Page 6 of For I Have Sinned
Ellsworth nods. “Thanks.”
And just like that, the game of pool continues, beers and pizza slices get passed around, and conversation ensues. I’m not sure whether I don’t leave his side or Ellsworth doesn’t leave mine, but throughout the evening, we remain in each other’s orbit.
The only time we’re parted is when he heads to the restroom before he partners with Nora to play a game of pool against Henry and James. Liam sidles up next to me, taking a long sip of his beer as he studies my face.
When he pulls it down, I’m holding my breath for whatever it is he’s going to say. “So. This is new.”
I nod. “I just met him. He was planting flowers across from my office.” Okay, that sounds lame even to me.
Liam raises a brow. “I see.”
Sighing, I glance toward the bathrooms. “I don’t know,” I confess, lowering my head as I lean in and speak quietly. “I just…”
When I trail off and don’t finish, Liam squeezes my shoulder. I look up to meet his eyes, scared of what I might find there. But he’s smiling. “Relax, Zay. Whatever makes you happy, man. You know that.”
Before I can tell him that Ellsworth is a priest and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, Ellsworth returns. He stops at the side of the stool I’m on, close enough that his chest brushes my shoulder as he leans over and picks up his glass of water. Liam grins at me before moving away.
When he sets it down, he rests his hand on my thigh. Yep, my cock does more than twitch at his touch. I look at him and relax at the way he’s smiling. It’s small, but it’s all for me.
“You alright?” he asks and I feel the tips of his fingers brush the hair at the base of my nape. I shiver, my cock enjoying that subtle touch just as much.
I nod. “Yes. Are you having fun?”
He looks nowhere but at me this entire time. I have his sole attention. We’re in a bubble that holds just the two of us. “I am. Thanks for asking me.”
“Think you’d like to hang out again sometime?” I find myself asking.
There’s hesitation in his expression that hadn’t been there a moment ago. He takes a breath, holds it, and eventually releases it. “There’s a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t,” he says. There’s a pause, but the inflection of the sentence makes it sound like there’s a ‘but.’ I’m really hoping for a but.
He leans in so his lips are at my ear, his hand sliding up on my leg. I bite my tongue to hold in my groan. My eyes close as his hushed voice meets my ear, his hot breath skims my flesh. “I’m going to ignore all of them and say yes. I’d really like to hang out again.”
Ellsworth backs away and I’m left biting my lip, watching as he joins my friends to play pool. I meet Liam’s gaze on the opposite side of the pool table and he’s grinning smugly at me. I want to roll my eyes, but they’re already back on the something-like-a-priest.
My new obsession.
Three
ELLSWORTH
I notice several things over the following week as Zaiden continues to come around. He isn’t all about waiting outside if I’m not there. Instead, he strolls right in and has no reservations about asking for me if I wasn’t in the sanctuary and he couldn’t find me after a quick look around. He also never hid his grin from all the old, disapproving, prying eyes.
He invites me everywhere he and his friends go. Playing ball at the courts up on Ashbury. Back to Strikers. Or to one of their houses, usually Zaiden’s, since it was pretty central to everyone’s. He is easy-going, laughs readily, generous, and completely fascinated with me.
Something I picked up on early is that he is straight. He doesn’t understand his attraction to me, but he clearly is not someone who is going to ignore it for the simple reason that he didn’t identify as liking men. Zaiden eagerly, if not a little confusingly, embraces it.
It also makes him shy. When he realizes he is flirting or if I touch him in a way that the church does not approve of, his cheeks redden beautifully. It is sexy as fuck, the way his voice gets low and husky. When he stares at me with wide, willful eyes.
And each night, I go back to the church and pray for forgiveness of my sins as is expected of me. The prayers come from memory; I murmur them with my hands steepled while I kneel at the end of my bed, eyes downcast, while my mind is far from paying attention to the ingrained doctrine. The empty words.
Three years. I’ve not convinced myself this bullshit is real in three fucking years. But I’m still here. Still going through the motions. Pretending that I believe in the existence of a higher, divine being who forgives all.
Which I find a little hard to do. If He created all things, all men, and we’re all perfect, then how can he have created gay men and shun them for being abominations? Disgusting. Unholy. It is hypocrisy at its finest. And yet, there is a loud and clear message in several passages in the Bible.
Some argue that in the original scripture it doesn’t read like that. There’s also an argument that anything can be interpreted however the interpreter intends it to be taken. Other denominations don’t find being gay sinful.
However, the Church says that there are ways around it. You know, camps and shit that can set you straight. Pun intended.
I scoff and also refuse to give that thought substance. There’s a reason I’m not a preacher and continue to just work in the Church, even after having gone through all my shit to get to this point. I don’t believe in preaching something you don’t believe. Not that I’ve ever spoken that aloud to anyone. I know that my presence wouldn’t be welcome if that is the case. And I have to be here.
