Page 25 of For I Have Sinned
We sit in the quiet for a while longer. The burden of grief doesn’t feel so heavy right now. Maybe it’s because I finally unloaded it for someone to hear. I’ve been told that acknowledging it is some kind of big step. It might just be the comfortable silence that we’re surrounded by. It’s not deafening. It doesn’t feel like we’re being watched and judged. It’s just… peaceful.
“Ready to go?” Zaiden asks after we’ve been there for maybe half an hour.
I nod and we stand. Even looking at the door we came in doesn’t feel imposing. Like a threat that if you leave, you’re going to be accosted by sinners and attacked by demons intent on challenging your faith.
Instead, it’s a welcoming sight. Not so commanding, but open as if it’s ready to embrace you.
Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? There’s no tension or heavy expectations here. No one is lingering in the shadows (I don’t even see shadows), ready to pass judgment. There’s no confessional for you to admit that you’re a shitty human being who’s not living your life in a predetermined mold.
Taking a breath, we find Pastor Bob sitting on a couch in the lobby. He stands and joins us as we pause.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” he asks.
I study his face for a minute before nodding. Whatever I was looking for, I don’t think I’m leaving without it. I’m not sure what it was, but I feel better.
There’s no new institution of faith. I still don’t believe that there’s a God. But if I were to be convinced somehow, this one seems like a much nicer being. I’d choose this version of God.
“Thank you for letting us in,” I say.
He smiles and rests a hand on my upper arm. It’s a kind gesture. Meant to be comforting. And I take it as such. Like he’s supporting me, a stranger, just because I walked in. “You’re welcome here anytime, Ellsworth.”
We leave and walk down the sidewalk back toward Zaiden’s house. Still hand in hand. It’s this simple gesture that makes me feel a little better with each step we take. I’m not alone. I don’t have to be alone.
“I’m sorry,” I say. Zaiden shakes his head, but I press on. “I should have said something sooner, so you understood why I couldn’t… become invested. Why I needed to put boundaries between us. I didn’t want to hurt you. I really, really didn’t.”
“I know.”
“If I’d have just told you why I was there?—”
“It probably would have convinced me to try harder, Ellsworth.” I look at him with a brow raised. He laughs. “You don’t believe in God, El. The only reason I wasn’t pounding down your door a whole hell of a lot more often was because I didn’t want to make you choose between me and your faith. One of those things isn’t real to you.”
I chuckle, looking down at my feet as we walk for a minute.
“What do you want?” Zaiden asks.
“You,” I answer without hesitation. His hand tightens around mine. “But I can’t give up on his last request, Zay. I can’t. Maybe it’s misguided and a stretch, but I feel like if I do, then I’m losing him all over again. I didn’t really survive it the first time. I may still be alive, but this isn’t surviving. It’s not living. I’m simply existing without him.”
We stop at a corner and I pull Zaiden around so I can finally take him in my arms. “You’re the only person who’s ever seen me since he died,” I say, my voice trembling as I try once again to keep my tears in. “I didn’t want to feel anymore because it hurts too much. But since the moment you came into my life, I feel again. Sometimes it hurts, but sometimes it’s like flying. And I think they’re going to be living simultaneously inside me for a while.”
Zaiden kisses my neck, pressing his lips to my skin, and takes a deep breath. “There are other ways to keep that promise, Ellsworth. Ways that allow you to be true to yourself, to live your life for you, and still seek God.”
I nod, hugging him tighter. I should let him go. We can’t just stay out here all day. But I need his hold. His hug is healing something inside me.
“I was clearly a little extreme in the way I decided to throw myself into his request,” I say.
Zaiden snorts laughter and pulls away to look at me. “A little? I’m not sure you ever planned to succeed by going that route.”
“Maybe I didn’t,” I admit, resting my forehead on his. “I’m sorry for making this so much harder than it should have been.”
“Don’t be sorry for how you handled your grief, Ellsworth. Don’t ever apologize for that.”
Bringing my hands up, I cup the sides of his face so he’s forced to meet my eyes. “I love you too,” I say and watch as his eyes fill up with tears again. “I’ve been too afraid to tell you but I do. So fucking much. You breathed life back into me. And you’re a fucking amazing man.”
He lets out a shaky huff of laughter. “So, what’s the plan, El? Where do we go from here?”
That’s a good fucking question. The only plan I had coming here was to tell Zaiden the truth. All of it. No matter how many wounds it tore open inside me to bleed for the first time in three years.
I didn’t have a plan for after that. But I know one thing—I’m not going to live without this man anymore.
