Page 29 of For I Have Sinned
“We already do, but if you’re asking for a wedding and a forever home and a family—however that looks—fuck yes, Ellsworth.”
He smiles and hugs me again. “Yes, I want all that. With you. And you can never leave me. You’re not allowed to die first.”
“Let’s not get grim,” I say, chuckling. “Let’s just focus on the first steps of this future. Wedding first or house?”
“Which do you want?” he asks and I would likely float away if he wasn’t holding me so tightly.
“I want to give you both. Which do you want first?”
He’s quiet as he thinks about it. His sigh is quiet, as is his voice when he answers. “Marry me, Zaiden.”
The grin splitting my face is so wide it’s painful. “Yes,” I tell him. “Fuck yes. Always yes!”
Epilogue
ZAIDEN
1.5 years later
I grew up thinking I knew exactly what my life was going to be. Being a man, I’d be the stronger person in my relationship. It was my responsibility to care for, protect, and provide for my family. All the heavy lifting. There were expectations placed on me because of my gender.
It’s weird to think that all of those expectations are somewhat irrelevant and shatter when you put two people of the same sex together. The same role expectations are on Ellsworth; so then, who takes on the softer role?
What I love perhaps far more than I should is that Ellsworth lets me take care of him. Though it’s grudgingly sometimes, he stays home, and lets me bring in the money. He lets me take care of him, physically and emotionally. He lets me make him feel better when he’s having a rough day.
This big man lets me hold him as if he were half my size. He trusts me and loves me. It makes me so fucking giddy knowing that.
And then there’s the fact that he can pick me up and carry me as if I am half his size. There’s something liberating about being carried by your partner for no reason except that he can and wants to. Having his hard body against mine is always slightly baffling. I enjoy his hard planes and his features that are completely masculine. The stubble on his face. His thick cock and heavy balls. The planes of his chest. His deep voice.
I won’t even get into the fact that he can fuck me in a way no woman can. There’s something visceral and explosive about sex with Ellsworth. It’s a drug and I never want to be sober.
Our life isn’t perfect. We disagree about things. And we argue from time to time. As the days pass, we find areas where we’re very dissimilar, and it can be a challenge to find common ground. But none of that matters. Our love is strong and grows more every day.
Ellsworth hasn’t found God and there are days he truly struggles with this. He still feels like he’s letting down his late husband by not being able to give him his last request. Personally, I think it’s something that he’s going to chase for the rest of his life and never find. If his husband knew how much this would tear him apart, I’m sure he wouldn’t have asked it of him. Not when he can’t relieve him of that stress and pressure when it becomes too much for him.
We’ve visited every church in the town, attending at least a single sermon. We’ve also visited several out of town in neighboring cities and villages. Most of the time, he walks out rolling his eyes. But there are times when he looks a bit at peace when we leave too.
In our search for God, we’ve even visited Jewish temples and Islamic Mosques. And then we’ve moved away from the Abrahamic religions and have been looking at the more spiritual aspects of religion. He enjoyed the peace that Hindu meditation brought him. And he especially loved the Yule celebration we participated in with a local pagan group. He was especially fascinated when we were allowed to observe a Native American ceremony.
But as much as he loved these things, exploring different cultures and beliefs, he was no closer to believing in something that he just couldn’t visibly see with his eyes or feel with his hands. I’m not sure he’s a hard-core science minded man, but he can’t fathom believing in such a being when the world is such a shit place.
His arguments are valid, and sometimes amusing when he gets all riled up about them.
So, I decided that we are going to go on a trip. For six weeks, we are going to travel the world and visit half a dozen of the most spiritual and holy places in the world.
I planned some US and European stops, then Japan, Cambodia, and we’d end in Peru. When I presented this to Ellsworth, he just grinned at me like I was God. Like he’d found what he’s been looking for. I told him we needed to get him his passport, and he got very quiet.
“They’re good for ten years,” he said. I nodded, unsure where he was going with this.
And that’s how I learned that he didn’t actually walk away from his entire life once his husband died. Okay, he did, but he didn’t throw it all out. There were now four large boxes stowed in our guest room. For the first few weeks they were there, I’d find Ellsworth standing over them, staring. He didn’t open them. Just looked at them.
Until I finally nudged him and said if we need to get a new passport, then we should do that soon. He opened a single box and dug through it until he found said passport. And then he sealed the box again. He shoved them into the closet and shut the door.
I feel good having them with us. The last four pieces of his life before he lost everything. Even if he isn’t ready to face them, they’ll be there for when he is.
And thus, we spent weeks going to some amazing places. We began in the US, Bahá’í House of Worship in Illinois. It is a large white temple that reminded me of the White House to some degree and includes teachings from all major religions.
We spent a long weekend there while Ellsworth and I sat in on many services. While he enjoyed them and found one in particular to be thought-provoking, he didn’t find that it spoke to anything deeper. “They’re nice words and a great lesson. But I don’t see what this has to do with a higher power,” he said.
