?”

“What else did you want to do when you were a kid but never got to?”

“I always wanted to go to one of those play places—you know, like that chain Tomfoolery?—and go in the ball pit.” The answer was right there, even though it wasn’t like I’d spent any time actively mourning my ball pit–less childhood. “Oh, and do Skee-Ball! You know where you bowl the little ball into those rings and you get prizes?”

“You dream big, eh?”

“No, I dream small,” I said with a smirk. “I’m saving the Chihuahuas, remember?”

I’d been going for humor, but he paused with a sandwich perched on his spatula while he regarded me. “I don’t know if you dream big or small. I don’t know if you realize that you can have dreams that are yours and not your mother’s.”

Oof. There was another little truth bomb.

“Food’s done,” he said almost breezily, probably because he could sense that I didn’t know what to say. He finished plating the sandwich and slid it across the island to me. “Sage Derby grilled cheese. Let’s eat by the tree again, possibly followed by some more low-stakes making out, should you find yourself amenable to the idea.”

“I’ve been kissing Mike.”

You might think I was talking to Gretchen, but no, I was talking to my therapist, Mary-Margaret Madigan, who, despite her name, was not, in fact, a recently fallen nun.

I had not told Gretchen I was kissing Mike Martin. I wasn’t sure why. She would probably figure it out soon enough anyway. If Gretchen ever decided she was done running a body-positive suburban dance studio, she could make an effortless transition into the world of espionage.

“Well, that’s a plot twist,” Mary-Margaret said drolly. I liked Mary-Margaret. My first and last spin through therapy had been really helpful. That therapist, Nancy, had taught me the EFT tapping technique and had told me to listen to my inner voice. Nancy’s inner voice, however, had in the intervening years suggested that she retire to Boca Raton. I don’t think I really got the inner voice thing back then, but after I experienced my breakup with Ian more as a relief than as a heartbreak, I started to get it. If I’d listened to my inner voice, we probably would have broken up earlier—and both been happier. So when Mike Martin’s gold-plated insurance plan kicked in, I’d poked around and found a listing for Mary-Margaret, who was a psychotherapistandcertified as an intuitive eating counselor. I hadn’t known what that was, but her website mentioned making peace with food, and even though I’d never thought of myself as at war with food, something inside me said yes.

“Do you think it’s bad that I’ve been kissing Mike?” I asked.

“Doyouthink it’s bad?”

“I…” I had no idea.

“How does kissing him make you feel?” she prompted. “In the moment, I mean.”

“Well, he’s a really good kisser.” I grinned. “And I like kissing. Like,justkissing. There’s so much less pressure that way.”

“It sounds like you’re having fun.”

“Yeah. It’s only afterward that I start having second thoughts.”

“What are those second thoughts?”

“He’s sort of my employer. He’s recently widowed.”

“It’s been what? A year?”

“It’ll be a year next week, first week of January.” That didn’t seem like that long to me, when you were mourning a marriage. I wouldn’t have thought there were timetables for grief, but then again there was that stages-of-grief notion you sometimes heard about, and that seemed like an official, psychological thing, so what did I know? “My point is, we’re never going to be a thing. We’re just having fun, and that’s been in short supply.”

“For both of you, I think?”

“Yes.” That wasdefinitelytrue.

“The reason I asked about second thoughts is I wanted to find out if you were having any that were intrinsic to you. If you were feeling uncomfortable. But it sounds like your second thoughts are about external things—societal ideas about what’s proper and such. Or about what you think other people in your life would think, or say.”

“You mean my mother.” We had, unsurprisingly, talked about her a lot.

“Maybe. My point is that when you’re having doubts, or negative thoughts about behaviors or desires, sometimes it can be useful to ask what the source of those feelings is. Is ityou, or is it an idea you have about how society, or people in your life, are going to react?”

“So you’re telling me to keep making out with him?”

She smiled. “I’m not telling you anything. I will remind youthat you told me one of your goals was to stop trying so hard to please other people, to start listening more to your inner voice.”

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