Page 19 of For I Have Sinned
It isn’t long before he almost shouts with his release. The thrill of being caught brings my release to the front. I’m just about there as the door to the closet bursts open. We’re deeply hidden in the back behind long robes and a box that hides our legs.
Zaiden stills as I shove my dick deep in his ass and hold my breath as I come hard. The priest’s eyes lock into the darkness, but he doesn’t see me. His penetrating stare searches, but he doesn’t see.
Cum continues to pulse out of me as my knees shake and my vision darkens around the edges while I continue to hold my breath. I’m dizzy. I’m going to fall.
The priest leaves and I let out a breath, slumping my body weight against Zaiden.
The thrill of being caught, yet not being seen, is making me high. But it also scares the fuck out of me. I’ve been playing with fire and I just touched it.
As much as I fucking hate everything this building stands for, I can’t let it be taken from me. I can’t. I will hate myself if I break the promise I made. The thought stings my eyes and my stomach churns.
I shouldn’t feel like this after sex. I should feel good. Like I always do with Zaiden. But the knowledge that I’m going to break a promise that I can’t bear to break is my undoing.
In silence, we pull up our pants. I know Zaiden must be stupidly uncomfortable with my cum dripping down his leg and his underwear trapping his around his dick and stomach. Swallowing bile, I silently sneak him out a side door.
He looks at me, and as soon as our eyes meet, he knows. Zaiden shakes his head, reaching for me, tears already bright in his eyes. “Don’t,” he pleads quietly. “Please, don’t do that.”
Biting the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood, I don’t hide the turmoil from my face. I let him see it all, including the tears that are building. Reaching for his hand, I grip him tightly. “You’re everything,” I whisper, letting him hear the strain in my voice. The way it cracks. “Please know that.”
Then I back away and shut myself inside. And my world comes crashing down around me.
Nine
ZAIDEN
I stare at the door for a long time as tears sting my eyes but refuse to fall. He’s going to come back, right? He has to. I told him I can’t do this without him. I told him. I thought he understood.
Even as I saw the signs coming for days now, I ignored them because I thought this was what he needed. He needed me in his house of prayer. He needed to know that I could share the space with him. I could give him what he needed, regardless of where we were.
I’d been ignoring the part of me that screamed in warning. Telling me that this wasn’t a good idea. Not just because it was disrespectful, but because I could see the way it was eating at him.
Like Ellsworth was trying to hurt himself.
I stand there for a long time, still unconvinced that he is going to just leave me there. The door opens at one point, and I throw myself at him. But the man, the priest who caught me, isn’t Ellsworth.
He looks at me with pity, but I’m positive it isn’t because he knows what I am upset about. What broke me.
“Would you like to come in, child? Pray with me? Confess?” he asks gently.
I shake my head. His God wouldn’t help me. He’d likely strike me dead for wanting to be with a man. For coming all over the walls in his Church.
It was then that I force myself away, telling myself that he just needs time. He’ll be back. He’ll come back. Because he understands that I can’t live without him. That he’s the reason I live and breathe. He loves me. I know he does. Even if he didn’t say the words to me, I can feel them. I know.
But the days pass, and Ellsworth doesn’t come. I go to the Church and look for him every day. When I ask, they no longer say he’s unavailable. Now they tell me he’s not seeing people.
He won’t see me because he knows he won’t be able to stay away. That’s what I need. I need to see him.
But the doors to the back halls are locked at night now. There’s no way to get to him.
So instead, I sit on the floor in my living room and stare down the hall at my front door. Waiting for him to come back. Waiting for him to remember that we belong together. Willing his love for me to win.
I’m staring through tears and don’t see the door open. I don’t hear the person coming toward me enough to recognize them. All I know is that it’s not Ellsworth. How will I live without him? He can’t expect me to.
How will he live without me?
“Zaiden.”
I know the voice and I lean into the touch when Liam places his hands on my face.
