Page 20 of For I Have Sinned
“Fucking hell, look at you, Zay.” His voice is gentle and though he must be close if he’s touching me, I can’t see his face through my tears.
“What happened?” he asks. I feel him close. Feel his legs against mine. His hands are still on my face, rubbing my cheeks softly. “Zaiden, tell me what happened.”
“I pushed too hard,” I whisper. The words spoken out loud tear a sob from my chest. Misery coats my entire being. My chest aches like something is sitting on me, crushing my ribs, my lungs, my heart. They’re going to snap and pierce my lungs.
“You need a vacation?” he asks gently.
What is he asking? I shake my head. A vacation won’t help. Shaking my head dislodges my tears and I can’t stop the trembling now.
Liam swears and pulls me to him, causing me to tumble and fall into his chest. He wraps me awkwardly in his arms as I cry. I’m grateful for his affection; I need to be seen right now. To not be alone. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone, or say it out loud. It wasn’t allowed to be said.
This was Ellsworth’s life on the line. Not his actual life, but his life in the Church. His eternal life. I couldn’t take that away from him. And yet, I desperately wanted him to choose me.
“Tell me,” Liam says gently.
I hiccup and take big gulps of air as he holds me at a weird angle where we’re both using far too much effort to remain upright.
“Does this have to do with Ellsworth?” he asks softly.
Biting my lip, I try not to answer. But I think not denying the question tells him that it does. His hand pats my head, brushing down my hair.
“What happened, Zay?”
“I want him to choose me,” I whisper. “It’s not fair because I know he can’t, but I want him to.” It all comes tumbling out at that point. How I found him in the flowers outside the cathedral. Then how I kept asking him to hang out, and he did. Even how I kissed him, and he told me he couldn’t do this.
How I kept going back when he’d try to pull away.
How I snuck into his room, and we had sex in the church. The weeks following. The weeks of pleasure and happiness.
I tell Liam how I fell in love with him.
All the way up to what happened days ago. Now I’m alone. I know he wants me. I know he does. But how can he believe in something that says he can’t be with the person he loves? I need him to love me enough to come for me. To choose me over his faith.
“It’s not fair of me to ask. I shouldn’t expect it. It’s not fair of me to want it, but I do,” I say through my gasps. “Tell me how to make that happen. I’ll do anything.”
Liam’s rocking me now. Holding me tightly to his chest, still in this strange and awkward angle. He continues to pat my hair. But he says nothing.
I don’t blame him. There’s nothing to say.
Minutes go by and I get my tears under control. I’m just leaning on him now, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.
“Listen, Zaiden,” he says gently and I can already tell I’m not going to like what he has to say. “It sounds like you’ve made your intentions with him clear. I don’t think you have any choice but to wait for him and see if he makes the right decision.”
“I can’t,” I whine pathetically. “What if he doesn’t make the right decision?”
Liam chuckles. “Zay, what you consider the right decision and what the right decision for him is, are two different things.”
I pull back and glare at him. “You said that I should wait for him to make the right decision. What decision did you mean?”
His smile is sympathetic as he brings his hand back to my face. I don’t like that look. He’s not going to say what I want him to.
I need him to tell me that Ellsworth will come back. He’ll choose me. But the way Liam is looking at me says he doesn’t believe that to be the case at all.
“I meant the right decision for him, Zaiden,” he says. His words sting. Tears burn my eyes again, and I try to look away. “I’m sorry. But if he’s not letting you see him, I think maybe… he might have made a decision.”
“No!” I demand. “I don’t accept that! I won’t.”
“What are you going to do?”
