Page 49 of A Love Song for Ricki Wilde

“Well, all I had was your landline.”

Dr. Arroyo-Abril loathed cell phones. She only used hers to playTetrisand abuse the Find My Car app. She’d memorized Ezra’s home phone, but not his cell.

“Yeah, I guess I’m old school, like you said. The old-timey manners, the house phone.”

“I like your old man vibes. You’re an original.”

Fuck, this is going to hurt, thought Ezra.

Before he could think of anything appropriate to say, Ricki interrupted him, this time in a slightly more formal tone, as if she were careful of getting too familiar, too chatty. “So, can I help you with something?”

“Apologies if I’m being a bother. You know, calling you out of nowhere. I just… I was wondering if… Well, what are you doing?”

“Right now?”

“Right now, sure. Or later.”

“Well… it’s two in the afternoon. I’m working.”

“Oh? Um. Of course you are!” He grimaced and groaned. Pitying him, Focaccia nuzzled into his side, licking his hand.

“You sound nervous,” said Ricki, reading him through the phone.

“Iamnervous,” he admitted. He was first-date nervous. First-kiss nervous. First-everything nervous.

“Yeah? Why?”

Ezra shut his eyes and dropped his head back against the wall. “There’s something I need to tell you. But it’s not the kind of thing you say over the phone.”

“I see,” said Ricki. She paused, and the silence was thick. “Ezra, agreeing to avoid each other was a smart idea. I can’t afford any distractions. Something about you makes me feel crazy. I feel like I’m losing it.”

Hearing Ricki say his name sent an involuntary shiver acrosshis skin. He wanted to tell her that he felt crazy, too, that since they’d met, every moment they weren’t together felt wasted.

I don’t know this woman’s middle name, he thought.I don’t know her favorite book or her most embarrassing middle school memory. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m already lost.

How do you break up with someone who isn’t even your girlfriend? It was like serving divorce papers to the stranger in line behind you at the CVS register.

“I agree,” said Ezra quietly. “We should try harder to stay away from each other.”

Anything less than the truth is a lie.

“There’s just one problem,” he continued.

“What’s that?”

“I don’t want to. Do you?”

When Ricki didn’t respond, Ezra kept talking. No filter, no hesitation.

“All I do is wonder when I’ll see you again,” he admitted. “No, ‘wonder’ is too weak a word. The urge to be near you? Even just for a random thirty-second run-in at a bodega or outside a café? I’m strong; I can take abuse, but this is unbearable. And, by the way, you in that red dress at the wedding? It’s the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to me. You had me coming apart at the seams, and I’m frankly sick of pretending that it’s not the last image in my brain at night. And you’re… you’re so funny, both intentionally and unintentionally, and I… I just want to be near you.

“But I’m gutted, because I can’t… we can’t… go further. And I’d like to tell you the whole truth, face to face. Will you let me?”

Ezra let go of a breath and tried to steady his heart rate. He hadn’t expected to spill it all like that. Hearing himself say the words out loud made his feelings all the more real.

He spoke again, his voice barely above a whisper. “Please, Ricki. Will you let me?”

There was almost a full, terrifying minute of endless quiet before Ricki responded.

---