Page 53 of The Fool

“Someone had been at that party from your school,” Sonia said, and I nodded.

“I ran out as fast as I could, but when I finally got inside of Ben’s car, I had no idea where to go. I couldn’t go home, so I just drove. I drove and drove until I came across the roadside motel, looking sleazy, dirty, and cheap, just like they said I was. And I did feel dirty and full of shame. My head was hurting from all the shame I felt so I grabbed a few boxes of painkillers and a credit card from Ben’s glove compartment, as well as the bottle of Vodka from earlier, and booked a room.”

“And the notifications?”

“I couldn’t not look at them, not with the persistent pinging; I had to look.”

“Did you see that slut at the Carter party?”

“What a bitch, Dean is so much better off.”

“She’s nothing but a cum bucket.”

“Hope she doesn’t reproduce – what baby would want her as a mother?”

“Skank.”

“Hoe.”

“Bitch.”

“Whore.”

“All of their words were fogging up my thoughts, just going round and round along with Dean’s smug smile, Emma kissing him, the blurry man on top of me, their judgmental faces all on me. I remember feeling dizzy from it, screaming at it to just stop.”

“When did it stop, Bea?”

“Beatrice Summers, just kill yourself!”

“It was such a simple instruction, such clarity in a storm of sadness and anger, it seemed like the most logical thing to do; a way out of it all. After all, no.One.Cared. Why should I?”

“What made you call Ben?”

“After the first packet, I began to feel good, light-headed, and ready to fall asleep. I couldn’t even hear the pinging anymore; I can even remember smiling over the relief. I took another pill, then another, and another, each one promising to make all the pain go away. But then I fell, slumped over on the bed where I could see sick coating my hair and my phone flashing up with a picture of us – him, me, and Emma. I thought I should call him, to let him know that I was going, and to wish him well and say goodbye one last time. I owed him that.”

“And then? After you had talked to him?”

“Nothing; there was nothing.”

_____

Bea

“How are you feeling, Bea?”

“Not good, but not bad either,” I admit, knowing that this is my last session with Sonia. I think she wanted more with me, but I don’t. I just want to move on, or at least try to.

“Well, seeing as this is your last session, I wanted to try something a little different. I’ve asked Ben to join us today,” she says, welcoming my brother into the room. I smile, for life would have been unbearable if it hadn’t been for his support over the last month or so. “Now, Bea, things might be a little hard to hear today, but I don’t want you to think I’m doing this to make you feel bad, or to guilt you, quite the opposite actually.”

“Ben, I need you to be honest, to let Bea know how much she means to you. This is really important; can you do that?”

He nods, then looks at me with a sad smile. I know the next half an hour or so is going to be brutal, but he deserves to have his say. I messed him up that night too.

“What do you remember from that night, Ben?”

“To be honest, I’d only just got back from a flight from Boston; I’m training to be a pilot,” he says and I beam at him with a proud smile. “I saw Bea’s name flashing up at me so answered as soon as possible; we don’t call each other too often so I knew it was important. That’s going to change from now on, I’m going to be calling her at least once a day.”

“And I will answer,” I tell him honestly.

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