Page 15 of For I Have Sinned
His face softens, and he presses a kiss to my lips again. “Okay.” He lets go of my hand and wraps both his arms around me, tucked under me, holding me tight so I’m pressed between his body and the mattress. His hips curl up, keeping his cock wedged inside me, even as it softens. “Sleep, love. Feel my heart against yours.”
Tears prick my eyes for the hundredth time today. I hold him tightly, the hand in his hair I can’t convince to loosen even though I know I must be hurting him. He just holds me tighter in response.
My heart hammers against his until it beats at the same rhythm. My ass throbs, knowing that his dick shouldn’t still be there, but I love every weird ache and strain. His arms are like a vise around me. His breath on my skin is a reminder that he’s here and alive and with me.
Tomorrow is going to be scary. Because I know we’re going to have to talk about this. But right now, I finally have everything I want. So I go to sleep, not letting these tears fall. Even they need to remain just where they are. A part of this perfect moment.
Seven
ELLSWORTH
I wake with a start but feel weighed down. Disoriented. A groan leaves my throat and I try to shift. It’s only then that I feel the body under me and last night comes racing back.
Oh fuck. What did I do? I already know before I shift enough to look at Zaiden sleeping peacefully under me. He said he loved me last night. The ache in my chest that never really leaves pulses hard. I glance at the simple dresser across the room, at the cross that sits there. The bottom half is part of a frame while the top half grows out of it. There’s nothing in the frame. Just the generic picture that came with it.
It's a landscape. Beautiful. Suggesting that everything is happy if you have God in your heart. All that rubbish. You know it well. We all do. I scoff quietly and turn back to the sleeping man beneath me.
My dick softened enough that it slipped out of him while we slept. I winced. Fuck. No condom either. Not like I had one here. I have nothing here. I’m a man of God. This is a goddam sin! An unforgivable sin.
A sarcastic voice inside me says, until you confess and all your sins are forgiven.
But it’s not just that. I glance at the cross again, but my gaze lands on the clock. I’ve only slept for a few hours. It’s nearing four. I release a breath of relief and turn back to Zaiden. He needs to leave. He can’t be seen here. Not at this time of night. And sure as fuck not coming out of my room!
“Zaiden,” I whisper, pressing my cheek to his and my lips to his ear. He murmurs nonsense in his sleep and a smile finds its way to my lips unbidden. “Zaiden. Wake up, baby. You need to leave.”
“No,” he whimpers, turning his face into my neck. His arms tighten around me. “Please, I can’t?—”
“Shh,” I tell him, brushing my mouth over his. “You can’t be found here. I need you to understand that. You have to leave.”
“But—” He blinks up at me, the upset and hurt shining in his glassy eyes as they fill with tears.
“It’s okay,” I tell him, my heart slamming in my chest. There’s nothing okay about this. Nothing at all. “Go home and I promise I’ll come over right after mass. First thing. I’ll be there. I promise.”
His chest is heaving, but he nods. We get out of bed, and I do my best to clean him. At least a little. He’s got dried cum everywhere. I ignore the way it fills me with heat again. Ignore the way my cock grows hard at the sight.
Once we’re both covered, I peek into the hall and hurry him out. Checking at every door for someone. We meet no one. When we’re standing outside, he turns to me, a clear desperate plea in his eyes.
I kiss him quickly. “Go home, Zay. I’ll be there in a few hours. I swear. Go home and wait for me.”
Swallowing audibly, he nods. I watch him turn and walk down the path. When he gets to the sidewalk, he looks at me. And then he runs home.
I turn back inside and stare blankly. What did I do? Fucking hell, what did I just do?
Returning to my room, I shower and change. Then I drop to the floor at the foot of my bed and silently fall into prayer, letting my mind slip into meditation as my lips form the familiar, practiced, empty words.
The bells call me out of the calm and quiet state some time later and I’m down in the sanctuary where I move through the motions of mass mindlessly. My gaze is far off. My thoughts are a stir of pain and panic.
When it’s over, I follow the small crowd of people through the door. I don’t take a left on the sidewalk but a right. Following the back way around the cathedral to get to Zaiden’s house. Hiding what I’m doing. I don’t even change. Or tell anyone I’m going anywhere. I just leave. Let my feet take me to the man I can’t want.
His door opens right as I raise my hand to knock. He looks like a wreck. His face is blotchy, like he’s been crying. The relief on his face when he sees me is so filled with emotion that my stomach flips.
I’m through his door then, pulling him into my arms and kissing him hard. Deep. We stumble against the door as he climbs me like a tree, wrapping his body around me.
“Please,” he says into my mouth.
“What do you need?” I ask, biting at his lips as he moans, his hips thrusting against mine. His cock is hard, straining.
“You. Please. I just need to feel you again.”
