Page 67 of Only For You

“He feels warm to the touch, but he didn’t have a fever when I took his temperature half an hour ago. Hang on. I’ll check again.”

I pressed a palm to Seb’s forehead for the hundredth time. He jerked away and kept bawling as I rushed to the kitchen to fetch the infrared thermometer. I set the hand-held machine to his temple until it beeped, only this time, the reading flashed yellow instead of green.

“Oh, fuck,” I whispered. “He’s got a low-grade fever.”

“Do you have any baby pain relief medicine in the loft?”

“Um.” I closed my eyes and tried to think before spinning around and opening every cupboard in the kitchen. Seb wailed in my ear. “I think so. I don’t know. I can’t remember.”

“All right. I want you to listen to me.”

I didn’t reply. I was too intent on locating the medicine and trying not to let Seb’s cries wind me up even tighter.

“Abigail?” Mama snapped. “Listen to me.”

“I’m listening.”

“I’m coming straight over. When I hang up the phone, I’m going to call Lori and ask her to pick up some medicine on her way to the loft. Can you manage on your own for another fifteen minutes?”

I nodded as overwhelm bubbled up from my chest and into my throat.

“Abbie? Can you manage on your own for fifteen minutes?”

“Yes,” I said with a breathless sniffle. “I think so.”

“If you need a moment to collect yourself, it’s okay to put Seb in a safe place, like his bed, and walk away for a few minutes, allright? He’ll be okay, but it’s important that you’re okay, too. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Fifteen minutes felt like fifteen years, and I couldn’t find the bloody medicine. I also couldn’t bring myself to leave Seb crying alone in his bed, so when a knock sounded on the door, I opened it with a screaming baby in my arms and salty lines of moisture tracking down my cheeks. At the sight of both Mama and Lori on the other side, the gently leaking tears morphed into deep, defeated sobs, and when Lori reached out to take Seb, I released him with relief and collapsed into my own mother’s arms.

“Oh, darling.” Mama stroked my hair and soothed me with a gentle shushing sound. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

The two women hustled me inside, and now that I wasn’t alone, the high alert I’d been in all day suddenly switched off. I’d been running on pure adrenaline for hours, and the moment it cut out, I was on the verge of collapsing. Mama kept one arm around me as she and Lori moved to the kitchen, and I forced myself to pay attention as Lori took Seb’s temperature again—the reading was still yellow—then measured out the correct dose of medicine. Once Seb had swallowed the liquid, Mama ushered me upstairs and into the ensuite bathroom. She glanced once at the pile of wet towels on the floor, then disappeared long enough to retrieve a clean, dry one from the linen cupboard.

“Wash your hair,” she ordered. “Brush your teeth. Put on some body lotion. I’ll make you something to eat, and then you’re going to bed.”

My stomach rumbled, and a hot shower sounded so good that I wanted to fall down crying, but there was a baby to look after, and Seb was my responsibility.

“I can’t,” I protested, trying to duck past her and slip through the door.

She stopped me with a hand on either shoulder. “You can and you will.”

I was too damned tired to argue when Mama spun the taps in the shower to get the hot water running. She turned to leave but paused with the door half closed.

“Nothing can prepare you for just how hard the difficult moments can be, but you and Will don’t have to do this alone. You’ve got nothing to prove to anyone, least of all to Lori or me. Let us help you.”

I nodded wearily, but I was incapable of focussing on much more than the steam billowing from the shower and the stale milk smell wafting from my dirty T-shirt. As soon as Mama closed the door, I stripped off all my clothes and stepped under the water with an indulgent moan. I did as Mama ordered, sudsing up my hair—twice—then dragging conditioner through the ends before running my razor over my legs and a loofah over my skin. By the time I’d combed out my hair, brushed my teeth, and applied body lotion, half an hour had passed, and I felt halfway to myself again.

When I stepped out of the bathroom, the only sounds in the loft were the quiet murmurings of the two women downstairs and the background noise of a children’s program playing on the television. Seb wasn’t bellowing anymore, and at first, I was too relieved to give it much thought, but as I pulled out a clean set of clothes, a heavy sense of inadequacy came over me, and I was tired all over again.

The hold I had on any sense of control slipped until I was holding on by my fingernails. Why had Seb settled for them but not for me?

I kept my eyes down and crossed my arms over my chest as I descended to the living room. The loft was unrecognisable. Seb’s toys were packed away, the dishwasher was loaded and purring, and it sounded as though the washing machine and dryer wereswitched on as well. Lori held Seb in her arms, rocking him while he slept, and both Mama and she watched me approach with sympathetic eyes. My throat tightened with gratitude.

“I’ve made you a sandwich and a cup of tea,” Mama announced as she gestured towards the dining table.

My hunger had graduated from nausea to a tolerable hollow feeling, but I sat without a word and took a bite. My gaze flickered to Lori and Seb, but I was too worn out to ask any questions yet.

Mama carried another mug of tea over to the table, then set a bottle of water down for Lori, and they both joined me. Neither one said anything, and I got the impression they were waiting for me to say something first.

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