Page 121 of Beauty and the Mafia Boss

Horses were fundamental characters in my journey of overcoming the grief for my father. In the first few weeks, I felt so suffocated by feelings that I didn't think a human being could understand, so, even though I knew Rafaella would listen to me, and that Vittorio would try, I came here and poured every word that overflowed from my chest into the ears of the poor animals.

Weeks after what has been the hardest night of my life to date, visiting the stables has become an important part of my daily routine. Especially after Kira's arrival two weeks ago.

When she's not getting into trouble with Galard, the mare is an extremely docile lady. Vittorio knew this when he bought her, of course! Just as he knew that something to occupy me with was exactly what I needed.

The wait for news about Raquel is still a weight on my chest and will not stop until my sister is found. But the truth is that there isn't a part of me that isn't sure that Vittorio will find her. I might doubt anyone else walking the face of the Earth, but not him. Even the hairs on my eyebrows know it's only a matter of time before it happens.

After the shock of discovering my father's death passed, I also didn't have much left to regret, there is no nostalgia to feel without “What ifs?” to invent. Little by little life returns to its place, because despite all the pain, the world never stopped spinning. It never stopped before, it hasn't stopped now, and it certainly won't stop later.

I stand up and stretch my neck, watching the sky start to change colors, announcing that it's about to get dark. I step around Kira's large body and stand in front of her. The mare looks at me with a million complaints in her eyes, and I laugh before stroking her face.

“You should give him a chance,” I say gently. “He has this closed off demeanor, but he is really sweet once you get to know him.”

Although I'm talking about Galard, it's the image of Vittorio that fills my mind and as I recently decided to do, every time I dedicate more than ten seconds of thought to the man, my heart jumps in my chest and begins to beat at a rhythm that it only performs when the subject is the Don.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask Kira. “It doesn’t mean anything.” I shake my head slightly to the side, and my shoulders end up moving minimally too. “I only catch myself thinking about him occasionally, several times a day.” I run my tongue over my lips, moistening them. “And I want to share with him the things that happen to me.” I roll my eyes at the mare. “Yes, Kira, every little thing! Your point?” I click my tongue, take a step back and place my hands on my hips. “It's not like I'm in love with him or anything,” I deny and, two seconds later, I hide my face in my hands and start shaking my head from side to side, whimpering. “I'm such an idiot, Kira!” I weep with the mare. “Dumb, idiot, stupid! How could I be so stupid?” I look in her big, dark eyes for the answer to the question I've been asking myself since the moment I realized that, yes, I fell in love with Vittorio Cataneo.

It wasn't a magical or memorable moment, it wasn't a situation that one day will become a funny story or something to tell so that everyone in the circle can laugh, even if it isn't funny. It was at the beginning of the second week after I found out about my father's death.

My period had finally gone and taken with it all the inconvenience it brought. Still, I felt so absolutely overwhelmed with feelings that it felt like I couldn't breathe. I was lying in bed,trying at all costs to deal with the complete mess I felt at that moment when the door opened, and Vittorio entered.

There was not a ray of sunlight bathing him in flourishing luminosity nor the glow of a silver moon. It was the middle of a cloudy day, and the room was dim, but all it took was for my eyes to rest on Vittorio for me to feel the air fill my lungs. All I needed was his presence to be able to breathe again.

I am under no illusion that this is a healthy feeling. In fact, I think the time I discovered it fits perfectly with everything Vittorio and I have been since the beginning. He was never my knight in shining armor, rescuing me from an ivory tower. Vittorio was the corrupted soul who dove headfirst into the hell about to consume me and rescued me, because chaos was always his to reign. His darkness absorbed mine not so that I could shine, but so that I could become able to see again, to see even if it was just myself.

I know all this with my body, mind, and soul. What I don't know is what to do with these certainties, and recently I resumed an old and terrible habit: setting myself small and impossible stupid challenges. It's very simple, actually. All I need is a causal situation. The cause varies, but the consequence is always the same: telling Vittorio that I fell in love.

And, obviously, there are two unbreakable rules when choosing potential causes.

It needs to be either something I have complete control over, so I can prevent it from happening.

Or it needs to be something factually impossible to happen.

“If Vittorio looks at me for thirty seconds without blinking now, I’ll tell him I’m in love.”

“If I can get dressed before the clock reaches the number seven, I’ll tell Vittorio I’m in love.”

“If Vittorio doesn’t kiss my temple before he gets out of bed this morning, I’ll tell him I’m in love.”

“If lightning strikes that tree and it doesn't break, I'll tell Vittorio that I fell in love with him.”

I lower my hands from my face and look at Kira. She rubs her big head against me in a comforting gesture.

“Now you know my secret, girl. Do not tell anyone!”

***

The small, round pill in the palm of my hand is the first of the second contraceptive pack. The doctor prescribed me one without interruption and, given the upheavals that have occurred in my life, it is a miracle that I remembered to take the pills every day at the same time.

However, believing that I was paying attention to how much time was passing was certainly expecting too much of myself. It was only now, when I came across the empty card, that I realized that a whole month had passed.

---