Page 52 of The Fool

“Are you ready for this, Bea?” Sonia asks after our initial greetings, and although I would dearly like to say no and run away, I know I need to do this; to face all that I haven’t been able to over the last few weeks.

“I’m not sure I ever will be, but yes, I’m ready…sort of,” I finally reply with a nod.

“What made you go to that party, Bea?” she asks softly.

“Friday had been a bad day, a really bad day,” I admit. “Someone had graffitied all over my locker, which once upon a time would have made me roll my eyes over how unoriginal it was, but after being called a slut all day, it got to me. It made me hurt; it made me cry; it made me run. And that’s what hurt the most, the fact that they had finally broken me. I was so close to the end of school, to leaving them all behind, and just when I thought I had survived it all, they got me. I was angry, so angry.”

“Who were you most angry with do you think?” she asks at the same time as I brush away my tears.

“At first, Dean,” I admit, “I was never well-liked because I chose to stick with the boys, to not be what they wanted me to be, but I made it all the worse when I agreed to go out with him. I thought we could make it through anything…which was stupid.”

“He left you when you needed him most,” she answers for me.

“Not only that, but he made it worse; he wasn’t the person I thought he was. That person was gone…forever.”

“So, what happened when you got home, Beatrice?”

“I walked in to find them kissing on the couch, in broad daylight, as if being caught didn’t matter. My anger changed direction at that point, from then on it was all on Emma. I confronted her, ignoring the smug smile on Dean’s face, but she’d convinced herself that I had done what Dean had accused me of, that I had cheated on him with Martin.”

“You brought this on yourself, Bea!”

“Do you think she really believed him?” Sonia asks, the answer to which only makes the tears fall down my cheeks.

“No, it was just convenient for her to believe him, she knows I didn’t do anything,” I reply with a shrug, “it’s not who I am.”

“What was the thing that sent you running to that party?”

“Emma ran off crying to her room; her classic avoidance tactic and all-around sympathy winner, leaving me with Dean. At first, I said nothing, just looked at his wicked smile and wondered how on earth he had changed so drastically in the space of one day.”

“Why?”

“You started this, babe. Besides, your sister is a little more in my league and a much better fuck than you. I can get her to her knees with a click of my fingers.”

“I hate you; you could have chosen anyone else, but you chose the one person who meant the world to me. And don’t give me your bullshit about me cheating on you with Martin; I deserve to know the truth, Dean!”

“Because I knew it would sting just that little bit more, Bea. The feeling’s mutual, I hate you too!”

“It was like a bad dream, a nightmare I couldn’t wake from, so I ran. I grabbed Ben’s car keys, jumped inside, and drove to where I knew Nathaniel Carter was throwing one of his end-of-term parties. No one ever checked who went in, as long as you bought a bottle of something, you could walk straight in.”

“Where did you get the Vodka from, Beatrice?”

“Some little store on the way there, no one asked for ID, no one cared,” I laughed mirthlessly, “noone cared.”

“How much did you drink?”

“I can’t remember…a lot. I couldn’t even tell you if I recognized anyone there, all the faces were a blur. The sound of music, laughing, shouting, and chatting muffled into a percussion of ear-splitting noise.”

“Are you ok, sweetheart? Woah, baby, let me take you somewhere quiet; I’ll look after you.”

“He didn’t look after you, did he?”

“Shhh, it’s ok, you have a beautiful body…let me take care of you…”

“Mmm…No…No…Stop…”

“But you feel so good, doesn’t this feel good?”

“By the time I came too, he was zipping himself up, telling me he was married and needed to get home. I felt sick to my stomach, but I couldn’t move, I was too stunned. But then the notifications started beeping through on my phone, one after the other, over and over.”

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