Page 70 of Canadian Boyfriend

“Ah yes, come closer, young Jedi.” Gretchen said in a funny Yoda voice. She was eight years older than I was, but it sometimes felt like she was eighty years older when it came to life experience.

“Were you ever sexually attracted to someone but didn’t have sex with them?” I asked.

“Uh, all the time? Michael B. Jordan? Mikhail Baryshnikov? Hello?”

I laughed as I set a glass of wine in front of her. “No, I mean someone you know. Someone youcouldconceivably be having sex with. Someone you’re attracted to and who finds you attractive in return.”

“Oh my God! Are you having sex with Mike?”

“No!” I hadn’t even told her about the kissing, even when she’d pressed pretty hard after he picked me up at the studio for the arcade date and told the Minnetonka Moms™ that we were going out but “not going out–going out.” But I was prepared to. I knew I couldn’t open with a question like that and not fess up.

She raised her eyebrows. “Then you’re going to have to stop speaking in code.”

“OK,” I said, muscling through a thicket of half-formed thoughts. “What about the reverse?” That was really what I was asking, right? That’s what all the anticipation of kissing to come had me thinking about. “Have you ever done something physical with someone when you didn’t necessarily want to? I’m not talking about sexual assault or anything. I’m talking about when you consented, but somehow, you still didn’t really want to be doing it.” That sounded dumb. Gretchen was the opposite of a pushover.

“Of course I have. I think that’s called being a single woman. No, I think that’s called being a woman, period.”

Hmm. That was a relief, even though I was sorry that she, not to mention all of womankind, apparently, had shared my sense of ambivalence after—or during—sexual encounters.

“Hon, what is going on?”

“What’s going on is I’m realizing that pretty much every sexual encounter I’ve had has been… complicated. There were two guys in New York, one I liked a lot, and sex with him was good.”

“This is Piotr, right? You’ve always spoken well of him.”

“Yeah. He was a good guy, but if I’d been honest with myself about what I wanted, I might not have slept with him. We met when we were both kind of heartbroken, and he propositioned me in this silly, romantic way. I thought, ‘Well, this is how this movie goes. Now we have sex.’ We had fun, but I wanted a boyfriend and I knew he was only going to be around for a few months because he was going to graduate. He joined the Dutch National Ballet, and that was it for us.” I paused, thinking of my other example. “The other guy was a jerk.”

“Luc,” she said, making a face.

“Yep. I don’t know, I guess I was flattered that he wantedme?” I rolled my eyes. “In a way, that one is easier to parse, because he was my first, so I kind of didn’t know any better.”

I expected her to ask why I was thinking about this stuff, for it to lead to an interrogation about Mike Martin, and I was mentally preparing my confession. But she just grabbed my hand and squeezed. “What about Ian?”

I sighed. Ian felt like someone I had known a lifetime ago. “Ian and I were a mismatch. But not, like, a spectacular one. And I would say that went for all aspects of our relationship. I mean, sex was fine. It was fun. Sometimes, I’d come out of it thinking,He is really seeing me.But then…” I shrugged. “Anyway, here’s what I’ve been thinking about: Say you were attracted to someone but you knew youweren’tgoing to have sex.” Gretchen scrunched up her face. “Hypothetically. Run with me here. What if you knew nothing was going to happen, beyond, say, kissing? Even if you would be into more, it’s not on the table. How would that make you feel?”

“How would that makeyoufeel?”

“It would be oddly freeing. Maybe a little frustrating, what with all the pent-up lust, but you’d feel safe. I don’t mean safe from assault; I’m not talking about that, but, like…”

“Emotionally safe.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, that sounds lovely.Hypothetically.”

I eyed her. She should be able to figure out why I was suddenly interested in a philosophical discussion about sex, but she was being oddly chill.

“Can I add something?” she asked.

“OK.” I braced myself.

She surprised me, though. “As lovely as this kissing-only scenario would be, sometimes, sex is the greatest thing ever.Sometimes, you want it, your partner wants it, and you’re in sync about both the sex and the emotional context—or lack of it—around the sex, and everything is great. We’re making it sound like the woman always wants a lifetime commitment, and the man doesn’t. You asked me earlier if I’d ever had sex when I didn’t really want to. Sure, but I’ve also had my share of hot, no-strings sex that I enjoyed the hell out of.” She smirked. “It doesn’t have to be complicated. Sometimes great sex is just great sex.”

I smiled. “That is good to hear.” Not that I was going to be having any sex, great or otherwise.

15—HAT TRICK

RORY

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