Page 9 of For I Have Sinned
I suppose it isn’t all a lie. I needed to erase the life I was leaving behind. The life and promises that were stolen from me before I’d begun living them. If these last three years have made me believe anything, it’s that I can train myself to become numb and empty. Time for prayer is really my time for meditation, when I can clear my mind from all the pain and sorrow so I can get through my day.
I leave the church and walk around the block until I’m standing in front of Zaiden’s house. This isn’t a good idea. Not at all. I know what’s going to happen today can’t be taken back. Not that any of it can be, but alone in his house, knowing that we’re already pushing lines that I can’t be?
Taking a breath, I force myself to step forward. It’s been three years. I’m not going to believe in God now if I haven’t thus far. Three years is a long time. Long enough that I should be able to live again. Not hide in the grief.
Knocking on the door, it swings open before I can even lower my hand. Zaiden smiles, his cheeks flushing.
“Hi,” he says, stepping back to allow me in.
While I know I should be hesitant, I’m not. I’m eager. Eager to spend the day with him. To get close to him. To touch him.
In fact, I can’t wait to do so. I grab his hand on my way by, squeezing it gently. He immediately returns the action and I hear his quiet sigh. The door shuts behind me as I stop. He hasn’t let me go.
I look at him, and he’s biting his lip. Wanting to do or say something. “What is it?” I ask.
His gaze moves to mine. A heavy, heated second stretches between us. And then he’s on me, pressed against me, his mouth hot and hard against mine. The force of him launching at me has me taking a step backward to keep upright, but when Zaiden starts to pull away, mistaking the reason I stepped back, I push him against the wall. Trapping him between the hard, unforgiving surface and my body.
Zaiden groans, shifting against me so my leg is between his. His erection pressed firmly against my thigh. With his hands tangled tightly in my hair, he’s given me full control of his open mouth. I’m not sure he realizes he’s even done so.
He is so open to me, so pliant and eager and wanting, and I take everything I can get from him. Licking slowly into his mouth, making him chase my tongue with his. Swallowing his moans and grunts. The sounds he makes when I press my hard cock to his hip are obscene. So sexy. So hot. I kiss him harder. Deeper.
And then a loud buzzer makes him jump and I pull away, startled back into my mind. Fuck, what am I doing?
“Sorry,” he whispers, panting. “I was making us brunch.”
Nodding, I step back. Looking anywhere but at him, which is unfair because I can feel his uncertainty as he watches me before he moves down the hall. I take a minute to collect myself, pressing my palm to my dick to make it calm the fuck down. This isn’t happening. Despite all the excitement, this isn’t happening.
It can’t. I’ve come this far.
I’m just about to yell down the hall that I need to leave when Zaiden appears again. He looks so vulnerable. So uncertain. Maybe even a little afraid. The way it pulls at my chest, I move forward, trying to offer him a reassuring smile. It’s hard to do when I feel like I’m falling apart.
I close the distance between us and grab his waist, pulling his big, hard body against mine. I kiss him again, but this time, just our lips press together. “We need to slow down,” I tell him, trying to catch my breath and inhale him all at the same time.
Zaiden nods. “Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to attack you.”
A huff of laughter escapes and I press my mouth to his to stop his ridiculous words. “Zaiden, in another life, I’d be all over this. But right now, I just—” My words trail off.
He stills beneath me before trying to pull away. His cheeks flushed. Eyes closed. But I don’t let him go. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have?—”
“Don’t,” I tell him, my voice a growl. I press my mouth to his and while I think he’s trying not to kiss me, he does. It’s not fair to him. I’m giving him so many mixed signals. But I can’t stop as I trail kisses over his jaw and along his neck. He whines quietly, a delicate whimper that makes me want to bite him. Finally, I get a grip on myself and just breathe in his smell. His shampoo. His soap. Whatever he sprays himself with when he gets out. It’s delectable.
“What do you want me to do?” he asks, his arms hesitantly going around me.
That’s a fair question and I shake my head. “I don’t know, Zaiden. Just be patient with me, okay?”
“You’re confused? Between your faith and… uh…”
I snort, pressing my open mouth to his neck. “Something like that,” I murmur. It’s all warring inside me. Not faith. Not the idea that I’m sinning and that this is wrong and I’m wrong. But I made a promise. And right now, everything I’m doing with Zaiden is compromising that promise.
“Something like a priest,” he murmurs, and I laugh quietly.
Daring to look at him, I pull away and meet his eyes. “You know I can’t be doing this, right? In the eyes of the church, I’m committing an enormous fucking sin.”
Zaiden presses his lips together. “I appreciate how careful you are with your words,” he says, proving that he’s always paying attention to what I say. I smile, unable to help myself. “So, let’s eat before it’s cold.”
I nod and let him go. Zaiden moves into the kitchen and slices into the pie. When he brings it back, I see that it’s not pie but quiche. I accept the plate and follow him to the booth that’s set within a nook surrounded by windows, basking us in bright sunlight.
When I sit across from him, he stares at me until I chuckle and move next to him. Satisfied that I’m where he wanted me, we eat in silence until our plates are cleared. Then we sit in silence again. My fingers are tapping on the table and probably have been for several minutes when he covers them with his hand.
