Page 28 of For I Have Sinned
I blink slightly, lights flashing before my eyes. “For what?”
“Being you,” he says. “Being everything I need. For loving me like you do. For taking care of me when I don’t want to take care of myself. For being perfect. For never giving up on me.”
Reaching behind me, I lace both my hands in his hair and turn my face so that our lips meet. We kiss as he wraps me tightly in his arms. We’re mostly still, with just the slightest rocking of our hips together.
“You’re the happily ever after I’ve been searching for,” I tell him. “It was always going to be you and me.”
He smiles against my cheek and pulls his hips back slightly before pushing inside me again. I’m still not quiet. Ever. Being with Ellsworth makes me loud in nearly everything I do. Sex aside, my love for him is deafening in the way it screams. My devotion to him is noisy and garish. My obsession with him is lurid and raucous.
Everything about Ellsworth makes me thunderously loud. And in the moments when our bodies are connected, all that noise comes out.
“I love you, Zaiden,” he murmurs as he pushes my knees apart further. He leans us forward, still wrapped around me, but now we’re resting against the back of the couch, and he has a better angle to drive into me. “You’re my only reason life is worth living again. Don’t let me fall away.”
His words are another confession from him that I know all too well. Ellsworth still struggles when he’s having days where he feels particularly guilty for not having made good on his promise. And I know that the only thing keeping him from throwing himself back into the life he hated at the church is me. Loving me.
Logically, he knows differently. But his heart forgets sometimes. Even though he loves me, too. I know he does. I can feel it.
“Never,” I promise. I bring one of my hands around to grip his hip as he pushes deeply into me. I fight back the whine about how deep he is in favor of trying to assure him. “You’re mine, El. Mine. And I swear to fuck, I will never, ever let you go.”
His forehead drops to the back of my neck, and he nods. “I just?—”
“I know,” I tell him. “But I promise you, your husband would be proud of you, El. So very proud of the man you are.”
I feel a tear on my skin and he holds me tighter. So tight that I think he’s going to leave a bruise around my ribs. His thrusts aren’t quick, but they’re hard and deep. It’s sensual and intimate.
“Sometimes, I think so,” he whispers.
Taking a steadying breath, I push him off me. Ellsworth does as I want and I have him sit on the couch so I can straddle him. We resume our lovemaking, this time in a position where I can kiss him as deeply as he’s burying his cock inside me.
“Some promises are hard to keep. Not because you don’t want to but because of the very nature of them,” I tell him. “You can’t force yourself to believe something you don’t. You still honor his memory every single day, El.” He closes his eyes and I study his face. The lines that form at the corners of his eyes and on his forehead as he processes his grief. “I’m sure he’s very proud of you. More so now than when you were in the church.”
Ellsworth’s eyes open and he’s surprised. “Why do you think that?”
“Because that man wasn’t you,” I tell him gently, kissing his lips. “When he asked you to find God, I am so fucking sure he didn’t mean to change who you are entirely. To forget the man you were. Or to give up your entire life and identity to do so. Ellsworth, you’re making him more proud of you today than you did for those three years.”
He sucks in a breath and closes his eyes again. Then his mouth is on me and he’s once again devouring me like he had outside. His focus is back on what we’re doing and my orgasm that has been simmering in the back, unnoticed and neglected, suddenly sneaks up on me and I’m crying out in his mouth as I cover both of our stomachs with my cum.
Ellsworth is another couple minutes behind me, but I love the way he growls and grips me punishingly hard as he empties into my ass. The burst of hot, viscous liquid seeping out of my hole around his dick makes me groan.
“I love you,” he says, laying us on our sides on the couch. “Till I die, this is where I want to be.”
“In my ass,” I tease.
I’m relieved when he grins, pressing his lips against mine quickly. “I mean, yes. But in your arms. In your heart. All that sappy shit, Zay. I need you to love me and remind me I’m not a shit husband for not finding God.”
“You’re so far from a shit husband, El. Even in death, you’re honoring him with your entire being.”
He nods, and we lay quietly for a minute. Then his eyes open and he looks at me, a soft smile on his lips. “Maybe I shouldn’t with my entire being. You deserve more of me.”
I shake my head but he stills it with his hand cupping my cheek. “Yes, you do. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not shit and for letting me mourn and for doing what I need to as I try to find something I don’t believe. But Zaiden, my life is now yours. I can’t live in the past anymore. You deserve more than that and I’m going to spend every day reminding you that you have my heart.”
“Does that mean you’ll not get a job?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood because I might cry. Who knew I was such a sappy man?
He chuckles. “Yeah, okay. But if there’s ever a time when I need to get a job to take some of the financial burden off you…”
Pressing my lips to his, I smile. “I actually live quite modestly, El. It’ll be a very long time before that happens, if it ever happens.”
Ellsworth nods. “And… you think that we can…” He bites his lip and studies my face. It’s the first time I’ve seen whatever kind of insecurity he’s facing. I kiss him lightly, encouraging him to tell me. “Have a future one day?” he asks.
