Page 92 of See Me

God dammit.

My own brain is fighting me on this, and I didn’t even realize it. Benny thinks I’m no good for her. He didn’t even have to say the words for me to understand that. IknowI’m no good for her. And more importantly, she’s no good for me. Not that she isn’t good in the literal sense, just the fact that she’s fucking with my head, my life.

I told myself long ago I wouldn’t let this happen again but every time I see her, I’m near her, my resolve cracks and she creeps inside with fluffiness and light. I feel it spread its warmth in my chest and I’m powerless against it. I wake up with a hard shell each morning and by the end of the night, another piece chips away and replaced by colorful swirls painted by her fancy markers and shit. I don’t even have a defense in place anymore.

When did that happen?

I know deep down it was long before I ever touched her. Every look, every insult, every jab she threw at me, wormed its way in and spread like a wildfire, cracking me from the inside out. Which makes absolutely no sense when you think about it. Who falls for the girl constantly insulting him? She may be slowly breaking me down, unbeknownst to her, but I’m allowing it. And I find myself not wanting to put up the fight anymore.

Do I tell her? Tell her I’m not pretending anymore? That I want to protect her. And tell Enzo to fuck off? And beat his face in if he says any more shit about her? And come home and sink into her heat and get lost in the promises her eyes scream out when I bury myself in her? Even when her mouth won’t say a word?

Or do I walk away and make sure she stays whole? Do as Benny said and make sure I’m the one that hurts when this all falls apart? The part of me that’s used to running, used to keeping my distance, suddenly pushes me closer to the fire, no longer afraid of burning. And more willing than ever to set myself alight if flames are what she needs.

I’ve spent so long with darkness branding every part of me, I didn’t recognize light until I was already consumed by it. My heart does still have the courage to beat, even bruised and battered as it is. Maybe it’s not too late. If I can just reconcile in my head that not everything I touch ends up broken and tarnished. Even thinking that goes against every reality this world has ever shown me. The only thoughts I recognize are filled with rage and regret.

How can I think I could ever be anything different?

Enzo walks through the office door. “I’m not sure if you guys are into ropes and chains—”

“I told you to shut the fuck up about that shit.” I stand and round the desk.

He holds his hands up in surrender. “Easy. It was a joke. I just meant you might want to keep Ella chained up at home. There’s been another murder.”

TWENTY-SEVEN

DEPRESSO ESPRESSO

“You can let go now.”I look down waiting for Enzo to release the hold he has on my wrist, leading me through the building like a toddler. “I feel like a child on a leash.”

He turns around with a smirk. “Is that something—”

“Stop right there.” I hold a finger to his chest. “Don’t even say the words.”

He winks. “Your denial is answer enough.” He chuckles.

I roll my eyes. “You're like a dog with a bone.”

He quirks an eyebrow and his mouth starts to form the words I should’ve expected with a comment like that.

“Oh my god, stop.” I shake my head but can’t hold back my smile. “I walked right into that one.”

I push the door open and Luca jumps up from the couch.

“I told you to call me when you were heading up.” He glances down to the phone in his hand. “I would’ve come down to retrieve her.”

Enzo leads me into the room with his hand at the small of my back. “I’m perfectly capable of delivering your fiancé safe and sound.”

I toss my purse and phone on the coffee table. “Please continue to talk about me as if I’m a package. Retrieve, deliver, anyone want to sign my ass as proof of receipt?”

Enzo steps forward. “Do you have a pen?”

“Shut up, Enzo,” Luca and I say in unison.

He holds up his hands and backs toward the door. “Fine. Cool. I’ll see myself out.” He turns when he reaches the door. “I would steer clear of leashes. I don’t think she likes those.”

Luca growls and lunges for the door. Enzo lets out a chuckle and runs out the door, leaving Luca to slam it behind him.

“Fucking relentless asshole,” Luca grumbles.

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