Page 95 of Canadian Boyfriend

The clothing was coming off and we were kissing when I rolled over on something sharp and yelped. It was the box of condoms. The corner had gotten me in the side boob.

Mike Martin rubbed the spot as if to soothe it and, as we caught our breath, shocked me by saying, “The reason I haven’t had any condoms when we’ve needed them is that Sarah had an IUD.”

“OK…” He was acting like this was some big revelation, but for a married couple to settle on a low-effort form of birth control seemed unremarkable to me.

“I just didn’t want you to think I was the kind of guy who was a jerk about condoms.”

“I never thought that.” He had used them uncomplainingly that week in the spring.

“Sarah and I had one major, ongoing conflict,” he said, transferring his attention to the ceiling of the tent.

OK, shit was getting real here. I rolled to face him. He glanced over as if acknowledging my attention, then returned to studying the ceiling. I knew immediately that this was why he’d cried that first time. This was the thing he’d been thinking about that he’d said had nothing to do with me.

“I wanted more kids, and she…” He rolled over suddenly and looked at me all earnestly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be saying all this.”

“Why not?” He had something he wanted to get off his chest, which meant I wanted to hear it.

“We were about to have sex, and now I’m launching into a monologue about my dead wife?”

“She was a huge part of your life. You can’t pretend she never existed.”

He smiled. “You’re the best, Aurora Lake.”

“Well, I mean, also, she’s yourdeadwife. It’s not like you were sleeping with her yesterday.” He chuckled, and then he kept looking at me with that big, dopey smile. “So it soundslike you have something to say about wanting more kids? Can I suggest you get on with it? Otherwise I think we should put one of those condoms to use in the prevention of that thing you want.” I fretted, belatedly, about making light of such a topic.

He smirked, putting me at ease. “Right. So, I wanted a bunch of kids.”

“Define a bunch.”

“I don’t know. Take it one at a time, I guess. But I wanted to start as soon as possible. She wanted to wait until I was retired.”

“Ah.”

“She said she’d already been the single parent to a newborn, and that because of my job, that’s effectively what she’d be doing again.”

“Same as with the dog.” He nodded. “As with the dog, I have to say that logic is hard to argue with.”

“Ididargue, though, which is something I very much regret. I suggested we try to time it so the baby was born as the season ended. Then it would be several months old by the time things geared up again. She didn’t go for it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I used to have these crazy fantasies that I’d succeed, and then she’d get pregnant with twins, and…”

“Instant brood?”

“Yeah. Isn’t that stupid?”

“No.”

“I didn’t understand, back then, what her daily life was like. I mean, I understood with my brain, but really, elementally, I hadno ideawhat adding more kids would have actually meant for her.”

“This is that emotional labor stuff.”

“Yeah.” He heaved a sigh. “I didn’t understand, and I pushed.I pushed my wife to have another kid when she didn’t want to. I’m going to go to my grave feeling the weight of that regret.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “But here’s the thing: I thought we were trying. When her IUD was due to come out, she told me we could start trying. I was so happy, but…” He blew out a breath. “I found out, after she died, that she’d been taking birth control pills. Weweren’ttrying.”

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